Santa Clarita Diet

Hello. I'm friends with your grandson...

Principal Novak,

and I have something in Serbian I need translated.

- He said you might be able to help me. - I knows nothing about you.

But I know about you. And I brought you a reminder from home.

- Paczki. - Paczki is Polish.

It's for peasants. Leave outside for birds.

Bring the box.

I use the box.

So I have these prints.

This no good.

Put outside with Polish trash bread.

I need to know what it says. Please?

I'll bring you another empty box.

It say, "Man eat man, to live."

This is story of village of Pozica.

When I little girl, they tell this story to frighten childrens.

Whole village turn to monster. Man eat wife.

Mother eat child.

Dead eat life.

My father tell me if I bad...

he send me to Pozica and they eat my face.

So many different styles of parenting, huh?

I'll say. So, what does this one mean?

"Without cure, man will die."

Wait, there's a cure? What is it?

Who knows. Pictures come from very old book.

- Cure in book, but book very rare. - Do you have book?

Do you have Mona Lisa?

Somebody threw donuts in the yard.

What are you doing here?

I felt very bad about the tension between you and my wife the other day.

So I brought your grandmother a, uh... empty box.

I told you to stay away from me,

and now here you are in my house with my baka?

I didn't eat any of them.

- My grandmother! - Andrei, he nice boy.

I nice boy. But I leave now.

God, that rhythm really gets in your head.

And once I looked up Pozica, I found this.

It's another image from the same book our prints came from.

I think this one shows someone taking the cure.

- Do you really think there's a cure? - Mmm.

Yes. The baka said so.

- Chewbacca? - No. The baka.

Baka is "grandmother" in Serbian. I'm learning so much!

- You seem a little manic, honey. - Well, I feel really manic.

It's exciting, there could be a cure. You could be eating pizza in a week.

- Don't you want to be cured? - Of course I do.

Although, I do like the way that I feel. I have endless energy,

and I sleep two hours a night. I get so much done.

- You eat people. - I know.

It's just that I'm so much more confident now.

And our sex is incredible.

And I don't know if this has anything to do with it,

but I can parallel park in one move now.

- But you do want to be cured, right? - Totally.

Mostly.

You eat people.

- I know. - So we need to find this book.

Well, do we even know the name of it?

It's some long Serbian name, which according to a message board

roughly translates to: Pozica: Never Fucking Go There.

There's this guy who claims to have it. Name's Anton.

He's really big in the paranormal world.

This is the only picture I could find of him.

Oops!

I was looking at a new carving knife for Thanksgiving.

240 bucks. Big investment. Still thinking about it.

Here he is.

No last name, no phone number, just an expired e-mail address.

But I am gonna find you, Anton.

And then I'm gonna read your book, you blurry son of a bitch!

We have that open house today.

Maybe you should take the day off, let me cover it.

What? Huh?

Well, it's just that everything's been so intense lately

and I'm worried about you.

Maybe you should take some Joel time. I can get Abby to help me.

I guess it could give me some time to search for this Anton guy.

No. Don't do anything, okay? Just relax. I'm dead, it can wait until tomorrow.

Okay.

I don't even know if I can relax.

Hey! Oh, I finally found that blooper reel from...

- My mom's eating people. - ...Spaceballs.

Not realizing your news was that.

I went to the storage unit to look at my dad's old bike,

I found half a businessman in the freezer.

Wow. That must have been intense.

- Are you okay? - It was pretty weird.

I opened it expecting to find ice cream

and instead there was a dead guy with a look on his face like I surprised him.

I'm sorry. But your mom is undead, so that's kind of how they roll.

I know. But she told me she was only gonna be eating raw chicken and beef.

They always make this big thing about how we can be honest with each other

and now I find out they're lying to me.

Personally, I don't mind when my mom lies to me.

I just wish she did it better.

Check this out.

She claims she started a new spin class

but really, she's having an affair with a guy named Bob.

- No way. - Yeah.

She accidentally linked her cell phone to my computer

so I can see all of her texts.

Today, Bob copied and pasted all of the lyrics

to Stevie Wonder's "Part Time Lover."

- Which seems lazy and on the nose. - You should say something to her.

It would only embarrass her.

She's just trying to protect me from knowing she's in a crappy marriage.

Maybe your mom's trying to protect you

from knowing that she's a vicious killing machine.

No offense, I think it's kinda cool.

Put it away, I'm coming in!

Oh, Abby, I didn't know you were here.

- Jesus. Mom. - Oh, calm down, everybody does it.

Even your own mother. You guys want some waffles?

Yeah, Abby, my mom masturbated, then made waffles.

- Does that make you hungry? - No. I should leave.

I actually have to cover for my dad at an open house, so...

- Oh, what's wrong with Joel? - Turn it off, Dan.

- I think he's just taking the day off. - Interesting.

Really? Maybe I'm too close to it. See you, guys.

So you two were alone in your room with the door closed.

- Nothing happened. - Of course nothing happened. You're you.

Will you leave him alone, Dan? He's just waiting for his moment.

Honey, there's a casserole in the fridge. I'm going to spin class again tonight.

Good for you, Mom. You have fun on that bike.

No regrets.

I'm gonna go next door, talk to Joel about something.

- Oh, God, not the ants again. - No. Not the ants.

- Whoa. - Yeah.

No, I'm good. I'm on baby duty. But you can blow it in my face.

Fuck it, just give it to me.

So I got a cop question for you.

Can you run a search on a guy with just a first name

and an expired email address?

- This guy fucking Sheila? - What? No. Why would you say that?

Two reasons people ask a cop to find somebody:

wife-fucking, or because they found a wallet and they want to return it.

Which is usually an excuse to find a wife-fucker.

Uh, it's a work thing.

I was at Starbucks and this guy said he wanted to buy a house

with a nice yard. Has two dogs.

One's a little dog who thinks he's a big dog...

You know what? I'm too high to lie right now.

- Can you just do it? - Yeah, I don't give a shit.

Gentlemen.

Whoa, hey! What the hell? You can't just walk in my house.

I knocked, no one answered.

Probably couldn't hear me over all this weed.

Marijuana is nice, yes?

I smoky with my black lover, have a sexy time!

What reaction are you hoping for right now?

I thought toking the indo made everything funnier.

Ooh!

Baby's awake. Gotta go.

Oh, come on, man, don't leave me alone with...

- out you. - Let him go.

We don't need him to have fun.

- So, what do you want, Dan? - You know, Abby was just over.

Her and Eric have become good friends.

- Yeah. - And you and Rick are good friends.

- Yeah. - I don't have a lot of friends.

Maybe you just need to meet people with similar interests and...

I know how friends work, Joel.

Will you be my friend?

Uh...

No.

Ouch. That hurt.

I think you should reconsider.

Uh...

No.

Too bad.

Because if you're not gonna be my friend, then you're... fucked.

I killed the fly. It was a worthy adversary.

Are you baking cookies?

No, it's vanilla extract and essential oils

baked in the oven at 350.

It's an old realtor trick. Makes the house smell like home.

- Why not just bake cookies? - Because they're messy.

And I happen to believe Americans get enough sugar in their diet.

- But this is a lie. - It's not a lie, it's a trick.

What's the difference?

One is a sin and one pays for your Spotify.

- What's your problem? - I wanted an honest cookie, Mom.

And you're giving me a nose full of hypocrisy.

Wha... Like you're so perfect. Who skipped school last week?

Fuck! That's what I should've said.

Thanks for the sandwich. That was really good.

Making my balls buzz. Mmm!

I've been wracking my brain trying to figure out

how that finger got in my backyard.

My gardener got some new pruning shears...

Ah, Joel...

I know the finger belongs to Gary West. I ran the print.

I know that you and Sheila worked with Gary.

And I know that Lisa saw Gary dancing with your wife at the club,

grinding her pelvis into a fine mist.

And then Gary disappeared.

Fuck! This is such a drag.