A Series of Unfortunate Events

If you are interested in stories with happy endings,

then you would be better off somewhere else.

In this story, not only is there no happy ending,

there is no happy beginning, and very few happy things in the middle.

My name is Lemony Snicket.

It is my solemn duty to bring to light the sorry history

of the Baudelaire children as it happened so many years ago.

But you in the audience have no such obligation,

and I would advise all our viewers to turn away immediately

and watch something more pleasant instead.

This story will be dreadful, melancholy and calamitous,

a word which here means "dreadful and melancholy."

That is because not very many happy things happened

in the lives of the Baudelaires.

Violet, Klaus and Sunny were intelligent children.

Charming and resourceful, they had pleasant facial features,

but they were extremely unlucky.

Most everything that happened to them was rife

with misfortune, misery and despair.

- I'm sorry to tell you this... - (SIREN WAILING)

but that's how the story goes.

Briny Beach, please.

The Baudelaire family lived in an enormous mansion

at the heart of a dirty and busy city,

and one day the parents rather unexpectedly asked their children

to take a rickety trolley alone to the seashore.

I wonder why Mother and Father didn't want to come with us.

Maybe they don't like this rickety trolley.

"Rickety" is a word here which means

"unsteady" or "likely to collapse at any moment."

Hey, kids! Aren't you going to the Festive Fun Fair,

with all the jolly rides and games and snacks?

"Festive" means "fun."

We know what "festive" means.

Thank you, but it's a perfect morning to go to the beach.

- It's gray and cloudy. - That's what makes it perfect.

Suit yourself.

- (CHUCKLES) - (BELL DINGS)

When Briny Beach was hot and sunny, the seashore was crowded with tourists

and it was impossible to find a good place to lay one's blanket.

On gray and cloudy days, the Baudelaires had the beach more or less to themselves,

so they could work together on their projects and experiments.

- Are you ready? - Let's get to work.

Do you think this will be as good as the mailbox?

I think this will be even better than the mailbox.

Violet Baudelaire was the eldest Baudelaire child.

She was 14 years old, right-handed,

had a real knack for inventing and building unusual devices.

I'm having a problem with the grandfather clock.

Can you show me what the specific issues are?

See? It toasts the bread,

but the minute hand falls behind five minutes.

It could be a problem with the gears.

That'd be disappointing. I made them myself.

When Violet Baudelaire tied her hair up like that,

it was a sure sign that the pulleys, levers and gears of her inventing mind

were working at top speed.

Klaus, at what angle are the prevailing currents?

The angle of the prevailing currents...

Klaus Baudelaire was the middle child and only boy.

He was a little older than 12 and wore glasses,

which made him look intelligent.

Of course, we still need the right projectile.

He was intelligent.

Violet, I'm not sure I understand this passage of Proust.

Could you read it to me?

"Happiness is beneficial for the body,

but it is grief that develops the powers of the mind."

It could be the translation.

Maybe it makes more sense in the original French.

Sunny, do we have the right projectile?

- (BABBLES) Sunny Baudelaire was an infant,

a word which here means "a person of the age

at which one mostly speaks in a series of unintelligible shrieks,"

so most people had trouble understanding what she was saying.

What Sunny lacked in communication skills, however,

she made up for with the size and sharpness of her four teeth.

That's perfect, Sunny. Thank you.

Excuse me, Violet, but why are you using your left hand?

I'm curious to see if I can skip the rock

as far with my left as I can with my right.

I don't mean to criticize,

but standard scientific method calls for stable systematics.

You should use your standard right-handedness.

That does seem reasonable.

Klaus, what's that thing Einstein said?

"The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious.

It is the source of all true art and science."

And what's that thing James Brown said?

"I got something that makes me want to shout."

"I've got something that tells me what it's all about."

"I'm super bad!"

It worked.

- I never expected otherwise. - (CHUCKLES)

Yes, the invention worked.

This would be a perfect time to leave

and pretend the rest of the story was just as happy and successful.

I just wish Mother and Father had seen it.

It's not like them to send us off on our own so unexpectedly.

Certainly, I wish I could go back

and change the history of the Baudelaires at this very moment

rather than the descent into misery, tribulation and...

dire inconvenience which will occur shortly.

It only seems scary because of all the mist.

It's Mr. Poe.

From the bank? What's he doing here?

- How do you do? - How do you do?

Fine, thank you.

It's a nice day.

It is a nice day.

I have some very bad news for you children.

Your parents have perished in a terrible fire.

They perished in a fire that destroyed your entire home.

I'm very, very sorry to have to tell you this...

my dears.

"Perished" means "killed."

We know what "perished" means.

Hey.

I have spent months of research and years crying myself to sleep,

trying to discover the precise cause of the Baudelaire fire.

But... all my associates and I have managed to learn

is that neither the official fire department

nor the volunteer fire department arrived in time to stop the blaze.

And within moments, the entire Baudelaire mansion

was engulfed in flames.

It is useless for me to describe to you how terrible Violet, Klaus and Sunny felt

in the time that followed.

If you have ever lost somebody very important to you,

then you already know how it feels.

And if you haven't... you cannot possibly imagine it.

I've never been through anything like this myself,

but I can imagine just how you feel.

I did think you'd want to see what remains of your home,

- even though it is... - (SIGHS) more or less, um...

It's all gone.

I just want to assure you Baudelaires that you have absolutely nothing...

We have absolutely nothing.

...to worry about.

I am the executor of your parents' estate,

which means I'll be handling all matters concerning everything they left behind.

What did they leave behind?

Financial security.

Your parents left behind an enormous fortune,

which will be yours when Violet comes of age.

Until then, you will be placed with the proper guardian, or guardians,

as decided by myself and my fellow bankers at Mulctuary Money Management.

Say goodbye, Baudelaires.

Goodbye.

Until we've identified your designated guardian,

you'll stay with my family.

That's not so bad, is it, Baudelaires?

I'm sure you'll become fast friends with Edgar and Albert.

It's a raven. It's a crow!

- It's a raven! - It's a crow!

It's chicken. Boiled chicken.

And we have boiled potatoes and blanched string beans.

What does "blanched" mean?

- It means "boiled." - Nobody asked you.

Now, now, son.

No, my darling, Albert is right. Nobody asked the Baudelaires.

But, honey, look!

Dearest, maybe not in front of the children.

But I thought it would cheer them up, the little Gloomy Guses.

I had my star reporter write an article for the front page

so that everyone will know

your home was destroyed and you're orphans now.

The front page!

Some people wait a lifetime for that.

And darling, look... you're mentioned, too!

"Generosity shown by prominent member of the banking community."