Family Guy

lt seems today that all you see

ls violence in movies and sex on TV

But where are those good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man who positively can do all the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's a family guy

That concludes our special half-hour salute to the past 1 ,000 years.

We leave you with a look back at some of those we've lost this millennium.

Kevin asked me to Quagmire's millennium party. l am so psyched.

There's nothing like someone else's party.

You never have to clean up the mess.

Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun, hey!

Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun, hey!

Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun, hey!

Well, looks like someone's going to a big party tonight.

You should pick up a chicken-strip party pack for all your friends. Here's a coupon.

Look, pal, l don't take coupons from giant chickens. Not after last time.

Oh, yeah, and that nice chicken outside gave me this coupon.

l'm sorry. This has expired.

You son of a...

- l'm gonna need these by Friday. - Will that give us enough time to... ?

Chicken... gave me a bad coupon.

- Some other time, pal. - There won't be any other time.

The world is gonna end at midnight.

- Y2K. - Are you sellin' chicken or sex jelly?

Haven't you heard? At midnight, every computer in the world is gonna fail.

Planes will fall out of the sky and all the world's nuclear weapons will explode,

- annihilating the entire planet. - No!

Silly rabbit. Trix are for kids.

Damned long ears, tryin' to take Easter away from Jesus. What were you sayin'?

Hey, Peter, in case you didn't know,

a balloon tied to a mailbox is the international symbol for ''party over here!''

Forget the party. The world's gonna end. Y2K. l heard it from a chicken-man.

Oh, Peter, you are the height of just-too-muchery.

Laugh, but when you die, you'll have to go to heaven.

And you know what? l bet you run into those two dead bailiff ladies from Night Court.

And you won't know which one is which. And it'll be really awkward. So bite me.

- Can you help me with these damned studs? - Aren't you a little overdressed?

Oh, actually, l'm just stopping off at Quagmire's.

There's a benefit gala at the Boston Pops tonight, and...

well, l'm trying to nail the flautist.

Oh, Stewie, you're adorable.

Yes, yes, l rather like the sash. But do the Huggies make my ass look big?

Peter, come on. You've had 1 ,000 years to get ready for this party.

lt always takes him so long to get dressed.

Peter, we're gonna be late for my cousin's wedding. Aren't you dressed yet?

Oh, crap. Well, one of us is gonna have to change.

Unzip me.

- Where's your father? - He's still down in the basement.

Peter, you've been down there all day. l hope they're already...

Oh, my God! The government is here. Run, ET, run!

The end of the world is comin'. Get in your radiation suits.

We are not missing a once-in-a-lifetime event because of some wacko doomsday theory.

OK, OK. You know that one Christmas present you really wanted, but didn't get?

- A phone? - A dead Lois?

Yeah, well, it's in the basement. Come on, let's go see.

What the hell...? Peter, if you wanna stay here, that's fine.

But we're goin' to the party. Kids! But we're goin' to the party. Kids!

- Honey, are you pregnant? - No.

Oh, dear me. Yes, yes, this is how l wanted to enter the new millennium.

Locked in a basement with imbeciles, dressed like a gay Neil Armstrong.

Thanks a lot. Right now l could be in Boston, pretending l give a rat's ass about Vivaldi.

- And l could be getting felt up by Kevin. - Now don't you give it all away up front.

Make him work for it. And shame on you, Peter.

Scarin' the kids with your nuclear-holocaust nonsense.

You said ''nuclear''. lt's ''nukular'', dumb idiot. The S is silent.

lt's almost midnight. lt's almost midnight.

We now go live to Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa. Tricia, what can you tell us?

Quahog's fabled alabaster clam is about to descend and usher in a new millennium.

- Ten... nine... eight... seven... - This is it.

- six... five... four... - Hold on tight.

..one... Happy New Year!

- A flautist, Peter. - Well, l hope you're happy.

Come on, kids, we can still make the party if we...

Nice work. Very festive.

Actually, each light represents a missile launching by itself.

The pattern is just a coincidence.

Now that you mention it, the Y is a bit misshapen. Still, it's pretty amazing.

What the hell. Come here, Hillary.

What'd l miss?

Holy crap! Anybody else feel that?

Good morning, family. Hey, Lois, remember when l was the third Hardy Boy?

Peter, there was no third Hardy Boy.

Oh, really? Just like there was no apocalypse?

He shoots, he scores!

OK, we were wrong about the end of the world and you were right.

- Can we please just drop it? - lt's just not fair.

l finally get a date with Kevin, and he gets vaporised.

He's just using that as an excuse.

Let's just be grateful we survived the apocalypse healthy and mutation-free.

- l said l can do it. - Hey, shut up!

- Oh, hey, Clevemire. - That's Quagland.

Quagland? Oh, you must be dreamin'.

Not about kickin' your fat ass.

Boys, please. You used to be so close.

Sorry, Lois. We're both a little crabby on account of the fact that neither one of us

has had any food since we got fused together.

Well, we just finished off what was left in the kitchen.

When l think back on all the food we've wasted in this house.

Eat, Tom Selleck. Come on. Down the hatch.

Come on. Hey, hey! None for you, Higgins.

Tryin' to steal Tom Selleck's food.

No. No. You've had yours.

Thank goodness Peter bought a huge supply of dehydrated meals before the blast.

Peter, whaddaya doin'? You just ate a year's worth of food.

What a waste of money. l'm still hungry.

Everyone leave. l have to poop.

Now!

Well, so much for finding food at the Stop 'N Shop.

lt figures. The one time l remember my value-club card.

Wait a minute, l smell barbecue.

So, whaddaya think, Diane? Can l cook or what?

Delicious, Tom. l guess we should be eating her with chopsticks.

Oh, my God. They're eating Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa.

That's crazy. They're just gonna be hungry again in an hour.

Come on, Woody. We're gonna search for food.

- Sorry, Chris, the plant can't come. - lt's his best friend.

Lois, it'll just be another mouth to feed. l'll take care of Woody, son.

- (gunshot) - What was that?

- Nothing. Let's go. - Go where?

lf there's no food in Quahog, why should there be food anywhere else?

Lois, everyone knows there are only two things that can survive a nukular holocaust:

cockroaches and Twinkees. And there's a Twinkee factory in Natick.

- Twinkees? - Yeah, l saw a story about 'em on A&E.

And now, back to A&E's biography: Twinkee the Kid.

lt was difficult for Twink to play with other children.

He was different. He was definitely... He was different. He was definitely...

He had no bones, and he couldn't really play any sports.

- That's why we got him the lasso. - Yeah.

He's spend hours in the back yard playing Wonder Woman.

- He's gonna kill me. - He loved that lasso.

He... Not as much as the baton.

But, uh... we put a stop to the baton.

He... he was different enough, you know.

We gotta get to that factory and we'll have all the food we need.

Well, goodbye sweet home. Maybe someday we'll return.

- Hey, Joe, can you keep an eye on the place? - l might as well. l'm melted to the ground.

There you go. These oughta keep the rats away.

Thanks. Stay in school.

Bring it on!

Look, Peter, people.

- Halt. - Uh-oh.

l am Jorad. l and my band of highway warriors control this territory.

- Do you have food? - No, that's why we're on the road.

Then you may not pass until you answer the following question:

Name something you'd take on a picnic.

- A blanket. - Potato salad.

- A dead Lois? - OK, we're gonna go with potato salad.

Show me potato salad.