Picnic on the Grass (Le Déjeuner sur l'herbe)

Following this television news broadcast,

we would like to present, as we had announced earlier on,

today's special edition, which will be dedicated to

the great biologist, Étienne Alexis.

Michel Péricard and Claude-Henri Salerne will provide the coverage,

which will be presented by Claude Joubert.

So, before heading over to Professor Alexis's home,

we would like you to be the first to benefit from

a very important news item that could even be deemed a scoop.

But I won't announce this news. I will leave this task

up to Michel Péricard, who is currently in Provence where, as you may know,

a girls' jamboree is being held, and to whom I surrender the microphone.

You're on the air, girls' jamboree.

Michel Péricard, reporting from the girls' jamboree.

These young warriors are not capturing an enemy fortress,

but are simply participating in a grand scout game.

But they're taking us to the subject of that scoop we mentioned to you earlier.

Indeed, they're taking us to Countess Marie-Charlotte von Werner, scout leader

with the Inter-European Girl Scout Movement.

Madam, could you please confirm the news item

concerning your upcoming marriage to Professor Étienne Alexis?

Correct.

How long have you known the professor?

Forever. Étienne Alexis is my cousin.

Thank you, Michel Péricard. Thank you, madam.

Your answers were surely of great interest to our audience members.

And now, we are going to offer you a chance to witness a reunion in space.

Claude-Henri Salerne is at the Rouray manor,

which is Professor Alexis' summer home.

We will now join them both. To you, Claude-Henri Salerne.

Before we begin our interview, French television has entrusted me with a mission.

And I must say it is a very enjoyable one.

If you could please look at this screen.

My dear Étienne, I'm so pleased about this encounter.

- How are your guinea pigs? - Great. Salomé's pregnancy is faring well.

Brilliant. You are relaying via Paris.

I will take advantage of the facilities provided to us by television to accept

your invitation to the picnic on the grass.

Other good news, our cousins from Munich and also those from Lyon will be joining us.

See you soon.

I am looking forward to it.

I'm truly sorry to interrupt this conversation,

- but we must return to serious matters. - Please do.

Professor, people are saying that you are the next president of Europe.

- This is not the case yet. - No, but there is a strong rumour.

As president, will you impose artificial insemination?

I am personally opposed to all coercion.

For the uninitiated, this refers to a method employed in the area of animal husbandry.

And which produced magnificent results.

On farms where these methods are used, the female is not fertilised by the male,

but rather by selected semen contained in a test-tube.

Allow me to ask you this question.

Do you think it is possible to impose this method on humans?

Let us not deceive ourselves.

The brain of our contemporary man is exactly the same

as that of a man from the prehistoric age.

And yet we are asking him to operate interplanetary spacecrafts.

Biology teaches us that,

to improve the race, we can only count on heredity control.

Biology allows us to do this.

We would be straying if we did not use

these findings to render man won'thy of this science,

which remains a privilege reserved to an elite.

Yes, I have to admit you've almost convinced me.

But now I must turn the programme over to Claude Joubert.

I am sorry, but we must now interrupt this fascinating programme.

Our colleagues from sports news

are clamouring for air time to broadcast sports images, of course.

To be perfectly honest, they're wrestling images.

We are now watching a fight between Ben Meyer, the European champion,

and Teddy, the Canadian bear.

A two-round fight and a tie-breaker, if necessary.

Yeah, well I disapprove.

- Of wrestling? - " Of wrestling! " Of Étienne Alexis.

He may be a great man, but I think he's exaggerating.

I'm not married. Thank goodness.

But if I were, I would certainly hate it if my wife were unfaithful.

- Even with a test-tube. - I agree with Bailly.

Love still exists, despite what biologists believe.

- What do you know about it? - It's none of your business!

- I could give you a lesson or two. - Quit horsing around!

Oh, there goes Forestier! Don't get angry! We won't harm your Étienne Alexis!

I want to have a child with a real man! I am for nature.

I think anything's better than having morons dropping atomic bombs on our heads!

Let's get rid of atomic bombs, then!

All of you really tear me up! War isn't the only threat!

A gas leakage in a truck sparks a fire, and that's it.

But with a radiation leakage,

an entire neighbourhood will get cancer! Maybe even an entire city!

- So we should give up progress? - And why not?

How I long for the days when stagecoaches were still around!

The good old days!

The bucket of water we'd fetch at the well, candlelight,

operations without anaesthesia, filth, ignorance.

Slavery! Pardon me, but I prefer my scooter,

my electric range, my record player and some good records!

Yes, but what about cancer!

Why don't you trust scientists? They'll find a cure for cancer!

So, you prefer having children with test-tubes?

Well, a new world requires a new humanity.

Besides, it's simple, I'm for scientific dictatorship.

They're the only ones who understand anything.

Yeah, well, you talk too much. No wonder you're an old maid.

- I was married, now I'm divorced! - Why?

Why? Because of nudism.

I like to practise nudism, but my husband feared the rumours.

Did you see the programme on Étienne Alexis?

- Oh, wonderful! - He's always wonderful.

I've read all his books.

By the way, I called management.

They want us to take our vacation at an earlier date.

Oh, good, it's an even better time for a southern trip.

That's for sure!

PICNIC ON THE GRASS

Leave my kids alone!

- Why? - You're teaching them bad habits.

Laurent, your thumb! Alice, blow your nose!

Luc, don't scratch yourself!

Philippe, stop biting your nails!

Alice is old enough to blow her own nose!

Go on, blow!

Say, are those your kids or mine?

- They're yours. - Come on!

Help me hang these sheets!

And you go on and play!

And leave Nénette alone, or else I'll get angry!

Listen to your mother. After, if you're nice and clean, we'll play cops-and-robbers.

Hi, Titine! Hi, Nénette!

- Here. - Is that all?

What were you expecting? The jackpot?

He loves to make a racket with his motorbike!

- You know what you just did? - No.

You woke me up.

Now, I have to drink to get over it.

Say, Ritou, you're smart. What's this word?

- " Profane ". - That's what I thought.

- What does it mean? - Oh, it doesn't mean anything.

- Say, do you have the key? - In Dad's pocket.

Well, this family obviously has a lot of trust in me!

I work myself half to death and in exchange I get insulted!

- In front of the kids, too! - What's the matter with you?

Such humiliation! I'll never get over it!

I'm going to wreak havoc!

I'm going to bash down this door!

Hold me back or I'll tear everything down!

- The house, the kids... - You'll hurt yourself!

The doctor told you to take it easy!

So you don't trust me! You insult me!

So you've locked the door to the cellar!

Hey! What's wrong with you?

It's just to amuse the kids.

You'll drink when you finish your work.

- What work? - The grapevine.

- I told you to sulphate the vine. - Me?

Yes, you! You lazy louse! I'm tired of feeding you and your wife and children!

- One day, I'll get rid of you! - Dad, I'll finish the laundry

- and I'll sulphate the vine. - I forbid you to do it, you hear?

Why couldn't my wife sulphate the vine?

- Because it's a man's job! - I'm for progress.

- Equality of the sexes! - Yeah.

Are you sulphating or not?

If you don't sulphate, you go!

I'll sulphate.

Come on, Titine.

Help me put on my old clothes.

You see how tame he became?

It's a great article, you should read it.

That so? All that matters in life is to know how to talk.

It's because he's a good talker that you got pulled in by that pedlar.

Laugh all you want. That tramp! That bum!

He sold me razor blades, now I've got a drawer full of them!

I guess I'll have to use them. Problem is, they don't cut a thing.

Right!

- Come, handsome! Come! - You want to play?

No, later.

- Dad? - Yeah!

I need money for the bus.

In the old soup bowl!

On the mantle!

- Why are you hollering like that? - I'm hollering because I need to holler.

Otherwise, nobody hears me.

Want to play cops-and-robbers?

- Yes, yes, yes. - Nénette, want to play cops-and-robbers?

Not now. Let me put my sneakers on.

The pedlar...

He could only talk about razor blades.

In the evening, when we were alone, he had nothing to say.

- But all of that is old news. - Old news, old news!

The day you have a baby, we won't even know where you got it!

Did you see?

France at work!

Say, why did you have me read that article?

You know, the one about the... What do you call it?

Artificial insemination.

- You're interested in that? - A lot.

Really?

Where are you going? To town?

I am going to see someone. An idea.

- I'll explain later. - Fine.

It's all right. Go on. Goodbye, love!