Murder in Successville

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.

Hi, I'm Jamie Laing and I'm from Made In Chelsea,

but today, I'm starring in my own cop drama.

I have to solve a murder. I don't know any of the suspects

and I don't know anything that is going to happen to me.

Wish me good luck. I'm off to Successville.

Welcome to Successville. A town full of celebrities.

Sometimes the famous faces who live here break the law.

And when they do, I'm here to take them down.

I'm DI Sleet.

The D is for Detective, not Deborah,

because there's no such thing as a Deborah Inspector.

I eat crime. I drink justice, and I shit myself.

It was Thursday.

I knew it was Thursday

because the calendar on my desk said it was Friday.

I run a day fast so I stay one step ahead of the bad guys.

Sleet? What's all this about you

filing a report about me to HR for bullying?

It's just at times you can be something of a hard-on, Chief.

Yes, but at times, Sleet, you can be a cat's dick-hole.

How dare you? How fucking dare you, after all I've done for you?

I'm gonna take this report, roll it into a sausage

and shove it up your arse!

Will you at least grease me up this time, sir?

God. I've got you a new recruit.

Young man, inside, quick as you can.

Hello. - Hello.

This is DI Sleet. He's gonna be breaking you in.

This is Jamie Laing. He hasn't got a fucking clue what's going on.

Sleet's gonna show you the ropes. Is that all right?

I'm not imposing on you too much now, am I?

That's fine, sir. - Bell-end!

Hi.

So, daddy's little princess doesn't want a pony any more.

He wants to be a real-life policeman.

Is that right? - Yeah, I do, I do. That's why I'm here.

I want to be a policeman.

You excited? - I'm very excited.

Take a seat.

You like to laugh, do you? - No. I don't like to laugh.

I mean, I laugh when I feel uncomfortable.

Do you like to party?

Um, yes.

Best party you ever went to, tell me about it.

It was a Neverland theme party but it was more like,

um, fairy tales.

Were there girls there? - There were girls there, and you had to...

Did you, as the Americans may say, "make out"?

I think I probably would've.

How did it go down?

I mean, it went down OK. I... - Show me.

Show me how you did it.

Usual police protocol.

Use this as her lips.

Like this. OK?

So you line up for the kiss.

Did you say anything before you kissed her?

No, I don't think I did. I think I just went for the kiss.

God.

This is... - How long did the kiss go on for?

Show me. Was there tongues?

There was a bit of tongue.

Then... I must see this.

OK.

So sorry to interrupt you, Sleet.

I was just wondering if you could get round

to getting your useless arse in gear and solving a murder?!

God, will they never stop killing?

Bruno Tonioli, somebody's got to him.

The restaurateur? - Yes. The restaurateur.

Quick as you can, boys. I'll be watching you.

If you screw this up, I'll knock your bollocks off. Yes? - Yes.

Good.

Chop chop.

So, kid, this is it. To your feet.

Let's go solve a crime!

We'll work on your kissing on the way.

We headed to Bruno Tonioli's restaurant. It was a big deal.

Laing was popping his cherry on his first crime scene.

Head of Ballistics, Taylor Swift, was already there.

Your first crime scene, kid.

Sleet, it's been a while.

Hi, Taylor.

Who's this guy?

This is Jamie Laing. He's a sweet, young innocent.

I'm bringing him into a whole world of hurt and pain.

You're good at that, aren't you?

Seriously, watch this guy, OK? Cos he'll lead you on, and then, pfff!

We only had two sexes.

What are you laughing at? - Nothing.

It's time we started looking at this murder scene. - Yeah.

Look. The trajectory of the blood and the brain matter suggests

that the murderer, whoever he was... - Or she.

Whoever he or she was... - Or they.

Whoever he or she or they was... - Or were. - OK.

Whoever he or she or they was or were,

was or were sitting right here.

OK, kid, it's time you got inside the mind of a murderer.

Park your caboose down there.

Try and keep your knickers on, Swift.

Now what do you see, evidence-wise?

So we have euro notes. - Euros.

Euros. Do you remember that time we went to Paris once?

He, like, took me along the Champs-Elysees.

We went for, like, a beautiful dinner,

and then he took me to the Eiffel Tower, and he bummed me.

He bummed you?

I didn't take her to Paris or the Champs-Elysees.

Don't write this down. Why would you write that down?

It's not evidence. It's not about the case.

It's just about a bit of bumming.

What else is there, kid?

We have cigarettes.

Okey dokey, we have a smoky.

We have a receipt.

What's on the receipt? Read it out. - A green salad.

Do it in an Italian accent, so we can set the mood.

A green salad...

Bruno Tonioli, a green salad,

spaghetti carbonara...

...penne al forno...

...tiramisu...

...grapple pie, a cheesecake, a glass of house-a red.

OK, kid. You now should be inside the mind of a killer.

What car do you drive? - I don't drive.

No, you're the murderer - not you.

This is in the mind of the murderer.

What car do you drive? - A Fiat.

Colour? - Red.

I mean the guy who did it.

Italian-looking.

If you ask me, this has all the markings of a gangland hit.

There are only two units that could have pulled this off

in this town, OK? And that is Harry Styles' gang,

and the Carr twins, Alan and Jimmy.

Write it down.

What about his wife?

Darcey Bussell? No.

She left him two months ago for Adrian Chiles.

She always liked a bad boy, did Darcey. OK, kid? - Yeah.

It's time to go investigate.

You ready to see the seedy,

disgusting underbelly of Successville?

See you soon, Taylor. Come on, kid.

Goodbye, sir.

'Swift had served us up a selection of suspects.'

First on the menu, the notorious Carr brothers, Jimmy and Alan.

Businessmen, wine pedlars, killers, question mark?

The Carr brothers, Jimmy and Alan.

Alan's the brains of the outfit.

Sharp as a tack.

Jimmy is loco, like a steam train.

He's bat-shit crazy, you dig?

I dig. Can they hear us?

No, this is completely soundproof. You could say anything you want.

Hey, Jimmy, you're a big, stupid wally brain.

Say something.

You got a stupid coat on! Ha-ha-ha!

That's not an insult, is it? - OK. Er...

...You, er...

Think, come on. - I mean, you...

Hey, hey, Alan, you look like a frog!

Yeah, you look like a bird! - What?!

What? You said an animal, so I copied you.

You don't copy me, kid.

What we need is a safe word, should things turn doomtastic in there.

Table.

No, not table. You can't use that, it's a bit stupid.

Sleet.

No, don't say that, you'll say my name loads in there anyway.

I've got the perfect one.

What? - Earwig.

Earwig? - Earwig.

Why earwig? - It's a good, old-fashioned word

that's close to my brain and my heart.

We're just gonna enjoy ourselves. Right, Laing, let's do this.

Thanks for popping down, boys. It's just a few questions.

I don't have to answer no questions. This is harassment.

I'm a respectable businessman.

Listen, Carr, someone had pumped Tonioli with a 42-calibre fork.

Perhaps someone left him a hail of bullets as a tip.

Or perhaps someone had a score to settle! You're quiet, Jimmy.

What you looking at?

No. Jimmy.

I hear you were Tonioli's wine supplier!

For a while.

We visited a few vineyards last weekend, and I sell a bit on.

What happened?

He got a better offer.

Really? Like what?

Well, that is a good offer. How could you compete?

So Tonioli gets a new guy,

and you're left with crate upon crate of crappy wine.

Must have made you mad, Carr.

Business is business, Sleet.

So be it.

Would you two be able to put your fingers in your ears

so I can talk to my partner in private?

OK, listen.