Santa Clarita Diet

Mmm.

Mmm, mmm.

Mmm!

What a beautiful day! I love walking with you guys.

Friends, fresh air, sunshine.

Look how hard you're working. Everyone's rooting for you!

- You're so happy. Why? - Why would anybody not be happy?

What if someone has a baby, and while they love him, or her,

or them, if it's twins...

- We know you mean you. - I just miss going out, having a life.

John Legend's touring, and I wanna see him four times.

- So do it. - I can't.

Every time I go out, RJ makes this face like, "Mommy, aren't I enough?"

Ugh, babies are the worst. The trick is to not say goodbye to them.

Alondra, you need to put on a crop top, go to a concert

and shake those boobs for someone who doesn't just see them as dinner.

Congratulations on your boobs, by the way. They are amazing.

When I stopped breastfeeding, mine turned into Russian nesting dolls.

This one could fit in that one.

Oh, come on, your body is ridiculous

in those tight leggings and that sweet ass.

Dan is lucky to hit that shit.

Yeah, but it's how he hits it. The man is tense.

The last time we had sex, I swear to God, he didn't blink.

I clapped right in his face, nothing. It's like fucking a British guard.

You two should be having more fun. Live your best lives.

Give it the full Oprah!

Sheila, you have really changed in the last few days.

You used to be kind of bland, no offense. And kinda uptight, no offense.

- We did stuff without you all the time. - No offense.

Hey, Eric has a science thing at school tonight. Will you come?

It'll be so much less boring than going with just Alondra.

No offense?

Of course I'll come. And I'll bring Joel and Abby.

We love Eric. I wanted to adopt Eric, but Joel said no.

Seriously, what's going on with you?

It's probably my new diet. I've been eating a lot of protein.

- Really? - How many grams?

All of them.

Come on!

May I help you?

Yes. Good morning.

I've been hired to do a documentary for the National Geographic Channel.

It's an historical look at the undead and a very legitimate project.

Eager to make it accurate, I've been visiting paranormal bookstores

looking for materials on outbreaks and possible remedies.

You'll find the zombie literature in our lifestyle section,

next to the fertility crystals.

If you hit witch balls, you've gone too far.

Isn't that always the case?

Anything you can use?

I don't think so. I'm looking for something more real, less for kids.

I do have one thing in the back, but I don't show it to a lot of people.

Yeah? What is it?

Zombie porn.

Thank you for your time.

Oh, my God.

- Hey, Rick! - Hey, Joel.

Can you pop your trunk for me?

Those are words you never wanna hear from a cop.

Come on, I want to check the cargo space.

See, I love my bike, but the only thing it holds is ass.

By the way, you gotta try that thing. Zero to 60 in one-point-fuck seconds.

Oh!

Hi, honey! Where'd you go this morning?

What's in the bag? Is it a present? Is it for me? Is it for me?

Plain white bag.

Nasty.

Hey, babe. I changed his diaper, put on his socks. Great dad alert.

Come on, you. Let's go listen to some John Legend,

take your socks off, 'cause it's 100 degrees.

I gotta get ready for work. I gotta drive out to Riverside today.

Might as well be Mars, except it's hotter, there's less air,

food's not as good, less culture, and it's further from my house. Fuck me.

So... let's take a look.

Yes. Let's.

Oh, my.

That is roomy.

Rick, look at me, look at me. Look at me.

What?

I can make my hips go side to side now.

- I could never do this before. - Why would you want to?

Because it's a turn-on, Rick.

Yeah, I see it.

So what's a car like this set you back?

It doesn't set you back, Rick, it launches you forward.

If you want one, you should get one.

Don't overthink it. Overthinking is a boner killer.

Hit the deck, we got a shooter!

What the hell, Dan?

Just testing your reflexes, Officer Puss.

Not so bueno. When Santa Monica PD hears "shooter," they think "oyster bar."

That's 'cause we can afford oysters,

since we make a shit-ton more money than a sheriff's deputy.

Boom!

Hmm? Thanks, guys.

Here, I got you ant spray.

- That's okay, I have ant spray. - You don't know what you have.

I need you to kill those little bastards

before they start making their way into my yard.

I found one in my kitchen this morning.

Now if I get an ant problem because you have an ant problem,

you and I are gonna have a problem.

- What is she doing, Joel? - I don't know, Dan.

Just spray your yard.

See? He doesn't think we killed Gary, he's just obsessed with ants.

Yeah, that's a relief, and in some ways even more troubling.

Come on, I want to show you something.

- Wow. - Mm-hmm.

He's throwing up a ball thing, like I did.

I know. I've been going to all these occult bookstores.

The woman where I found these

said they're copies of prints from 16th century Serbia.

Then we need to find somebody who speaks Serbian.

Yeah, in Santa Clarita,

which just got its first Indian restaurant.

I wonder what it says.

Jesus, I hate that ringtone.

- Clients like it. It's funny. - We disagree on that.

Uh-oh. It's Abby's school.

Your daughter walked out of class three days ago

and she hasn't been back since.

We had no idea Abby was skipping school.

She's never done it before, or at least she's never been caught.

Not a great sportswoman either. Is anything unusual happening at home?

- Um, unusual... - Unusual... Unusual...

- No. All good. - Unusual? Very usual.

The reason I'm taking this so seriously is because it's not just about Abby.

She's also having a corrupting influence on Eric Bemis.

And... Eric Bemis is a remarkable young man, so...

Are you saying that Abby Hammond isn't remarkable?

I'm sure that's not what he's saying.

It'd be great if that's not what you're saying.

Eric Bemis has a 4.5 GPA. The only Bs he ever got

are the ones he raised to study colony collapse disorder.

That's something that happens to bees.

Based on her biology grades, I guess Abby may not have known that either.

Well, now it feels like you're calling our daughter stupid. And us.

Again, I'm sure that's not what he's saying.

It'd be great if that's not what you're saying.

Yes, it would be. Let's keep this simple.

If your daughter misses school again, she's going to be suspended.

Suspended? If Abby is going through some typical teenage problem

that happens to any typical family like ours,

instead of punishing her you should show her some compassion.

And you shouldn't tell me how to do my job.

Well, maybe if you did it right,

then all the parents wouldn't talk about you

- like you are a steaming pile of... - Here's a solution.

Let's all stop talking until I can think of what to say next.

Okay, we'll speak to our daughter and make sure she never misses school again.

Good. Because if she does...

- Please don't say it. - ...miss school again...

- She won't. - ...she's going to be...

- Don't say it. - I wouldn't say it.

- ...suspended. - Okay.

- Goddamn it. - We're all on the same page.

Honey, shall we?

I have a small refrigerated space I would love to introduce you to.

I think you would look really good in it.

- What? - Tiny wine room.

We're selling a house with a tiny wine room.

Let us know if you're interested.

- Jesus Christ. - I don't care for him.

He's the principal! You can't eat the school...

How's it going? All right.

Principal.

We got lucky last night with that guy you killed in the parking lot.

But people have seen us here. We signed in.

If his next appointment walked into a bloodbath,

they might have tied it to his previous one.

Relax! I didn't eat him... yet.

No, no, no. You won't eat him, ever.

- Fine. Ever... yet. - Honey.

The more impulsive you are, the more likely we'll get caught.

And if we get caught, our lives together will be over, forever.

Do you understand?

Yes. I understand.

I can't be impulsive and kill the wrong person,

like that bastard in there who didn't have any family pictures

and probably doesn't have any friends,

but did have sneakers with reflective strips in his office,

so may run alone at night.

Thank you for hearing me.

So we just got called into the principal's office.

Why? What'd you do?

What? That was funny!

- She's a remarkable girl. - I know she's remarkable.

- So then we're done? - No.

It's because you're remarkable that we expect more of you.

It all just seems so meaningless. Seriously, trigonometry?

- What does that matter? - Trigonometry matters a lot.

There are triangles in everything.

Pizza. Triangles. Not the shape, the musical instrument.

- Honey, anything you want to add? - Sure.

If Abby doesn't want to go to school, she shouldn't go.

- What? - Wait, you're serious?

As a triangle.

She's not gonna use half the stuff they teach in there

and you never cared about trigonometry.