Married

I see you brought your wife along for moral support.

Yeah. She's here to make sure I go through with it.

No one likes getting cut down there.

A vasectomy's a very simple procedure.

An incision is made above the testicles.

We sever the tubes, then we seal them.

That's it. No more sperm in the ejaculate.

How cool is that?

So cool.

May I ask what birth control method you're currently using?

Abstinence.

Condoms.

But mostly abstinence.

What made you decide that a vasectomy is the right procedure?

I didn't decide.

This was pretty much all her.

Really?

I just don't want him going off and starting a new family.

He can barely afford the one that he has.

Wow. You know what? While you're down there,

just take the whole thing off. I don't need it.

I'm comfortable with that.

S01E03 The Getaway

Yeah, I think Lina feels bad about the whole surgery thing,

so, she's taking me on a little romantic getaway.

It's like a...

vasectomy-moon.

- I guess. - One last trot around the

track before you're carted off to the glue factory.

- Who's watching the kids? - What? You are.

What?

- Dude, that's... - Since when?

We talked...

Since...

I'm messing with you.

- Looking so dumb. - So not cool.

No, I'm just excited for the hotel sex.

We haven't had real sex in our own bed since, like, the kids.

- Mm. - I feel like hotel sex

- is the only thing that's left anymore. - Yeah.

I would kill someone for hotel sex.

Shep doesn't even look at me anymore.

Jess, what do you expect? You married an old guy.

No, that's not what it is. It's that I'm, like...

I annoy him. Like, I'm annoying.

Thanks, assholes.

Do you know that I told him the other day...

I went up to him, and I was, like, "I've been sexting the neighbor,"

and it was just, like, nothing.

- Wait. What?! - You sexted the neighbor?

We were just joking around.

But his wife... she has no sense of humor.

She doesn't like you sexting her husband? She's terrible.

She doesn't want other people to be happy?

- That's messed up. - Totally.

- Right. - Yeah.

- She's really unreasonable. - You shut up.

You... what time are you dropping your kids off tomorrow?

- No idea. - Whenever, man.

- What is time? - Thanks, brah.

I wish.

- Thank you guys. - All right.

- Have fun! - Okay.

And don't worry about your children.

Hey, is it okay if we take 'em for ice cream?

Honestly, I don't care what you feed 'em.

- Feed them rocks. - Got it. Rocks.

Bye. Thanks again.

Excuse me. Do you have a second?

Look, Jess is sorry about texting your husband.

She just... she gets carried away.

But it's never gonna happen again.

- I'm sorry. - She's sorry.

Marco never came home last night.

We had a fight, and he's not picking up his phone.

- Have you guys been in contact? - No.

I swear, we have not.

Total bitch, right?

Yeah.

Are we crazy for leaving our kids with that psycho?

I don't know. Shep's sort of normal.

- He married her. - Open my wallet right now.

Look inside.

Tell me what you see.

What?!

A condom?

Right?

Not only a condom.

The last condom.

The very last condom that you and I will ever use together.

- The end of an era. - Indeed.

- Wow. - I know.

- Can we afford this? - I got a groupon.

- 'Cause you're the best. - I am.

Wow.

I feel like this place is gonna make a killer Margarita.

What's with all the khaki?

"Welcome Nordoff Worldwide."

- We're at a company retreat. - I can work at Nordoff.

You wouldn't last five minutes at Nordoff.

- I could be a businessman. - uh.

- Pork futures. - Really?

It's the future of pork.

That's not what futures is.

Hi. I'm David Nordoff. This is my wife Gail.

We're about to use our last condom, so...

- Sorry. - Do not disturb.

The guy gave it to me.

Thought I put it in the bag.

I know better than to trust you with a key.

- Are you serious? - No.

Did you lose the key in two minutes?

- No. Hey. - Hey.

No, I think I gave it to you in the lobby.

- No, you did not! - I'm pretty sure I did, though.

- No. Look. - Remember, the guy gave it to me...

And then... - then the guy took all our stuff...

No.

- Hey. - Hi.

What, uh... what happened to the thing I got you?

Um... I took it back...

and got this.

It looks good.

So... want to do it?

Sure.

- Your knee is... - What?

It's fine. I think I need you to...

I need you to warm me up or something.

My jaw's getting sore.

Shit. I fell out.

- We can get it back. - No.

- Come on. - I can't.

My God.

You like that?

- I mean... - You like that? Huh?

Yes.

Can they hear us not having sex?

Look. It's the screamers.

Man.

- Her ass is so tiny. - It is.

Does that get you hard?

It probably would.

Well, look at it.

Are you guys with Nordoff?

As a matter of fact, yeah.

Yeah, I run the, uh, green tech division.

- I replaced Peterson. His wife... - He's lying to you.

- Sorry. - He's... we're on a romantic getaway.

- Wow. - What about you guys?

I'm-I'm at Nordoff. But Tyler's my plus one.

I'm a constant plus one.

No, he's a really... actually a great chef.

Really?

Well, I mean, like, not technically yet.

- Like, I'm not a chef yet. - Well, you're going to be.

We're gonna, um, open a restaurant so I can quit my stupid job.

And call it TK's.

We used to have a TK's.

- Our own little TK's. - Yeah.

- Little surf shop in Venice. - Cool.

- Wow. - It was a really bad investment,

- but it was super cute. - We did all right for a little while.

No, we didn't, actually, but it was fun.

- You know, while you're young. - Yeah.

I need to talk to your wife.

He's ignoring all my calls and texts.

I'm so sorry. I don't really understand how I could help here.

I thought that maybe, you know, he'd respond to you.

I think probably that should just end, don't you?

No. No, you know, just...

just can you communicate with him?

Like, the way that you

communicate with him?

I believe she's asking you to sext her husband.

All right, I don't think that that's a very good idea.

She would love to help you.

So apparently they just make a small incision just right

above the testicle and then they go in with two metal pliers,

basically, and stretch the incision out a little bit,

pull the two tubes out...

That sounds awful, man. It sounds bad.

You feel a pinch.

Remember when we, uh... when we fixed Brutus?

God. God, that was really sad.

- I'm sure it wasn't that bad. - What happened?

I mean, at first, nothing.

He just walked around the apartment humping everything

- like normal and then... - He humped a lot.

One day the humping just stopped.

I mean, it's like he... he realized that there was no point anymore.

So now he just sleeps all day on the couch.

- It's a bummer. - Aw, he's a good dog.

He is.

Well, I'm pruning up. We should get back to the room.

- Yeah. - Good luck with chef school.

Do you want to try again, honey?

No.

Come on. You want to?

I need to take a walk.

Okay, baby. I'm going to wait here.