Stromberg - The Movie (Stromberg - Der Film)

Juan. Juan. Juan, two, three. Juan.

Yes? Everything OK? You can hear me? And the picture?

No picture? Come on, people, this is important. Don't screw this up.

Yeah, people, what can I say? Things couldn't be better.

I got sunshine coming out my ass, so to say.

Ah, Mr. Stromberg! Hello. - Hello.

Imagine you're Rembrandt, stuck in the orchestra and thinking:

"I can't play to save my life!"

And then someone says: "Why don't you try painting?"

Bang! Then it's a whole different ball game.

Yes, so this is kind of my studio.

God, if I'd known that at the time...

If, if, if. If Grandma were a bus, she'd have blown her horn.

I just didn't know any better.

3 months earlier

The politicians meet our country's aim, here we settle claims.

We love working here, and customers hold us dear.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to CAPITOL.

1, 2, 3...

The office is our temple. - It's in a word doc on the wall.

Our rubber stamps are transcendental. - They belong to CAPITOL.

We're not superman! - We're not wonderwoman!

We do our job, no fuss. - You can always count on us.

But we're more than just a cubicle.

We're always there for you.

Whether there's a snag, a hitch or glitch. - We've got the right form in a pinch.

Because we are the CAPITOL.

50 years security and coverage for all.

Coverage. - Coverage.

Because we are the CAPITOL - The CAPITOL's turning 50.

And we're throwing a huge party. Everyone's coming, from every branch.

And the board of directors.

Together, now! On the beat!

We can submit our ideas for the cholera event. No, wait.

Here it is: "your ideas for a colorful evening of entertainment".

See, like this.

I'm doing a musical number. But hush.

You can really throw yourself into it.

Come up to my office. - You go over to my office.

I said we're not getting involved in this nonsense. We're not going to the party!

OK, but I'm still going!

That's just childish. And dangerous.

If I catch fire in here, you're liable for property damage. Then you'll be sorry.

Oh, right. - Yeah, right.

What the hell's going on? - Look, the carpet's ruined, all burned!

I am the boss of this department! You're just God's spokesman on Earth.

I'm the entire shithouse here, you're just the little sign on the door!

But you can't just decide that none of us are going to the party.

Er, erm, yes I can. Er, erm, no you can't.

Yes I can. - No

Yes I can. - No

Yes I can. - For now!

Hm?

I've applied for a job at Head Office.

What's that barf?

Yeah, go on then, laugh. You'll see who has the last laugh.

Heister... Ow!

Heisterkamp. - Oh come on, you're so dense...

Yes, I called earlier. I wanted to know if you'd got my text.

The text asking if you'd got the e-mail.

I've been boning up on a lot of things careerwise. Career coaching.

You learn some great tips. Like my watch, I always have it set 20 minutes fast.

So I'm practically living in the future. I'm basically tricking my own brain.

Because it's thinking "Oh it's late, better get a move on." Me, I mean.

You know? See?

I've spent long enough being small fry.

Now it's time for slightly bigger fry, a fry that's about this big.

And I want fries with that, and no one's gonna take that from me.

Oh, I've got to go.

Actually, I don't. It's actually only half past. Right.

Got a bit more time.

So, ready and shoot.

Ah, hello. My name is Bernd Stromberg.

Here... - Good morning, Mr. Stromberg!

Good morning.

In my claims department, I make sure that...

having fun in the workplace doesn't get neglected.

The people factor has always been very important for me personally.

My aim in my department is to ensure that work and people go hand in hand with...

Hey... What did I say?

You are 'work' and he's 'people'.

But it doesn't matter. - Yes, it does!

If he's 'work', everyone'll say it's "xenophobic", blah blah...

Hey, wait... - Don't start bitching, Gandhi.

And don't half-heartedly prance through the take. Have fun.

Everyone here in the joint is having fun. I mean, that's what it's all about!

That goes for you too. - I've got confetti in my eye.

Oh God, it's worlds colliding here, isn't it. Fun and Mr. Lehnhoff.

I don't get why we're not going to the party.

Because you're as bright as a tunnel. Right, let's do this crap again.

Hey! That means you too. Or should we pay you like back in Bombay?

Right!

Company parties are like the Last Supper.

Never enough broads, crappy food, and they always end in trouble.

Yeah, ha ha. See, he's laughing.

"Colorful evening", come on, I mean!

When you've been with a firm...

Stand still over there!

...for as long as I have...

You're 'people'. This time.

...you've got more skeletons in the closet than a crematorium.

And the higher up the ladder you go,

the more bodies you've trampled on along the way.

You're having fun!

And at this kind of party, they're all there again, lined up in front of you,

all the zombies you wasted during your career.

So no, my department is sending this little film and cut music, curtain.

But why not? I just don't get it.

Don't know. It'd be great to finally get everyone together...

Wow, another chick for me. Look, it never stops.

On the Internet, I have to swat the girls away like wasps on a plum cake.

They're attacking me from all directions.

Okay, I've got to be going. - Yes, sure.

Although from all directions isn't strictly true.

Most of them are from Eastern Europe.

Here, Svetlana is her name, the little sweetheart.

Whoah, there's more.

She hasn't exactly got the waistline of a wasp.

OK, Bernd, women absolutely love you, we get the message.

Yeah, if you lost a bit of the bulk, I'd drop the old Svetlanas immediately.

Boom. Oh!

Shit. - Oh come on, it's not that bad.

That's really great.

Yes, he's still trying his darndest.

But I've had it with men for a while.

I mean, men are just kind of like Facebook, aren't they?

Everyone says you should do it, be on it, everyone's doing it.

But what do you really get out of it?

In the end, you're just sitting there alone.

His Mom breastfed him through a thick sweater.

Head Office have already asked for his file.

It doesn't look so bad for him.

That's why he wants to go to the party. He can impress the bosses in person.

What? He's going and we're not? - Nobody is going to the party!

We can discuss that one to one.

That's shit if he goes and we don't. - What did I just say?

Nobody is going to the party. - Listen, I am coming to the party!

God, that weekend my ex is getting married.

I'll dump a full load into his suitcase, I'll tell you...

Don't bother, you've got the short end of the stick with Andreas. - Who? What?

Hm? - Hm?

Oh sorry, I was just thinking about myself for a minute.

I'm going to go on a binge that weekend. - Oh yeah, good idea!

I'd like to do that again.

Yeah, fun's over when you're a Dad, right? - No, it's just a different kind of fun.

Ditch the kids and get as much X-rated action as possible.

Aren't you a bit too old to be going through puberty?

Better than acting like 50 in your mid 30s.

Yeah, but having a kid is a lot of fun, you know, more than I thought it would be.

When they're playing pirates...

We've had Marvin for four months now. - Aww, how sweet.

Officially it's only a trial period to see if it works out.

But it does work out in most cases, and we're practically a real family now.

We may still have to hand him back though.

Here. Marvin is a really special child.

He comes from, you know, a socially disadvantaged family.

Losers.

Hello! The father's in jail. - Pending trial.

For being just 10, Marvin's been through a lot of crap,

and as foster parents all we can do is try and show him...

that there are some nice things in life as well.

Yeah, although it isn't really working because Marvin is, well, a bit strange.

Mom? What's up?

Yeah, when we were playing pirates, he sliced my face with his plastic sword.

Marvin, he's a real...

Yeah, but she didn't want to wait a single second more to get a child,

so now she's got a little Marvin.

Listen, erm...

Compared to this dump the Acropolis is a new building.

Why don't you just completely remodel it?

It's not worth it. - Why not?

It's going to be made into a 'launch'. - A what?

A 'launch'. - Okay.

So what's that supposed to be, a 'launch'? - Like it is now, but with sofas.

Oh, you mean a lounge. - Yeah, a launch.

But why do we need a 'launch' here?

It's for the new tenant.

Wait, that's just gobbledy Greek to me. A new tenant?

The one that's moving in here. - Moving in? And what about CAPITOL?

Closing down. - OK, you're full of it.

I'm not. - You are.

I'm not. - You are.

I'd know about that if it were true.

Hm? Oh?

Lounge for the first of next month. Premises to be cleared by the 31st.

Yadda, yadda!

See ya.

Yeah, so CAPITOL is closing down. And you find out from the facility manager.

But that's how it is. A company is like your wife.

She fucks you right when you least expect it.

Although, who really knows if he's right, the facilty manager.

Maybe he doesn't really know. No?

Hey, Mr. Pötsch. - Morning, Mr. Stromberg.

I'm running a bit late. - Yes. Not been home, huh?

You old leg spreader.

Yeah, yeah, well...

I say, have you heard anything lately? - Heard something?

Yes, on the grapevine.

You, know she's banging so-and-so, Hofmann's ill,

they're closing us down, stuff like that?