Girlboss

No, no, no!

No, no, in the red means there's a quarter of a tank left.

Isn't this a real shit burger?

Are you kidding? Go around!

Go around!

Idiot!

Come on!

Oh, my God. Are you seriously this stupid?

Go around me!

We cannot pass. We're on a track.

Well, then I guess you're just gonna have to stay there, then.

Do you need some assistance? You look like you need help.

Nope, I'm good.

I'm great!

I am trying to keep to a schedule.

That's rude.

Adulthood is where dreams go to die.

Grow up, get a job, become a drone. That's it.

Then it's over.

Society just wants to put everyone in a box.

Well, guess what, society. There is no box.

'Cause, I mean, if I thought the rest of my life would be spent

as a mindless cog in a machine,

I swear, I'd just get a tattoo across my face that says:

"Really, man?"

Just need to figure out a way of growing up

without becoming a boring adult.

You wanna know what I think?

Everything you're saying is stupid.

Nuh-uh. Look, conformity is prison, and the tattoo is more of a metaphor.

No, the stupid part is you whining about how awful growing up is.

I'm not whining. These are very carefully cultivated thoughts.

Ow! Oh.

You just old-school slapped me.

Your generation is so fucked up.

I get it. You just think I'm some spoiled brat who's never had it hard

'cause I didn't have to walk a mile to school.

Neither did I. I drove.

How old do you think I am?

Okay, here's the thing.

I tried college for a year. Total bust.

Everything you wanna learn, you could look up online.

I know how to open champagne with a sword.

How old are you, anyway?

Twenty-three.

Huh.

"Huh," what?

Hard to believe you're the future.

Thank God I'll be dead.

I like you, old lady.

Sophia! Get over here, you dirty slut!

Oh, you trying to reclaim that word?

No, it's just fun to shout across a room.

So, get this. Left my apartment this morning, and there was a...

- A turtle. - No.

A bleeding man.

Not a guessing game.

An eviction notice.

- Yes, stupid eviction notice. - So, this was a guessing game.

Told my landlord I'm not paying rent until they fix my plumbing,

and he's a real douche about it. What am I gonna do?

I'll tell you what I would do.

You gotta move back in with that hot dad of yours.

No. Ew.

Hey, Dax! Sophia needs a drink.

- Please. - He lets me drink for free.

- Since when? - What up, girl?

- My new lover. - Mm.

So, Sophia here needs a vodka and cranberry

to promote urinary tract health.

And I'm gonna switch from a martini to a Brandy Alexander.

- For real? - Mm-hmm.

You know I gotta get the manual for that.

- Go. - Okay.

When did that happen?

Last night. Thrice.

We were just talking about the untimely death of Peter Jennings.

So sad.

And we started boning, right here on the bar,

right where your arm is.

Annie, it says I need a nutmeg grater.

- Well, get grating. - Not gonna get a drink, am I?

No, you are, you are. Uh, I got it.

Um...

All right, your Kahlúa and Coke.

- With an olive. - Mm!

I'm telling you, it's real love this time.

With Dax the bartender?

I know! Dax, the bartender.

How was it?

How was his, uh, you know...?

Asshole?

Never mind.

'Cause his asshole was totally average.

His dick is huge.

I'm not really sure why you'd ask me about his asshole.

Who's that dude?

Oh, that's Shane, Dax's new roommate.

His dad runs a water park.

How do you know that?

'Cause that's, like, the coolest job that anybody's dad could ever have.

Hey, Dax, where's my drink?

Here, here's some bullshit.

Hey, little drummer girl!

What?

Shane.

He's building a water park in your panties.

Annie? What is wrong with you?

Well, for starters, I've been mixing alcohol all night.

- Mm-hmm. - Ooh.

Dax, too much nutmeg.

Thanks, guys!

Before we go, I just wanna remind everyone

that the basic tenets of capitalism and democracy contradict each other.

Emmalou on theremin!

I'm gonna get a drink. You want anything?

A guitar or a trombone.

A real fucking instrument.

Hey, buddy, Anchor Steam when you get a chance.

And a dark and stormy.

- Which is my new nickname for your... - Don't.

- Why? - 'Cause you're gonna start something.

- What am I gonna start? - A fire.

Oh! Where?

Hey.

Hey.

Gotta get the shoes off first. Shoes come first.

- Wanna grab that one? - Yeah.

I'll grab this one.

Okay.

Ohh.

All right, I'm good.

You are?

Yeah.

Did you...

Hmm?

Get... get there somehow?

- What? No. - Can I...

No, no. I'm just, you know...

Decided that, uh...

I'm done.

Oh, and I don't do one-night stands.

- Oh, that's a good rule. Good rule. - Yeah.

Wow. This is the most comfortable bed I've ever been in.

Is this pillow memory foam?

- Well, it's Tempur-Pedic. - Mm.

It's what I imagine sleeping in a Popeyes biscuit feels like.

Could I crash here?

You seem so nice.

There's a real...

"I'd go to Africa to dig wells" kind of vibe about you.

Hmm?

Sure.

Hmm.

Any chance you have a sound machine?

- Uh, no. - Mm.

Mm-mm.

Okay, this is gonna sound kind of crazy.

But could you just... I don't know, like...

make ocean sounds?

- Are you serious? - Yeah. It'll help me sleep.

Hmm?

Okay.

That's nice.

Back to the waves.

Good morning.

I made you breakfast.

- Eating that will make your life shorter. - It's tempting, but I have work at ten.

Ten? That's in three minutes. You're late.

Not yet. Everything before 10 is my time.

Those shoes are ridiculous.

It's either wear these or get that surgery that makes your legs longer.

You know, the one that Gwyneth Paltrow had.

Ba-dum!

Ah.

I don't know why, but I like you.

You'll figure it out.

- Just watching Xbox. - Hey.

Ah. Well, I'm gonna go make my contribution to society.

- You okay? - Totally. You?

Yeah. I'll text you later?

- Love you in case I die. - Love you in case I die.

Heh.

- Hm. - All right, well, get to it.

Hey, Carol.

Oh. Sophia, I'm so glad you're not injured or dead.

- What do you mean? - Well, you're 27 minutes late.

So, naturally, I assumed you were hit by a bus

and bleeding out onto Market Street.

Come on, Carol, I never take Market Street.

Okay. Now that you're here,

I'm going to be running inventory in the back.

So, I need you to man the fort and sell those shoes, girlfriend.

Got it.

Drab.

Why put that on a hanger?

Polka dots?

Is that jacket lying in a dog bed?

- Dad! - Hey, Sophia.