Best in Show

I imagine the best place to start is at the beginning.

Meg.

Why are you here?

Beatrice has

been showing signs of depression.

She's also been very, very angry with us.

Ever since she saw us having sex.

When you were having sex, was it different or unusual in any way?

We... (SIGHS)

We got a book. Uh, Kamasutra.

I lit some candles and, uh,

played some music.

And got myself in a position that wasn't,

uh, very easy for me, emotionally.

Um, it's called the Congress of the Cow,

uh, where, uh,

the woman is bent over, her hands are on the floor,

and the man is behind.

What did she do when she saw you?

She just stood there staring at us.

She didn't say anything? -Didn't say a word.

What would you like to say to Beatrice right now?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry you had to see that.

Beatrice, can you look at us?

Come on, honey, Mommy and Daddy are over here.

Bring your champions into the ring, please.

Thank you. Right on around.

Just trot him straight away and back, please.

Well, they couldn't have ordered up a nicer day, I'll say that for them.

I woke up, I was so glad.

Okay, would everybody please fill into line here?

Leads up. Let's take them all around.

Best of Breed. Best of Winners. Best Opposite. (CHUCKLES)

-Yes! (CHUCKLES) -(CROWD CHEERING AND APPLAUDING)

Super.

I like to think that, uh, Cookie and I work as a team.

Although I do nothing.

She does... She does all the work with Winky.

Say, "Yay!"

Well, the first time we met, uh, was at this

big, uh, dance.

And, uh, I just thought she was the prettiest thing

that I'd ever seen.

And she was there with somebody else.

She was very popular back then. She had dozens of boyfriends.

Hundreds.

Hundreds?

Yeah, hundreds.

I did not know that. (CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY)

Hundreds.

Well, not that I didn't have a reputation myself.

Uh, because, you know, I was considered

you know, by "some", uh, to be quite the Casanova, myself.

Back at Ponce de Leon Junior High. But we started dancing...

He didn't want to dance! I was, like dancing by myself.

-I didn't want to dance, because... -I said, "Get up, Gerry."

I kept saying, "You know, I can't dance. I can't...

"I've got two left feet! I've got two left feet!"

I thought he was kidding.

But I wasn't.

Um, I was born,

uh, with two left feet.

And they had a nickname for me.

They used to call me Loopy,

uh, because, you know, I would walk in little loops.

Uh, I kept going in circles.

Um, and then with some therapy, I...

I learned how to walk a straight line.

-Uh... -And dance.

-And dance! -And dance. And dance.

Oh, man, you got moves better than Winky, I think.

Well...

Um, my great-grandfather, Millbank, in 1875,

began the Mayflower Kennel Club and Dog Show.

Uh, it was very small to begin with.

In fact, he operated out of this house that we're in right now.

This beautiful building, and this lovely room,

uh, which grew and grew, and of course, nobody lives here anymore.

But, it's our...

It's our place.

And then my grandfather, uh, continued the tradition.

And really, I think what we're talking about is standards, basically.

Uh, very, very specific, rigid, you could say,

but in this world, uh,

where would we be without them, I think.

And notice where we are.

Um, we've got some real standards

and in Jessica's case, we have a bite standard,

but we don't have a number of teeth standard.

But the breeds do differ in that, but they're very, very strict,

uh, and they're very, very pure.

-(GROWLS SLOWLY) -And, that... Oh, yes?

Did you hear that?

Did you hear what I said? I think she...

I think you heard what I said.

-(GROANS) -I think you were listening to me.

Now, when somebody comes in here,

your average tourist, fisherperson, right?

They want to know, "Where do I go?"

So, what you do is you'd sell them this map

and you sell 'em all these different flies.

And you take the map and you take your best places

and you take the best fly for the place,

put it right on the map.

Then you'd sell them the map. Now they know where to go.

We pick out the pattern for you.

So let's say it could be a Disco Midge, it could be a Beadhead,

it could be a Parachute Adams, whatever it is.

-He doesn't have to think, "Oh." -Here's a Waterloo Jane...

Aside from fishing,

dogs have always been a big thing in my family.

Uh, my father was a coonhound man.

He had red bones

and his brother had a blue tick, and his brother had a Plott hound

and some other members of the family, some various cousins,

they have a Stevens' stock and some kind of catahoula hounds.

And my brother, Otto also had a red bone.

We used to fight all the time. He used to say, "I'm a red bone man!"

I used to say, "I'm a bloodhound man!"

The bloodhound, of all the breeds, is just such a noble, loyal, perfect dog.

I mean, you can't find a better dog on the whole planet Earth.

And I would guess that even if one day,

they land on some other planet in Venus or Mars, whatever,

you couldn't find a better dog.

And Hubert is the best hound I've ever had.

I've had probably 10 or 15.

He is not only a great show dog, but he could be a great man-trail dog.

If the police ever came and said, "I need a great bloodhound,"

he would be the one to take out.

Because if there was some kind of convict loose, you know, God forbid,

he would be the one to find him.

Come on. We got everything.

We got all fresh cuts today. We got top-loin,

porterhouse, T-bone, blade, ball-tip, tri-tip, chuck.

-We got everything. -So, basically, you know, meat. (LAUGHS)

-Got a lot of meat. Oh, good.

Now, Tyrone...

Tyrone would like those beef kidneys. So, how about a half-pound of those?

No, not the kidneys. It's the membranes.

-I don't want to pull the membranes. -I'll take care of the membranes.

-Randy, you could pull the membrane off. -Will you stop it?

Uh, I think a little bit of the salmon.

Maybe half pound of the salmon and half pound of the kidneys.

-Half pound. Got it. And do me a favor.

Just get one of those pepperoni sticks out.

-I just want to hold it. (LAUGHS) -Will you stop it? You are so bad.

I was... I had been a hairdresser about 14 years...

And I went to a show, and I saw his nibs here,

uh, having his way with a borzoi.

Just trotting around that ring like he was born to it, and indeed he was.

And I asked my ex-wife, I said, "Who's that?" She says, "That's Scott.

-"He shows a good dog." -(CHUCKLES)

I've never seen anyone as light on his feet...

-Light in the loafers. Say it. Oh, no! -As... No, no, no!

-Stop. No. -Oh, no! Wait until I tell Mom!

It's just he and the borzoi seemed to have the same prance, the same...

It was like they were two members of the same body, you might say.

And it was a wonderful thing.

I knew a guy who had two members on the same body.

Will you stop it?

-I dated him for about a half hour. -In your dreams.

Got so exhausted... Go on. I'm sorry. You were telling a story.

No, and I asked Deb, I said, "Who's that?" And she said,

"That's Scott, and he cuts hair, he grooms dogs

"and he shows dogs, and he's a genius."

And you know, at that time I was, like, wild man on campus.

-Club scene. Mr. Club-Scene here. -Oh, my God, you know.

On a Friday night, I'd have three Saturday nights

-and then I'd go home and wake up. -(CHUCKLES)

My, God, what a thrill.

Really, don't knock it till you've tried it.

Anyway, so we get together, we see several movies and...

-We like the same stuff. -Yeah, before you know it...

-My God. It's the all-American love story. -It sure is.

-Writ large. -(CHUCKLES)

On the marquee, big letters, "Us."

Leslie and I have been together five years.

We have an amazing relationship, and it's very physical.

I mean, he still pushes all my buttons.

And, um, you know, people say, "Oh, but he's so much older than you."

And you know what? I'm the one having to push him away.

Yeah, we both have so much in common.

We both love soup.

And, uh, we love the outdoors.

Uh, we love snow peas.

And, uh,

-talking and not talking. -(DOG WHINES)

Uh...

We could not talk or talk forever

and still find things to not talk about.

Uh, hi. I'm Graham Chissolm.

And I'm the show chairman here at the Mayflower Dog Show.

Uh, this is a very special time for me.

It's something I do every year before the show,

uh, it's come up here and kind of, for the last time, enjoy the solitude,

uh, of what I call a blank canvas.

And, uh, there it is right there. There's nothing out there.

Uh, not that I can see, anyway. No one here.

And in five days from now, you are not gonna believe the difference. Uh...

This center will be packed with people.