Dirty O'Neil

Most obscene body I've ever seen in my entire life.

I'd like to jump out of this car right now and bite your ass.

Halt. That's a moving violation.

Caught in the act.

Take me alive.

How should I plead?

Another day, and the morning cruise.

This is a small town. A peaceful town and I like that.

Nothin' on the radio.

I like being a cop. And having a good time.

Live and let live, that's all.

But I like the work.

I like the uniform, the car, the whole thing.

The best part about police work is that you get to meet a lot of people.

You learn a lot about human nature.

Miss, it's against the law to hitchhike inside city limits.

- Oh, really? - Sorry.

Well, that's ridiculous. This isn't a city.

I can give you a ride outside city limits, if you like, out to the highway.

Okay.

- Are you really a cop? - That's right.

Boy.

- Where you from? - L.A.

City girl.

I don't like cops.

I'm sorry.

Too jumpy and uptight, you know?

Goes with the job, I guess.

Does this work?

Calling all cars, calling all cars, 10-4, Roger, Crawford.

Please, ma'am, not good.

You really dig all that gun crap, don't you?

You know, I bet you don't even have a real pecker.

Just a .45 between your legs. No, not even a .45.

Probably, most likely, a .38 snub nose or something.

Well, let me see what you got down there, huh?

What is this, huh?

Let me see. Oh.

Oh. Oh! It's a bazooka.

- Oh, my god. - Ha-ha! Woo-hoo!

Let's get out of here.

- It's hot. - Yeah. Come on, let's go in.

Well, we got about five more minutes.

Well, we got about four minutes.

So, we got about four minutes.

Jesus Christ.

Be good.

Goodbye, judge.

Bye-bye, judge.

Judge's wife. Mrs. Crawford.

That's disgusting. Married to an old cocker like that.

Norwegian broad.

Met the judge on a cruise.

Norwegians do anything for a laugh.

A man should be able to choose the way he dies, huh?

Yeah.

That's disgusting.

Somebody got his head blown off over in Roane County.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, some service station guy. Damn shame.

- You got anything on it? - Nope. Just a burglary.

Well, I don't understand it. It's just plain crazy.

Lots of crazies running loose.

More crazies than normals, if you ask me.

Yeah, well, listen I'm going to go grab some breakfast.

All right, catch you in a minute.

O'Neil's doing all right.

Yeah, he's doing all right.

- Needs a little more experience. - He'll get it soon.

- I wish, boy, I really wish. - Wish what?

Wish those killers would come this way.

Yeah, what would you do?

I hate to think about it.

Killers. They get away with murder.

Hey, come on in.

Well, how do you like it?

- Like what? - Town.

You been here, goin' on three months.

Oh, I like it a lot.

Most cops we get around here are too old to catch a fart.

Yeah, this is a real peaceful, law-abiding town.

And you know what? I'll tell you.

We got the best iookin' women in the world, right here.

Healthy women.

- Now, take Ruby. - I'll take Ruby.

Oh, shit, shut up, shorty, you wouldn't know what to do with her if you had her.

Something happens to the women in the city.

I noticed, they seem to shrivel up from the smog or something.

Tits look like them two damn eggs over there.

- Milk, right? - Right.

I bet it's a woman.

I bet you any amount of money, it's a woman.

- It was your fault. - My fault?

Hello, ladies.

General, she just ran right into me.

Hmm. Let's take a look.

Well, everything seems to be all right.

- I was just worried about my cake. - Your cake?

Yeah, it's part of my act.

And I had it specially made for my body.

Oh, do you come out of the cake naked?

- Just about. - I'd like to see that.

Oh, you can, honey. I perform for everybody.

Weddings, bachelor parties, wakes...

Well, I'm glad your cake is okay.

You're sweet.

Excuse me.

Everything seems to be all right.

It's her fault. She backed right up into me.

Hmm, well, may I see your driver's license?

Lisa... crotch?

- Krowtch. - Well, miss krowtch, uh,

nobody's hurt and unless you want to make a formal complaint...

No, thank you. It's the principle.

Well, listen, my name's Jimmy O'Neil

and I have some food waiting in there which is getting cold,

if you'd like to come in there and have some coffee and talk about it...

No, thank you. Officer.

Have a nice day.

Well, listen now, what do you do after you come out of the cake?

Nothing illegal. You know I get out and I dance.

Then I sit in the honored party's lap...

Oh, but it takes a special talent.

You know, you have to be able to talk.

Talk to all kinds of people about all kinds of subjects.

You have to be intelligent.

- It's not just jumping out of the cake. - I'm sure.

- See you around. - Thanks.

I don't know, the girls today, they're really weird.

They walk around with no bras, no panties, no slips.

Show everything to everybody. Leave nothing for the imagination.

What people got to learn is self-discipline.

That's the main thing.

When I was playing third trumpet in the High School marching band...

- Third trumpet? - Yeah.

- You learn a lot about intricate marching. - Intricate marching?

- What's so funny about that? - Intricate marching.

Hey, look, oh, Jesus Christ, there they are at it again.

Get up!

Get up, and I'm gonna give you a good one.

All right, all right.

- Oh, officer, hold me back. - Yeah, I got you.

Come on, okay. Come on. Come on now.

Yeah, I mean, Annie, what do you call yourself?

I mean, a call girl? A prostitute? Well, honey, let me tell you, I am a whore.

And I ain't got no pimp telling me what kind of clothes to wear,

what kind of perfume to buy, no siree Bob.

And, another thing. This town ain't got enough business

to keep a whore alive, let alone a prostitute.

So that's why I got me this route. You know, like those circuit preachers?

I mean, one week this town, one week the next. You know what I mean?

How you doing, sweetness?

Fine, thank you. How are you?

All right, if I can't sell it, I just sits on it.

That's a waste.

You telling me, I just might give you a little bit, though.

You serious?

You know my room at the hotel?

You bring your little book, 'cause we going to break some little laws.

Happy birthday, Harold.

Show me your pussy.

Get up there. Get up on the table.

Come here, come here, I love you. I love you.

No, I love her.

- Do the twist! - I love her more than you'll ever.

Give me...

Just check out her boobs...

The action...

Eat that cake.

Come on, Scott. Come on.

Oh, sweetness. You're learning.

Pretty soon you're gonna be a real professional, I know.

How long you going to be gone?

- Two weeks. - Oh.

- Have a good time. - I'm going to give it all I got.

Well, don't wear yourself out.

Honey, them big trains wear out before the tracks.

- Is that true? - Oh, yeah.

See you later.

General.

They're about to tear me to pieces down there.

- You came out of the cake? - And they went crazy.

I can understand that.

I've got to get my cake back. It's specially made.

Couldn't you show them your badge or something?

- I don't have it. - Oh.

It's real close in here, isn't it?

Yeah.

What you got in your pocket? A Blackjack?

Nothing.

Oh, my word.

I stayed in that closet for two hours.

A policeman is never off duty. In uniform or out.

I said that already. Accion.

What in the hell are you doing?

Habla espanol.

What?

Learning to speak the language of the people.

In case I get a police city job, it'll help me.

- That's smart. - Si.