Bored to Death

‫All the shadows in the city ‫used to love ya', what a pity

‫I miss the question you used to ask me

‫Bored to death got mad and lonely

‫Bored to death got mad and lonely

‫Bored to death got mad and lonely

‫I never had the guts to try out for ‫The New Yorker before but... now I'm ready

‫- Is this magazine still around? ‫- Of course

‫Anyway, I think I can win this contest

‫I'm gonna turn my cases into stories

‫but I need to come up with a heroic alter ego ‫like you did with Super Ray

‫I have a new alter-alter ego, Kevin Bacon

‫- What do you mean, Kevin Bacon? ‫- He emailed me this morning

‫Somehow he saw The Birth of Super ‫Ray and he wants to meet tonight

‫Thinks he can option ‫for like ten thousand dollars

‫My God, this is huge ‫he wants to play Super Ray?

‫Yes, he thinks he can finally ‫be his big franchise character

‫Kinda like a drunken Batman with a big cock

‫- This is amazing, I love Kevin Bacon ‫- Yeah, me, too

‫Oh, it's George, I gotta grab this real quick

‫I'm gonna get some more ‫ice coffee, it's free refills

‫- Hello, George? ‫- Hey, Jonathan

‫I'm just calling to confirm ‫eight-thirty your class, right?

‫Yes, and you... you can talk ‫about whatever you want

‫- It... you know, writing-related ‫- Oh, I'm gonna give a good talk, I promise

‫I'm feeling very inspired, I just wrote ‫what might be my best column ever

‫- Well, that's wonderful ‫- Oh, hey, gotta go

‫I got another call coming in, hello?

‫- Hello? ‫- Hello? Who's this?

‫Hello, George? George?

‫Thank you

‫Oh, my God! ‫You just spilled coffee on my baby!

‫Hey, I'm so... I'm so sorry ‫it's ice coffee, it's just ice coffee

‫Oh my God, this is terrible

‫- I think you should call the police ‫- Are you crazy?

‫Look, it's just ice coffee

‫I had much worse things happen ‫to me when I was a kid

‫- He's fine ‫- Don't tell me how my child is doing!

‫- Are you okay, sweetie? ‫- Can I get another refill, please?

‫I'm sorry, ow! Fuck

‫Wow, I've never been 86'd* from a café

‫Screw those Brooklyn moms ‫I hate women

‫Really? What about ‫the new woman you're dating?

‫Ah, I gotta break up with her ‫she's paranoid, needy and jealous

‫All which make her good in bed ‫but, the rest of the time it is hell

‫Yeah, that does sound bad

‫She also hacked into my email account ‫put her picture on my phone

‫Every time I make a call ‫I have to see her face

‫Oh my God, that's Jennifer Gladwell ‫I know her

‫Brooklyn is so small

‫- Well, how do you know her? ‫- She's one of my first clients

‫She's definitely nuts ‫she hired me to tail her boyfriend

‫Well, I'm gonna break up with her later

‫I wanna feel like everything's in order ‫before my meeting with Kevin Bacon

‫So... so if he options it, what are ‫you gonna do with the money?

‫Well, probably get some health ‫insurance, go to the dentist

‫Haven't been to the dentist in fourteen years

‫There's more plaque on my teeth than teeth

‫- You had fourteen years? What else? ‫- I don't know

‫I'll get some drawing pencils ‫a new insulin pump for my mom

‫maybe cover up some of these varicose veins

‫Come, come, so, table for one, my friend? Hm?

‫- Jonathan Ames ‫- Yes

‫- He's for me, Akil ‫- Hello

‫- You must be Lakshmi Bhargava ‫- Very good

‫- I'm impressed by your pronunciation ‫- Thank you, I listen to a lot of MPR

‫Come

‫- So how can I help you, Mrs. Bhargava? ‫- Well, I'm so ashamed to say this

‫But I suspect my husband ‫of fifteen years, Vikram

‫- Mm ‫- is having a love affair

‫What makes you think so?

‫He's a limousine driver, but he's been coming ‫home for weeks only after I've gone to sleep

‫- Well, what excuse does he give? ‫- No excuse

‫He must be with a woman who ‫cooks bacon after they make love

‫I smell it on his clothes and his bald head

‫I should never have married a poet

‫But it was arranged, still ‫I... I... I've come to love him

‫He's a limo driver and a poet, that's great

‫I'm a detective and a writer

‫It's good to have more ‫than one profession, I also teach

‫I don't care, I just want you ‫to follow my husband

‫Right

‫Oh, uh, hey bud

‫Uh, why don't you go ahead ‫and pour me another one?

‫This time make it a big girl glass ‫'kay thanks

‫Jennifer, I... Jesus Christ

‫Jennifer, I hate to, um ‫spring this on you, uh, right here

‫But, uh, I think that maybe ‫we should stop seeing each other

‫J... just... just for a little while ‫you know, maybe... maybe take a break

‫What are you talking about? I don't ‫wanna take a break, I really like you

‫I just have a lotta stuff ‫going on right now...

‫Well, what's that supposed to mean?

‫Well, my big meeting ‫with Kevin Bacon tonight

‫So you can't date me 'cause ‫you're seeing Kevin Bacon?

‫I'm not seeing him, I'm meeting him

‫Well, that's what you're ‫making it sound like

‫- I'm not dating Kevin Bacon ‫- Oh, well, I don't know, are you?

‫I don't... I mean... what? No

‫I just wanna focus on my work ‫okay? It's not me, it's you

‫No, that's backwards

‫You say, it's not you it's me, to someone

‫Right, it's not you, it's me

‫All right, why don't you just ‫be honest with me Ray, okay?

‫- I can take it ‫- Okay, I will be honest

‫You drink too much, and I'm not used to it

‫I like to be the heavy ‫drinker in a relationship

‫So I'll quit drinking! ‫I've done it a million times

‫I quite three weeks ago, okay?

‫I can do it again, okay? Look, 'kay

‫And that's it, I'm done ‫sober, wait, sober

‫Jennifer, you're beautiful ‫but you're too much for me

‫I... I... someone will love ‫you one day, I promise you

‫Just like Dylan said, "It ain't me, babe"

‫- Did you just quote Bob Dylan? ‫- Yes, because you love Bob Dylan

‫Okay, this is now the most ‫disgusting breakup of my life

‫Do you have an air dryer ‫for the bathroom or paper towels?

‫Sorry to bother you

‫I... I can't get 42-down, can you help me?

‫Uh, the answer to 42-down is nincompoop

‫Nincompoop, oh man, thank you

‫Yeah, I had the poop part but not the nincom

‫Uh, nincompoop's not ‫a word one hears every day

‫but I got the answer immediately because ‫well, that's what I am, a bloody nincompoop

‫Well, I've just met you but you ‫don't seem like a nincompoop to me

‫But I am, I'm a poet who can't be published ‫and I'm a driver who doesn't drive

‫The two things I love I fail at

‫- Why don't you drive anymore? ‫- I was let go

‫For twelve years, I gave everything I had ‫to Number One Limo Company In New York

‫But, they show me no respect

‫Number one in New York, that's impressive

‫No, that was the name of the company ‫but we were number one in Queens

‫- Have you tried other companies? ‫- Yes

‫Thirty-seven applications so far but no luck

‫So, I sit here, hiding from my beautiful ‫wife, too ashamed to face her

‫I know your wife, Lakshmi Bhargava

‫Hey, your pronunciation... ‫uh, how do you know her?

‫I'm a private detective

‫She thought you were having an affair ‫so she hired me to follow you

‫What? Well how much do you cost?

‫- Uh, we can't afford you, I... I lost my job ‫- My rates are very reasonable

‫But don't you see? She loves you

‫and she'll be relieved to know ‫that this is all that's going on

‫Look, I know how to help you and your wife

‫You lost your job?!!

‫I don't believe you lied to me!

‫- We have a mortgage, get out, poet ‫- No, he couldn't help it

‫It's the economy, he filled ‫out thirty-seven applications

‫- At least he's not cheating on you, right? ‫- This is worse, this jeopardizes everything

‫You are a terrible detective ‫I'm not paying you

‫Wait a second, wait, you love him, he loves ‫you case closed! I'm a good detective!

‫Idiot

‫You've wrecked my life, and it hurts!

‫- Phew ‫- Table for one?

‫We need to... we need to defend ‫the written word, ah, that's better

‫Books are essential to our humanity

‫We need to defend the ‫written word, that is so good

‫- George ‫- Oh, hey, come on in

‫I'm just workin' on this talk I have ‫to give to this writing class tonight

‫You know, rally the youth and all that

‫Sit down, actually, let me... ‫let me do it for you, come on

‫- Well George, I... ‫- You know? I was thinking

‫Speaking to young writers is something ‫that I could do for the magazine

‫You know, I could go around the country

‫Like Mark Twain, right?

‫- You know, giving inspirational talks ‫- Mark Twain

‫I could also, you know ‫like wear one of those

‫uh, what do you call 'em, uh ‫you know, prosthetic moustaches

‫It could be very theatrical

‫Mark Twain had white hair as well ‫you know, and he loved three piece suits

‫- I'm just saying ‫- We can discuss this later, George

‫but a more pressing issue is that we ‫need to cut columns from the magazine

‫Ah, geez, again?

‫All right, uh, how about the Astrology ‫column? We can lose that, it's frivolous

‫No, it's very popular, the people love it

‫I'm sorry, George, but the Board ‫in Dallas wants to cut your column

‫My 'By George' column? ‫Oh, no, no, no, no Kathryn

‫Kathryn, I've... I've written ‫that for twenty years

‫Just this morning I... I... I wrote my ‫best piece ever about my prostate

‫No, oh, no, no, no, they can't... ‫they can't take that away from me

‫I know, George, but they are adamant

‫- There's nothing we can do ‫- No, Kathryn, I, um...

‫I... I am my column

‫I mean I'm... I'm writing it ‫in my mind all the time

‫- Well, maybe you could, um, keep a diary ‫- I'm sorry, what? A diary? Oh...

‫You know? Let me... ‫let me ask you something here

‫What... what exactly do you see ‫as my role here at the magazine?

‫- I know it's been diminished, George ‫- Diminished?

‫But you're still very good at cocktail ‫parties, our advertisers love you

‫Cocktail parties

‫Well, maybe I'll have ‫a little drink right now