It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

What are you doing?

I got a tickle, a really bad one.

Oh, shit, are you getting sick?

If you're getting sick, stay away from us.

N-N-N-No, I'd better not be getting sick.

I can't be getting sick.

I got to be able to talk to Groban tomorrow.

Who? Josh Groban.

Artemis and I got backstage passes to his concert in the

park tomorrow.

Charles Grodin is coming in concert and you didn't tell us?

Aw, we love Charles Grodin. That dude is hysteri... I love that guy.

He brings out the curmudgeon in me. Yeah.

No, no, different guy. Josh Groban is who I'm talking about.

Josh Groban, oh. Is he Charles Grodin's son?

He's probably funny. What do you think?

If he's related to Charles Grodin, he is. Don't worry about that.

Yeah, two totally different people.

Charles Grodin is a bitter old man with a giant head, and Josh

Groban is a beautiful singer with the voice of an angel.

Oh, he's a singer. Call Charles Grodin a bitter

old man one more time and see what happens!

Ooh, ooh, calm down.

All right, all right, sorry, all right, no big deal.

I got to go home anyway. I should rest.

Stay... come on. No, don't come near me.

Don't make me sick. All right, all right, don't touch me with that.

Don't make me sick. Get out! Hey, stop it.

Mom, Mom, calm down, calm down, listen to me.

Okay, here's what you do, okay?

You close the curtains and you mind your own business, right?

They're not terrorists! They're just Muslims.

Okay, well, I'm gonna hang up, okay? Hanging up.

Unbelievable, dude.

Ever since my Uncle Jack moved out, my mom's going crazy.

She's like, "Help me with this, help me with that, wash the

floor, wash the ceiling, clean my car, get this, fix that.

Are there spiders here? Are there spiders there?"

I'm sorry, the woman who brought you into the world and

raised you needs you and you're going to ignore her?

Dude, it's crazy shit, it's insane shit, and I can't be

constantly taking care of her. I don't blame you, man.

I'm very much looking forward to not taking care of anyone when I'm older.

Well, what, what, you're not going to take care of me when I'm old?

Hell, no, I'm not going to take care of you; you were a

terrible father to me. Oh, I'll get Deandra to take care of me.

- She'll take care of me. - Dee won't take care of you.

You just chased her out of here with a poolcue because she had a little cough.

Forget about it.

That's her. Answer the phone, Charlie.

I'm just going to let it ring 'cause it's crazy shit.

Charlie, answer the goddamn phone! Just...

It's not anything serious, Mac!

What?! Hello, what, what is it?

Yeah. Oh, well, that is a serious thing.

Okay, I'll let him know. Uh, Mac, your mom burned her house down.

Hey-o!

Good news, Dennis.

Mom's okay.

She fell asleep with a lit cigarette in her mouth and

burned the entire house down, but the good news is she's fine.

Uh, oh, great. Yeah.

Um, where is she going to be staying?

Here, of course. I'll stay in a shelter.

Hey, there's an idea... shelter. Absolutely not.

Okay, what about a nice nursing home? Nursing home?

Do you have any idea what happens in those places, dude?

Why don't I just rape her myself?

Rape her... what are you talking about? What?

Yo, got your dog.

Poppins, hey, buddy, how you doing?

Poppins.

My God, I can't believe that dog's not dead.

Didn't you get him when you were, like, ten?

Oh, yeah, this dog is indestructible, dude.

Yeah, that dog is nasty, man.

I mean, he was, like, coughing the whole way over here.

He ate a couple cigarette butts off the ground.

He's got a wheeze.

He might have emphysema, man.

Oh, that's entirely possible.

Yeah, it wouldn't slow him down, though; he's a survivor.

He would disappear for months, but he would always come home.

Yeah, it looks like his eye is falling out.

Oh, is it?

What, it just bulges?

Yeah, it bulges out a little bit there.

Yeah, what you do is you just pop it back with your knuckle.

- I'll show you how to do it. It's real easy. - I'm never gonna do that,

You're gonna touch his eye with your knuckle?

You just, you just sort of pop it back in.

Oh, hang on a second.

What, Mom, what?

I'm not going to vacuum your ceiling.

Um, 'cause I already did it, okay?!

Dude!

Plastic splinters are the same as... you won't get a splinter!

I got to go deal with this, man.

My mom wants me to... No, no, no, no, no, no,

wait, hold on a second.

It's back in, Dennis, check it out.

I don't care.

I have an idea that's going to solve all of our problems here,

I do.

Your moms are going to live together. Now hear me out.

This is going to be great.

Okay, Mac, your mom burned down her house with a cigarette,

right?

Charlie, Uncle Jack moved out of your mom's house, so she's

lonely, she's got no one to talk to.

Boom... Mrs. Mac, your mom together.

Could be the perfect situation.

Come on.

They could be like The Golden Girls.

You know, a couple of old ladies

getting together, chasing men, eating cheesecake.

That'd be cool.

Sure, whatever.

I'm loving that idea, but my

mom's going to be a tough sell, man.

Uh-huh.

I'll talk her into it.

Oh, it popped back out.

- What the hell are you doing? - What?

What the hell are you doing?

Oh, I went to the health food store.

I just grabbed a whole bunch of shit.

It's supposed to boost my immune system.

I'm not going to miss that show, Frank.

I'm a Grobanite.

Grobanites don't miss shows.

Josh Groban comes to town and we consider it a call to action.

What you're saying is very dorky.

Nevertheless, I brought you some stuff... a little bit of care package here.

Why? I wanna make you well.

Coffee, I got you some Mexican peanuts...

I got you some candy...

I got you Stud magazine.

What's your angle? What are you doing?

Deandra..

We have to take care of each other.

I'm gonna take care of you now

and when I'm old and sick,

- you have to take care of me. - What?

No, no. I'm not doing that. Absolutely not. You're on your own.

But... You ok?

Yeah? No? Sit down.

Open up. Put your head back.

Oh, God. Ugh.

Oh God.

- Oh my God. - Look, you know what? You should go relax.

You should go rest now.

Ok, look. I'm gonna do anything you need.

Anything you need, I will do it.

- Just make believe I'm your slave. - Okay.

Do my laundry.

- Done. - Alright.

- I'm gonna go rest. Don't bother me. - Alright.

No, no, no. I'm gonna be as quiet as a mouse.

You just rest, honey.

Mm-hmm.

Okay, all right.

Well, ladies, I know this is a lot to digest, and that's why

I'm here... to act as an unbiased negotiator in the process, and

to sort out any problems or concerns.

Essentially just to make sure that you're both comfortable

with this new arrangement.

I don't want to le with her.

Oh! Mom, why not?!

She smells.

I know she smells.

All right... Okay, you can't talk about my mom like that.

Okay... You don't smell, and you look beautiful, okay?

Okay, I think what Charlie's mom is trying to say is that

Mrs. Mac has a unique and earthy fragrance.

I smell like shit.

Okay, Mom, don't put yourself down, okay?

We talked about this.

You know, perhaps we could get Mrs. Mac some perfume?

Oh, that's not a bad idea.

Mrs. Mac, what do you say?

What better way to kick off this

new relationship than with a new fragrance?

Stop talking to me like I'm an asshole.

Yeah.

She can't smoke in here.

I know, Mom. Uh... Okay, okay, okay, well,

that's... Well, now, Mrs. Mac, I would never ask you to give up

tobacco, but what if you were to switch to some sort of smokeless

tobacco alternative?

Ugh!

I know that grunt.

She's open to it.

Okay, so what do we say, we

do a little bit of a trial run tonight?

Let's see what happens, and then we'll take it from there.

Okay.

- That means absolutely. - Okay.

Great, great, great.

So, last step. Dog's tied up outside. I'll grab him