Father Brown

TANNOY TONES

Hello, campers.

Rise and shine!

It's another glorious day,

and to get you in the mood, the sun has got his hat on.

Funeral March by Frederic Chopin

Oh!

MUSIC STOPS

I'm so sorry, campers.

I don't know how that happened.

Come on, Mavis. I know you can squeeze me in.

I can't seem to get it up.

Have either of you seen Kitty?

Not recently, no.

She was out all night. It's not like her.

Why don't you ask Mrs...?

Mrs Chummy, I was wondering... Not now, Sandy.

What in the name of all things holy?

This is my new routine, this is!

When all the campers are having their breakfast,

I lay hardboiled eggs for them.

HE CLUCKS

Congratulations on plumbing new depths of vulgarity.

Now, who is responsible for today's prank?

Not me, Mrs Chummy. Oh, no.

That music really put the willies up me.

Well, whoever it is, it has got to stop.

We've got VIPs coming from all over the country this weekend.

And the creme de la creme of Kembleford.

We cannot afford any nonsense!

Who did it?

Who made that monstrous thing out there?

What is it, Jock?

What?

No!

Oh, hello, Father!

Never had you down as having green fingers.

I'm looking after the garden while Mrs McCarthy is away.

And I hope that everything survives until she gets back.

Where's she gone?

To Ireland. To visit her sister.

And it is only in her absence that I realise how much

I rely on her.

Still, everyone deserves a holiday!

Very true. Oh, speaking of which...

..did you get one of these?

An invitation to Chummy's Holiday Camp.

I'm intrigued.

Well, we're going, and the Inspector and his family.

Should be a nice relaxing weekend.

Let's hope so.

Cheerio, Father. Cheerio, Sergeant.

TANNOY TONES

Hello, campers.

Rise and shine!

And what a load of frolics we have for you today.

At 11 o'clock, our ever-popular knobbly knees competition,

followed by an Egyptian cabaret.

Something for everyone, whether you like Egypt or knees.

But it was 20 years ago - my late husband,

Charlie, and I built this camp.

And tonight we are having a gala celebration

with stars old and new.

So come along and let the memories come flooding back.

Yes.

Good morning, everybody.

Good morning, Mrs Chummy.

Now, as you know, today is our anniversary...

Oh!

Sorry I'm late, I was helping a lost child.

Really? Well, it's a pity you didn't get lost yourself,

but never mind.

As I was saying, today is our anniversary.

So there must be no more pranks, or any kind of silliness.

Yes, Mrs Chummy. Woof, Mrs Chummy.

So Sandy will be meeting our VIPs. If that's all right with you?

Of course, Mrs Chummy.

Which means that you will be in charge

of the knobbly knees competition.

Oh, Mrs Chummy, please!

Knobbly knees are beneath me!

I am a highly-skilled entertainer.

Ha! Well, your secret's safe with me.

You keep your little wet nose out of it.

Mrs Chummy, if he doesn't want to, I'd love to have a go.

"Friends, campers, countrymen - lend me your knees!"

No!

Mavis, how many times?

The reason Chummy's has lasted so long

is because everyone knows their place.

And your place is at the end of this!

Morning.

How was your chalet, Father?

Quite sufficient for one night.

They don't really go in for home comforts here.

They want you out and about, having fun.

Speaking of which, I have to go and find the Inspector.

I'll see you later, Father.

Father Brown?

Hello. I'm Sandy.

Sandy Beauchamp.

And I've come to show you the Island of Dreams.

You must be a...

Orangecoat. Oh, yes!

Yes. Of course.

Is it fun? Oh, yeah. Every day is so exciting.

Some days it's quite hard to finish my breakfast.

And what would you say was the secret of Chummy's success?

Er, variety.

Everywhere you go, there's a new gay adventure.

So, shall I take you to the lady who made it all happen?

TANNOY TONES

Hello, campers.

It's knobbly knees time!

So, whether your knees are bonny or bony,

bring them along to our magnificent outdoor pool.

Oh, Father Brown!

Our illustrious guest.

I was most surprised to be invited.

Oh, I've always been very interested in the church.

The liturgy, the traditions.

You are very welcome at Mass tomorrow.

I said I was interested. I didn't say I was obsessed.

But it's so nice to have you here.

Allow me to give you the grand tour.

Now, my husband, Charlie, was one of the big nobs

of the entertainment industry.

But so many of his childhood holidays

were ruined by the rain.

So, back in 1933, he dreamed of a place

where the fun flows freely and rain never stops play.

20 years on, here we are!

Oh, later on, we're having a little talent contest

if you fancy giving us a turn?

I know one or two songs.

What about... No, no, not now.

I don't want to pre-judge.

This is a very special place. Dream Cottage.

Charlie and I used to live here.

I still do, and it's very much the beating heart

of the operation.

Mrs Chummy? Hm?

I'm intrigued. Yes?

The swimming pool is such a feature of Chummy's,

and yet, in 1938, it was a sandpit.

Was it?

I think we were just conserving water.

Mrs Chummy, I don't like to interrupt.

Well, then, don't.

But I've just found out that Sylvia,

who was due to do the sports day today,

has got a gippy tummy. And?

And I thought maybe I could help out.

I could organise the limbo dancing. Indeed.

As you're so good at bending backwards for the guests.

But you are not, and will never be, an Orangecoat.

Haven't you got any floors to mop?

Yes, Mrs Chummy.

Sorry, Mrs Chummy.

I'm sorry. I do hope that didn't seem too harsh.

It did a bit.

Well, I apologise, but here at Chummy's,

we have to run a very tight ship,

which is why our trophy cabinet is simply

groaning with awards.

Ah!

Oh! This is someone's idea of a joke!

Mavis!

Mavis! Yes, Mrs Chummy?

Will you get rid of this?

Roll up! Roll up!

Who wants to roll up their trouser legs,

expose their knees to the breeze?

Come on, sir, it's just a bit of fun.

I fail to see the appeal of naked kneecaps.

First prize is a barrel of beer.

John, hold my coat.

Inspector. Padre.

Don't tell me it's a mortal sin to expose one's kneecaps?

On the contrary, the Bible is clear,

one should not hide one's light under a bushel.

Very droll.

Right, let's get them lined up by the... tedium.

Stadium.

Is everything all right, mate? No, its not.

I didn't want to do this.

CHILD LAUGHS

And they're far too close to the edge!

Where's Mavis? She's supposed to be supervising.

Mavis? What are you talking about?

Is everything tickety-boo?

Jock's just having a moment.

Well, you take over the competition.

And, Jock, come with me.

I want a word with you.

Mind if I join you?

It's a free country.

How did you get on in the knobbly knees contest, Inspector?

Go on, sir. Don't be modest.

Third prize.