The Royal Treatment

- Oh, yeah. - You want one?

Morning. Have a good day.

Oh, hey.

Izzy!

Okay, kids. We're open. Come on. Let's go.

Thank you, Izzy.

Slow, slow, slow!

- You don't have to feed 'em all the time. - Sure I do. I'm Italian.

Donut?

- Bye, Nate. - Bye.

- Mrs. Johnson. - Izzy!

Two donuts for one paper, please?

Why do you read this trash?

The headlines are the best.

"Hot Prince Visit Makes Temperatures Rise in the City."

Seriously though, what's with his hair?

Where on Earth is Lavania?

- It's east of Aldovia. -

- - Izzy! The salon!

- Destiny, grab your bag!

- Where's the fire? - It's the microwave.

Live from Bellissime. - Okay!

- And there's a massive fire. I got it.

- -

Hey, everybody. Here's a tip.

Next time there's a fire, leave the building.

What about our stuff?

- Isabella, you saved us. - Okay, okay.

Does somebody wanna tell me what happened?

- We were just tryna have breakfast-- - And plug in the hair curlers.

And the dryers, like you said. - Really? I said that.

- Yeah... - Yeah-huh.

"Never use microwave while hair curlers and hair dryers are plugged in."

- Is that new? -

- Nonna! Oh, no, the smoke! - Mama!

What? I was sleeping.

Mama. We almost died.

Maybe we are dead, but we just don't know it yet.

No. Angelo would be here.

We aren't dead.

But maybe it'd be better if we were, because this is gonna cost us a fortune.

Well, well, well. Izzy.

Doug, don't slow clap at me if you wanna keep all your fingers.

Isabella, the mouth.

You know this isn't my fault.

The wiring in this place needs to be replaced.

The owner thinks otherwise.

If you let me talk to him, I could explain--

He hires me so he doesn't have to deal with people like you.

Look at this!

Hair dryers, curlin' irons, microwave...

You overload the outlets.

If it wasn't for me smoothin' things over,

the owner woulda thrown you out a long time ago.

How much this time?

$2,000.

- Oh, that's extortion, Doug. - Oh, my God!

Let's break his knees.

Have you no heart?

Look, if you don't got the money,

the owner can easily rent this space to someone who does.

But you'll never find a property with this cheap a rent.

I have it.

- Izzy, not your travel savings, girl. - No, baby, no!

It's okay. It's okay.

- Let us chip in. It's okay.

Thank you. This is my responsibility.

If there's any extra, use it to buy yourself a soul.

- -

- - Hmm.

You know what I love about this neighborhood?

Suckers! - What?

Baby, what are we gonna do?

It's okay. It's okay.

We'll manage. We always do.

It's okay. It's okay.

You have lunch with your parents at Tavern on the Green at 1:00,

a meeting with the mayor after that, then a visit to a school for the arts,

followed at 8:00 sharp at the Guggenheim for your engagement party.

Walter, what do you think of this shirt?

Excellent.

It's excellent? What's excellent about it?

You're in it.

The queen insisted you wear something from a top American designer.

But it's hideous. Am I right?

Pardon me?

What do you think of this shirt?

You're lovelier than these roses, Your Royal Highness.

Can somebody just tell me the truth? That's all I'm asking.

- The truth? - Yes.

The truth is, you look excellent.

I don't think I've ever had a real conversation with anyone, ever.

Would you like me to bring someone for that?

Oh, I need a haircut.

I'll put that on the to-do list for tomorrow.

No, no, no. I look like I'm wearing a wig.

- I need a haircut today. - Ah, but there's no time.

Walter, could we just pretend for a moment

that I have the tiniest bit of control over my own life?

I'd really like a haircut today.

- Absolutely, Your Highness. - Thank you.

Call Belle. It is the best hair salon in New York.

- All of the biggest names go there. - Mmm.

Dial Belle, best hair salon in New York.

Yeah?

Good day. I'm wanting to speak to the owner of your establishment.

You got her. What do you want?

Ah, y-yes. Well, I'm calling on behalf of my employer, Prince Thomas of Lavania.

- I'm his personal valet. - Yeah, and I'm the Queen of Genovia.

- I'm sorry? - Who is this?

Carlos, your fake accent is terrible.

I'm wanting a stylist to cut the prince's hair as soon as possible.

Your salon comes highly recommended.

Hang on a sec.

Hey, D. What's the country dialing code for Lavania?

Plus eight-five. Why?

Everybody, shut up.

Is it the IRS?

So how much exactly would I get paid for this haircut?

My time is very valuable, you understand.

That's below my usual fee, but I suppose it's for a good cause.

Okay. Uh, twelve o'clock.

I'll be there.

Uh, who was that?

I just got a call to give a haircut to that prince...

Prince Thomas.

...for $500.

Oh, my...

Are you sure?

It sounded legit. Oh, my God. What am I gonna wear?

Wanna borrow my gold spandex jumpsuit?

- Yes. - No, it's gotta be tasteful.

Yeah, that's why she said the gold one.

Guys, this could be our big break. I have to look sophisticated.

Who's that? It's nobody.

Rude!

Excuse me.

Our bathrooms are not for the public.

I'm not lookin' for a bathroom. I'm lookin' for a guy named Walter.

Good day.

My name is Walter.

Hey, I'm Izzy, the owner of the salon.

You called me.

Wow, you are, like, exactly how I pictured you.

The suit and the little pocket square,

all proper.

Right. This way.

Holy freakin' moly.

This is so similar to all the other hotel suites I've seen in my life.

So similar.

May I introduce Prince Thomas of Lavania.

- Hello. Ah.

Um, I'm Izzy of 183rd Street.

Oh, please. You don't have to curtsy.

I know. I only have to curtsy to you if I'm a citizen of your country.

I'm just doing it for extra credit.

You know a lot about greeting a royal.

Just what I looked up on the subway over here.

It said, "The curtsy should be a discrete movement with a slow rise,

maintaining eye contact."

Uh, shall we get started?

Oh.

- Something wrong? - I'm not supposed to touch you first.

"Never initiate contact with a royal. Wait until the royal initiates contact."

Ah, yes. Yes.

That is one of the rules we vigorously reinforce.

You know, a man once patted me on the back during a parade.

Well, what happened?

I never saw the man again.

He was taken care of.

What?

Don't do that. I'm nervous enough as it is.

There. I touched you first.

Thank you.

Seriously, don't do that.

Okay. So what do you wanna do here?

You tell me.

Your Highness. Your tea?

I didn't order tea. Thank you.

- But I was told that-- - I ordered the tea for you.

- You don't want it? No.

You heard him. Go!

Y-Yes, of course. Sorry.