The Great Race

[ORCHESTRA PLAYING ROUSING MUSIC]

Ladies and gentlemen...

...you are about to witness the most spectacular feat...

...ever attempted by the greatest daredevil in the world.

The Great Leslie.

He will be strapped in a straitjacket before your very eyes...

...and lifted up into the clouds...

...where eagles soar and no sparrow dares to venture.

Ha, ha. To work. To work, Max.

- Hey, bull's-eye, ha, ha. - Heh, terrific!

There's a hole in the balloon.

Terrific!

- He'll never make it. - He'll never make it.

- A parachute. - A parachute.

A parachute!

A parachute!

- What? - Professor.

Ladies and gentlemen, you are about to witness a feat...

...so dangerous that only one man would dare attempt it.

The magnificent Professor Fate.

Attach the hooks.

The professor will defy death, as his assistant...

...swoops down from the sky, snares the professor...

...on the ground and lifts him into the air.

Contact.

Switch on.

Up, Max! Bring it up!

Coming up.

Max, up, you idiot! Up!

She's up!

Max!

Up, you idiot, up!

Too much weight.

Max!

Ha, ha. Pfft.

I'd like to see the Great Leslie try that one. Ha!

After today you will have broken every existing speed record.

What are your plans for the future?

That depends on how successful I am today. Gentlemen, will you excuse me please?

Be careful, you idiot, you'll blow us both to kingdom come.

Ah, he's getting in the boat.

- You sure you tested the mechanism? - It can't miss.

All you have to do is throw this switch, it homes in on the loudest engine noise.

It's terrific. You see, it's picked up Leslie's boat!

Farewell, Leslie. Ha, ha, away!

Look at that! Golly!

Look at the pretty face on that...

Get away from the rocket.

Gentlemen, I intend to cover the measured mile in approximately 12 seconds.

Activate the rockets.

Professor! One hundred and fifty!

- Two hundred and fifty! - Ha, ha.

- I'll go down in history! - Three hundred.

They'll erect a monument to me!

Ha-ha-ha! I've done it!

- Professor? Professor? - What?

Well, there's another one Leslie can try on for size.

Gentlemen.

I've requested this meeting in order to make you a proposition.

In my opinion, your company manufactures the finest automobile in the world.

The automobile represents progress, in the most profound sense of the word.

The ultimate example of American ingenuity and enterprise.

This great nation cannot take a back seat to competitors like Daimler...

...Mercedes, uh, Napier, Rolls-Royce, Dietrich or Panhard.

Gentlemen, I propose to prove that the American automobile...

...your automobile, is without peers.

And, uh, just how do you propose to prove that, sir?

A race.

Really, sir, you, uh, surprise me.

Automobile races are becoming most commonplace.

I mean, a long race. A very long race.

Buffalo to Albany? It's been done.

Chicago to Cleveland? That's been done.

New York...

...to Paris.

- New York to...? - Paris?

You must build an automobile to the most precise specifications.

No, no.

Absolutely no.

For a company of this repute, a great company the likes of this...

...entrusting its entire automobile future to a man the likes of Leslie, heh, it's disreputable.

A cheap carnival performer, a fraud, a trickster.

Aah! Help! Don't! A madman!

I apologize. I thought you were someone else.

Pulling it out by the roots. I warned you.

The madman. Did you see him trying to pull my beard out right by the roots?

Leslie will lose! Your automobile will lose! I will win!

Yee-haw!

He jumped!

I shall build the greatest automobile in the world and I shall win!

Okay, professor.

This time it will not be Leslie. It will be I, Professor Fate!

Fate the Magnificent!

Ha, ha! Ha-ha-ha!

And it is with no little pride that the Webber Motor Car Company...

...unveils its latest and greatest achievement.

Gentlemen, behold the motor car of the future.

Holy cow!

Holy Toledo, look at that car!

Yes, it's quite a car.

- Ha-ha-ha. - I never saw a car like that in my life.

You never will again either.

Give me the bomb. Ha-ha-ha.

The bomb, the bomb.

Professor, be careful.

After you activate the mechanism, you only got 10 seconds.

I know that. I know that. Give me the cord.

We, uh, have taken the liberty of naming it after the man who inspired its creation.

- The Leslie Special. - I'm deeply honored.

What took you so long?

I had to go to the Rolls-Royce agency.

- I had to steal a spare magneto. - Oh, good.

- It's ready. - Yes.

Yes, it's ready.

There has never been anything like this.

- Professor, your greatest creation. - Genius! Work of genius.

The finest parts from the greatest automobiles in the world.

The Hannibal Twin 8. Ha, ha.

When it comes to the blizzards and snow storms...

...we will continue on just as planned. Push the button, Max.

When the rains come, and when the snow melts...

...we shall continue to rise above it.

Push the button, Max.

Nature will chase us, we will beat her.

And brigands, thieves, cutthroats of all nations may hound us...

...but we are ready for them. We will blast them to kingdom come!

Ha, ha! We can melt, we can blast. We can rise above. We are invincible.

Take us down. Ha-ha-ha.

Push the button, Max.

Max!

Yes.

- Mr. Goodbody. - What is it, Frisbee?

- You've got to come right away. - What's the matter?

Well, it's a young lady, sir.

- What about the young lady? - She's handcuffed herself to the door.

- Handcuffed herself to the door? - Of the men's room.

What?

Gentlemen. Gentlemen. Gentleman!

Return to your assignments. This is a newspaper office.

There will be no lollygagging in this hallway.

There will be no lollygagging in this hallway.

- Frisbee! - Yes, sir.

Now, young lady, who are you?

I am a female past the age of consent.

The first woman to edit the newspaper at my college.

I'll remain handcuffed until I become the first female reporter of the New York Sentinel.

Over my dead body. Unlock those handcuffs and get out.

I will unlock the handcuffs when you give me the job.

- Never! - Never?

- Never. - But, sir.

If she remains here, handcuffed to the men's room...

...the men... The men...

You men may use the washroom on the next floor.

Oh, sir.

- They can't keep running upstairs forever. - They can until you get hungry.

Oh, that would make a story for your competition.

Woman starves to death in the men's room of the New York Sentinel.

- You wouldn't dare. - I would dare anything for women's rights.

- Ha! - Huh!

- Give me an assignment. If I fail, fire me. You're fired.

Frisbee, post a bulletin. Suffragettes are not permitted.

- Let me cover the great race. - It's covered by experienced reporters.

No, I mean really cover it. From start to finish, mile by mile.

Reporters are not permitted on the trip, only contestants.

- Those are the rules. - Break them.

We run a newspaper, not a school for revolutionaries!

Enter the race. Enter your own car.

We are running a newspaper, a newspaper, not an automotive agency!

Are you afraid of losing? Give me the money and I'll enter the race.

I despise suffragettes.

I am not just trying to get the vote for women.

I'm out to emancipate them from the drudgery of being either servants or saints.