Underbelly Files: Chopper

He's been shot, stabbed seven times,

had a claw hammer stuck in his nut,

been run over and left for dead

more times than you've all had roots.

If God loves a sinner, he really loves this bloke.

The kid from Carlton, the pride of Pentridge,

Melbourne's own 'Chopper' Read.

- (AUDIENCE CHEERS) Thank you, thank you.

No, no. Shut up. Alright, keep going. Keep going.

- (AUDIENCE CHEERS) Yeah!

Hello, ladies. Looking good tonight. Hey?

- Yeah! - Yes!

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you.

Now, many know me as a best-selling author.

You know, the most widely read in Australia at the time.

- Thank you very much. Thank you. - (AUDIENCE CHEERS)

Thank you very much.

But, you know, I mean,

good things didn't always happen to me.

I mean, the dumbest crooks in Australia once wanted me dead,

so...yeah - I mean, I should have known better

than to wander round Melbourne like a bloody square-head.

- ( WOMEN GIGGLE) - I tried to join the army.

You'd be a great soldier.

Well, yes, one would have thought,

but I failed the bloody psych test.

- (GIGGLES) - l wonder why!

Well, this quack, right,

he said I had a personality prone to violence.

- You'd think they'd want that. - You would!

I mean, this bloke, he was a mental peanut, you know?

Hey, mate. Hey, mate. How you doing?

- Yeah, good. - Are you from around here?

- Uh, we are indeed, mate. - (CHUCKLES)

Hey, I got absolutely no idea where I am.

- Oh, you're a bit lost, are ya? - l am a tad lost, yeah.

- Let me help you out, mate. - I know where I'm going. So...

I'm up here, but... I don't know where I actually...

- Oh, you're going there? - Yeah.

Well, this is where you are here, mate.

(GRUNTS) (WOMEN GASP)

You got a bit of dash about you, haven't you?

Oi, girls, piss off!

- Seen these before? - Yeah.

- Why don't you pop 'em on? - Know 'em well.

I don't usually put them on myself.

- Don't you? - (HANDCUFFS CLICK)

Got a nice little spot in the boot.

- Party for one, is it? - Yeah. Absolutely.

- (CHUCKLES) - There's plenty of space.

I hope we're going somewhere romantic.

- Oh, it's absolutely beautiful. - Is it?

Bottle of wine, you know?

- All the creature comforts. - Gentle spoon.

(‘BAD REPUTATION! BY JOAN JETT PLAYS)

Uh, did you try to hit every fucking bump?

- Out. - Just getting comfy, you know?

How about a pillow? A little blankie?

- How about a bullet in the leg? - Alright.

There's no need to get narky.

- Get out. - (CHUCKLES)

- That way. Move. - (CAR SQUEAKS)

Oh, it's pretty bloody dark down here, you know.

Go on.

I don't want to trip and smash me face.

- Just got a modelling contract. - Oh, what a tragedy.

Yeah, I'm a big deal in Paris.

(SHOVEL SCRAPES) (GRUNTS)

Do you think we could take these off, you know?

Bloody hard work like this.

You're doing alright. Just keep digging. You'll be alright.

You're not scared of little old me, are ya?

You? I'm terrified of you.

Hey, come on. Yeah.

You know, it'll take forever like this.

I mean, we'll miss Santa at this rate. (CHUCKLES)

I mean, you would have a Christmas tree full of presents.

Yeah, alright.

Throw 'em back, huh?

- You happy? - Yeah.

- Go on. - (SHOVEL SCRAPES)

You know, my mum...

..said I'd amount to nothing.

End up digging ditches.

Well, look at me now. You was right, Mum. You happy?

But I gotta tell you, you know,

for future reference,

it's, uh, bad manners

to make a bloke dig his own grave, you know?

Just because you're gonna kill me,

it's no excuse for bad manners, right?

You really are a tough bastard, aren't you?

- (SHOVEL SCRAPES) - Oh, shit.

It's, uh...rock.

Man, I'm gonna have to start over.

[...I can't finish it like this.

(GUNSHOT BLASTS) (GRUNTS)

Oh, my fucking leg!

- (SHOVEL THUDS) You know, uh...

That grave was never found.

So I started looking for the bloke

who hired that donkey to kill me, you know.

I only knew that everyone hated me.

Oh, they hated me -

the cops, the Carlton Crew, the Painters and Dockers.

You know. I was as popular as a pork chop in a synagogue.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) (CHUCKLES)

But, yeah, I did have an idea who might have set this up -

Alphonse Gangitano.

- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) - Yeah? Remember him?

"The Black Prince'? What a joke!

I mean, he was a totally spineless turd!

You know? A bloody turd. And a smelly one at that!

- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) - Hey?

Chopper! Had no idea you liked poker.

No, I thought it was a little bit too complicated for you.

Saw you more as the, uh, Go Fish type of player.

- (CHUCKLES) - He works with this numb-nut.

You know that, right? - Oh, fuck off, Chopper.

Don't swear in front of the ladies!

Didn't your mum teach you manners?

Is he still using the double-eyed blink? Is he?

That's how Alfie gets Mr Moran to raise here

when he's got a good hand.

Have you noticed? I bet you won a bit earlier, right?

- You got your hopes up, did you? - Don't listen to him.

- Now, piss off, Chopper! - Not yet, Lewis.

Uh, see, somebody tried to kill me.

And I've been racking my nut trying to work out who it was.

Who you robbed lately, hey? They'd be lining up to kill you.

- Was it you, Fruit Salad? No? - No.

See, I've got this feeling in my water, you know.

Get him the fuck out of here now. Out!

You don't like the smoke? Well, I'm sorry. Very sorry.

- Let me put it out. Hey? - (BUTT SIZZLES)

Hello, boys! Time for a bit of bashing, is it?

- Yeah! - Oh, that feels nice.

Did you send that guy to kill me?

- (LAUGHS) - No, I didn't!

Get him out of here! And stick it up his arse!

- Dickhead. - Yeah, alright, alright.

Yeah, no. Yeah. I was out of line.

Yeah, no. Oh, I do like the wall, yeah.

Leave him! Get back in here. You're not welcome here, Mark.

Do not come back. You understand?

- Yeah, I copy that, Alfie. - Dickhead.

(‘COME BACK AGAIN! BY DADDY COOL PLAYS)

What the...?! Chopper, what are ya, fucking crazy?

- (MUMBLES) Obviously! - Hey?

- Now put the money in the bag. - Hey? Hey?

What have you got that in your hand for?

If I had it in my pocket, you couldn't see it. Tick-tick-tick!

- Fuse is burning, peanut! - No, that's not real.

- You would never. No. - Never say never, Alfie.

- Money now. - Put it out! Put it out!

Alright? Please, put it out! I didn't set you up to get killed.

- Who did? Hm? - Take the money.

Take the fucking money! Go! Take it! Go! Go!

Fuck off! Take the money and fuck off!

- Hot potato! (LAUGHS) - Take it! Take it!

- (LAUGHS) - (ALL SCREAM)

Fucking maniac!

Go! Go!

That's bullshit! That never happened, Chop.

Mate, I'm trying to teach you something here, you know?

- The truth! - (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

Maybe I got too many of the goodly electric shocks

so many times as a kiddie, I don't know what the truth is!

- (AUDIENCE CHEERS) - Alright? But come on!

I don't let that get in the way of a good yarn! Hey?

- Yeah! Bang-bang! - (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, but if it's not true...

Oh, this is true - you're a dickhead!

- (AUDIENCE ROARS AND LAUGHS) - Huh? OK. OK. Alright.

Maybe blowing up the club was a bit of dramatic licence,

but I did steal a couple of thousand from Alphonse

and he was about to have little wop kittens.

(‘SNAKE CHARMER! BY THE FROWNING CLOUDS PLAYS)

Put it out! I know who set you up. I'll tell you.

Oh, Christ. (CHUCKLES)

A bloke named Donovan. He organised the hit.

(HEAD THUDS) (GRUNTS)