MacGruber

Signal reestablished.

- Satellites just coming back online, General.

- Okay, people, we need answers,

and we need them yesterday.

Do we have any idea who these kidnappers are, major?

- No, sir. They scrambled our comms

before we could get a real ID.

What about a location?

- We dispatched two recon drones

to try and track them down, but nothing so far.

- So we don't know who they are,

where they are,

or what they're planning to do next?

No, sir.

Jesus.

What about MacGruber?

- I'm sorry, sir. We have to assume the worst.

Sir.

Barrett.

- Honey, now is not a good time.

- MacGruber's in trouble. I can sense it.

I--I know I can help.

- There's nothing you can do for him.

- Come on, Barrett. I-I-I know him better than anyone, please.

He was my mentor, my first husband.

- Victoria. - I know how he thinks.

I know how he moves. - Victoria.

- He took both my virginities, for God sakes.

Victoria!

He's dead.

- What? - MacGruber is dead.

I'm sorry.

- Sir. - Not now, major.

- Sir, the president is on the line.

- Victoria, I have to take this.

Please, go home. Don't worry.

Look, I'm gonna find whoever did this,

and I'm gonna make them pay. I promise.

Open.

Queeth.

Mommy!

MacGruber?

Mommy!

Hello.

Hello.

I know you're out there, Queeth.

Where are you, you sack of shit?

Well, look who's up.

Hello, MacGruber.

Have a bad dream?

- No, I had a fucking great dream.

Fucked your mom and dad unprotected,

came in both of them a bunch of times.

That sounds pretty wild.

- Oh, it was. And it was so much better

than the nightmare you're about to have.

- Tell me about it. - Oh, gladly.

It'll be a simple two-step process

in which I get loose and then do to you exactly

what I did to your folks, mephorically, of course.

'Cause I wouldn't let my dick

get within 100 calendar feet of your dirty butthole

- So we're calling that a dick now?

Oh, fuck you, Queeth.

You'll pay for what you did to my family.

- Oh, I have no idea what you're talking about.

Oh, but you do.

As soon as I get out of here,

I'm gonna skin you from stem to stern

and leave your bloody carcass to rot in the noonday sun.

And that's a promise.

- You got me quaking in my boots.

Oh, where are my manners?

You got some old friends here

who just can't wait to say hello.

Master Sergeant Lon Vincente,

killed in action May 1, 1998.

No.

- Sergeant Major Presley Dean, killed in action May 1, 1998.

- Commander Baker Jaxx, killed in action May 1, 1998.

Lieutenant Chance Tucker, killed in action May 1, 1998.

Been too long.

- Captain Bex Dawson, killed in action May 1, 1998.

I suspect you're detecting a bit of a theme here.

- Yeah, you guys are all still super ugly as shit.

- You know, it feels just like yesterday

that you left us all for dead

bleeding to death in the burning-hot savannas

of Burkina Faso.

But it wasn't yesterday, was it?

No, it was 20 years ago,

20 years of near constant torture

in a secret prison camp behind enemy lines.

- I guess that's what happens to traitors.

Traitors?

We were American soldiers

putting our asses on the line for our country.

All we wanted was our fair share.

Am I right?

Yes, sir.

- But you wouldn't let that happen.

- Oh, well, ex-squeeze me if I had a little problem with you

selling a chemical weapon to the Russian government.

- We were never going to use Brimstone, you fucking dolt.

No one was ever gonna die.

But all that time we spent rotting away in that prison,

we perfected the plan.

And now people will die.

- Looks to me like you're forgetting one teeny,

tiny, little, incredibly huge thing.

Yeah? What is that?

- There's only one person in the world

who knows where Brimstone is.

And his name rhymes with fuck you-ber.

And that man or woman--

could be a woman--

hid it in a very safe place.

So looks like you're shit out of luck, bud,

'cause you're never, ever,

ever, ever, ever gonna--

Uh, what's that?

Brimstone.

No, it can't be.

It can, and it is.

You're lying.

You're tying play me like a blank CD.

But we all know what happens to blank CDs.

They get burned.

Okay.

Well, if this isn't Brimstone,

then why am I gonna kill you right now?

You're not, right?

- Perhaps you remember your old friend, Constantine Bach.

Constantine.

No.

Hello, MacGruber.

But you're dead.

- No, he survived that explosion at Cunth's compound.

His eyes didn't, however,

which is why he requested personally

to kill you himself.

I just wish he could see what he's about to do to you.

Well, we're off to make merry.

Hey, Queeth, one more thing.

Go fuck yourself.

Another home run.

Have you been working on these?

I sure have.

And I don't accept your compliment.

Goodbye, MacGruber.

Constantine, he's all yours.

Fuck you!

You won't get away with this!

I'm gonna get outta here, and I'm gonna stop you!

Fuck you! - Ready the choppers.

- What is all this crap we're hauling anyway?

No idea.

But it's important enough for me to get an H2 clearance

and miss my daughter's birthday.

- Oh, that's too bad, man. How old is she?

She's 8 going on 18.

Aw, she's a cute kid.

Gonna need therapy, though.

Wait, why would you say...

- The partridge is in the pear tree.

Wonderful.

Tell the reindeer to turn that sled around.

Copy that.

Thanks for coming.

- Your message sounded pretty urgent.

Piper, MacGruber's dead!

Ohh, he's dead! Ah!

They asked him to do a suicide mission.

And he RSVP'd, "Yass, queen."

He didn't tell you?

I didn't let him.

Ohh.

We used to make love to this song.

Mm.

Me and MacGruber.

Yeah, I got it.

- Oh, he was such a giving partner.

He never wanted me to have to do any of the work.

Sometimes he would even tell me

to not talk so he could picture something.

Nice.

- Probably just the two of us on a hike or swimming at the Y.

We would build to this crescendo,

and he would generously finish for the both of us.

And then use the restroom.

Okay.

Be in there for a while.

Then he would come, and in his best

Jim Carry voice he would say, "Do not go in there."

- Cool. - He would shake my hand,

ask me to leave, and then hug me with one arm.

It was pure bliss.

Yeah, it sounds--yeah.

- Whoo! Come on, Piper. Let's go.