Better Things

Om Mani Padme Hum.

Om Mani...

Can you guys maybe turn that up?

I can still hear other things.

Sorry, Mom.

And this is my kitchen, everybody.

Oh, and this is my mom. Mom, say hi.

You're on UVU. I'm live-ing. You're live.

Frankie!

Oh, she's embarrassed because she's in a towel.

Are you serious right now?

Wow.

(episode of King of the Hill continues indistinctly)

Frankie, I'm sorry I threw your phone in the sink.

: But... I'm in the kitchen

in my towel, and all of a sudden

a bunch of strangers are looking at me?

We have to have some boundaries with the phones.

Okay?

But yes,

I'm sorry I lost control

and I threw your phone away.

That was not okay.

So tomorrow...

I'll take you, and we'll get you a brand-new phone.

Okay. Cool.

Okay.

Oh, you're good.

Heh. Oh-ho.

Remember that person that came to the house and, like...

Yeah, Mom, what was the name of that lady

who came to sage our house?

Oh, oh...

um, Pussy...

- Pussy something? - No.

- Shakuntala. - Shakuntala!

- Yeah! - Yes!

Oh, my God! Shakuntala!

You guys want smoothies? I'm making for Duke and Sorrow.

- (doorbell rings) - Oh, I'll get it.

NARRATOR (on TV): This time on Life After People...

What else do you guys want in your smoothies?

Max, will you grab the strawberries?

What do you want in your smoothies?

You could put rocks and dog shit in there, they wouldn't notice.

- I think they would notice. - Hey.

- Hey, Jeff. Sorrow, your dad. - Come on, chimp.

This is almost over. Ten more minutes.

- Ay... Okay. - Oh. Sorry.

You want a smoothie?

Sure. Would you be offended if I put a little vodka in there?

What, do you keep a flask in your sock?

No, I don't.

Hey, do you have Sorrow next weekend?

No, that's Sunny's. Why?

- (blender and TV stop) - Well, because... Oh.

- Oh... All right, everybody stay calm.

- Mom, what happened? - Mom, did you pay the power bill?

- What? Oh, my God. - Mom. We were watching.

Okay. Let me just... I'll check the breaker box.

Yeah, the power's really out.

Mom, I-is this, like, a nuclear strike or something?

- Uh, hold up. - What, are you googling

"was there just a nuclear strike"?

No. I'm...

- (phones beeping loudly) Oh, shit.

"Stand by for emergency message."

- Shit, what? - That's all it says.

I can't make a call.

Who are you calling?

- Dad? My phone doesn't work, either.

Neither does mine. Mom?

Guys... it's okay.

It's the lights. It's not in our phones.

- It's here. - Well, what if we had an emergency?

How would we tell anyone?

Okay.

And this, girls,

is why we keep a landline.

JEFF (chuckles): Yeah. That's not gonna work, either...

Those used to work in a blackout, because they had

their own dedicated copper wiring.

Landlines are bullshit now... They're...

tied into your cable. They're all digital.

Oh, shit, you're right.

: Mom?

Max... don't.

- It's okay, Max. And where are all my candles?

Will you girls stop stealing candles for crying in the tub?

You don't need candles, Sam... It's still light out.

But that is why

I need candles while it's still light out, Frankie,

before it gets dark.

- That's why I need candles now. - Face!

Uh-oh, Mom, I can't get the faucet to work.

- That's not electricity. The water pump

is electrical, too.

Gran. I got to check on Gran.

- Who wants to go with me? - Me.

What?

Hi, Phil.

Are you okay?

Of course I am.

Hi, Mrs. Geronimus.

- Hi. - Are you okay?

My cat door isn't working.

- (air siren wailing) - Oh.

Ooh. What the dirty rotten shit is that now?

That's... I don't know.

Mom! Are we gonna die?

No, not like this.

- What-what if you're wrong? - What?

What if we die after you said we wouldn't?

Oh, well, then whoops.

- (horn honking lightly) - Hi.

- What's going on with the power? - It's just a regional interruption.

- Should be back up in a minute. - Okay.

- MAN (over radio): All clear. - Oh. There it is. Good to go.

Oh. Cool.

Okay, cool.

Ah. Bye, Joyce.

NARRATOR (on TV): Will they be survived

- (blender whirring) - by other memorials to mankind?

Jesus.

- Look at our lives. - I know.

Okay, fun's over, everybody.

You know, you should get a generator.

- What for? We're fine. - Yeah, I know,

but this stuff happens, and what if next time it lasts longer?

- You should get a genny. - Well, isn't that, like, involved?

No. It's, like, 300 bucks.

Put some diesel in it, let it sit in the garage,

hook a power strip up to it, and then if it happens again,

it'll go for a couple days on one tank.

Okay, where do I get one of those?

DIY. I'm going there tomorrow for some stuff.

If you want, I can swing by first,

and I can help you get one.

Okay. That would be awesome.

What?

- Sammy. - (grunts)

Ooh.

All right. (grunts)

- Oh, God. Oh, God. - (singsongy): Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo!

Drive, drive, drive, drive.

- Hello! - What do you want me to do?

Oh, God.

- Hello! Hello! - Okay.

Hello.

- Hi, Mom. - Hi, Phyllis.

- You're Bob. - Yes. Bob.

Mom, this is Jeff.

No, it's Bob.

That's right. Sam, I'm Bob.

- Okay. Bye, Mom. - Wait, where are you going?

We're going to DIY.

Oh, DIY.

Yeah. You need something?

Well, if you see a lavender suit

- or a Merlot skirt... - What?

Oh. Where are you going?

DIY. They sell toilets

and drywall and plungers.

Well, if you see a lavender suit...

- No. - Why not?

Okay. I'll ask the guy at the paint counter

if he has a lavender woman's suit.

I don't know why you can't just say,

"Yes. I will if I see it. I love you."

You know why I can't, Phil?

You know what, I-I don't know.

I'm sorry.

- If I see one, I'll get you one. - Thank you.

And no buttons. I don't like when they have buttons.

- (sighs) - You mean on the suit or on the skirt?

The suit. I like buttons on a skirt.

- Wait, I got to write this down. - No, I've got it all up here.

- Bye, Phil. - Bye!

- Yee-hee! - Yee-haw!

But if she's his baby, why is he her old dad?

I think because it rhymes.

And also because he's shtupping his daughter.

What?