Caddyshack

All right, kids! Rise and shine! Let's go, everybody!

Come on, girls! Enough with the hair!

I talked to Pete Scalary last night.

He's going to get that training bra back here real soon. Who's in here?

Danny saw me naked!

You think you're cool, Danny.

Who are you? What's your name?

Did you brush your teeth?

Both of them.

When are you going to get that haircut?

Honey, who is this?

That's your nephew!

What are we running, a restaurant?

Did you get out yesterday?

Twice. I caddied for Ty Webb in the morning...

...and I had doubles in the afternoon.

How much is that?

It's about 30 bucks plus tips.

Well! Put it in the college fund!

You're like a three-year-old!

You have to tell him every time he gets money in his pocket.

Listen, as soon as you guys get...

...back from Little League, let's get some painting done on this house.

The Douglases got fake brick. You don't have to paint it.

Hooray for the Douglases! Oh, Jonathan! Bad boy!

Why don't you give the St. Copius Scholarship people a call?

I don't know about that place anymore. I talked to a guy who went there.

He said there were only two girls and they were both nuns.

I saw that! That's about 10 bucks and change!

I had a couple of burgers and some cokes for lunch.

How many cokes?

Four or five.

What are you, a diabetic?

You're not leaving this house until we settle the college thing!

Honey, if he doesn't have something lined up by September...

...l'm going to ask Tom Burdick to put him on at the lumber yard!

He's not going to work at the lumber yard!

Well, he isn't going to be a caddy all his life, is he?

"I'm all right and nobody worry about me.

"Why you got to give me a fight? Can't you just let it be?

"Who do you want...

"...and who are you going to be today?"

Hey, Mr. Webb. Can I ask you something?

Sure thing. Shoot, Timmy.

Danny.

When you were my age, did you ever have trouble...

...deciding what you wanted to do with your life?

No, I've never had that problem. Why?

Forget it. I didn't think you'd understand.

Do you take drugs?

Every day.

Good. So what's the problem?

I don't know. Did you have to take that Cooter Preference Test...

...when you were a senior in high school?

Oh, yes, I took it. They said I should be a fire-watcher.

What are you supposed to be?

An underachiever.

I've got to go to college. I've got to!

Oh, Danny, this isn't Russia.

Is this Russia? This isn't Russia, is it?

I didn't think so. No, the thing is, do you want to go to college?

In Nebraska? Besides, it costs like $8,000 a year.

Hold on, Danny. I think I let you have, what, $2.50 yesterday?

I can't foot the bill for everything around here, so don't ask for money.

It's just that my dad can't afford it.

I haven't even told him about the scholarship I didn't get.

I'll end up working in a lumber yard the rest of my life.

What's wrong with lumber? I own two lumber yards.

I notice you don't spend too much time there.

I'm not sure where they are.

I like you, Betty.

That's Danny, sir.

Danny. I'm going to give you a little advice.

There's a force in the universe...

...that makes things happen...

...and all you have to do is get in touch with it.

Stop thinking. Let things happen...

...and be... the ball.

Where's the wedge?

Find your center.

Hear nothing. Feel nothing.

That is kind of incredible, sir.

You try it, Danny.

Just relax. Find your center.

Picture the shot. Picture it.

Turn off all the sound.

Just let it happen. Be the ball.

Be the ball, Danny. You're not being the ball, Danny.

Well, it's kind of difficult with you talking like that.

I'm not talking. Stop talking.

I'm not talking now.

Be the ball.

Where did it go?

Right in the lumber yard. It's okay. We'll work on it.

Do you know what I just saw?

A gopher!

A gopher? Where?

Do you know what gophers can do to a golf course?

I think they're tunneling in from that construction site over yonder.

Czervik Construction Company?

I'll slap an injunction on them so fast it will make their heads spin!

You get rid of those gophers...

...or I'll be looking for a new greenskeeper! Is that clear?

Aye, sir! Very clear, sir!

I'll put my best man on it!

I'm looking at you. You wore green so you could hide.

I don't blame you. You're a tramp. Oh, that was a good one!

That was right where you wanted it.

Mrs. Crane, you're a little monkey woman, you know that?

You're a little monkey woman. You're lean...

...and you're mean and you're not too far between either...

...I bet, are you, huh?

Would you like to wrap your spikes around my head?

Damn your eyes, man!

I told you to cut the long grass on the 13th and mow the practice green!

I was unavoidably detained.

Well, you can forget about the 13th and the practice green.

I've got a more important job for you.

I want you to kill every gopher on the course!

Check me if I'm wrong, Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers...

...they're going to lock me up and throw away the key.

Gophers! Gophers! The little brown furry rodents!

We can do that.

We don't even have to have a reason.

Then do it, man!

I'll just do the same thing, but with gophers.

It's not my fault nobody can understand what you're saying.

Give me the Mets and three and I'll take the Yankees even.

I'll call you back.

Caddyshack!

All right. I'll be right up.

Take over for me.

I'll be right back.

So I jumped ship in Hong Kong and made my way over to Tibet...

...and I get on as a looper at this course over in the Himalayas.

A looper?

A looper. You know, a caddy, a looper...

...a jock.

So I tell them I'm a pro jock and who do you think they give me?

The Dalai Lama, himself.

The 12th son of the Lama.

The flowing robes, the grace, bald, striking.

So I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver.

He hauls off and whacks one. Big hitter, the Lama. Long!

Into a 10,000 foot crevice right at the base of this glacier!

Do you know what the Lama says?

Gunga-glalunga Gunga-gunga-da-gunga.

So we finish 18 and he's going to stiff me.

And I say, "Hey! Lama!"

"How about a little something, you know, for the effort?"

And he says, "Oh, there won't be any money...

"...but when you die on your deathbed...

"...you will receive total consciousness."

So I've got that going for me. Which is nice.

Your ball is right over there. Go straight and you can't miss it.

Mrs. Havercamp. You go that way and it's right over...

Mrs. Havercamp. You need this.

Oh, I might, at that.

Mr. Havercamp, your ball is right over here, sir.

No, Mr. Havercamp, the green is right over there. It's that way.

Look, sir, just bend a little that way and swing away and...

...just straight up. That's fine. Great.

That's a peach, hon!

Oh, I'm hot today!

I can't pay you. Lou has to.

Where is he?

He's out.

I can see he's out, numb nuts!

Give me a coke.

Hey, wait a minute! That's only 50 cents!

Lou raised the price of coke. He's been losing at the track.

Well, I ain't paying no 50 cents for no coke!

Then you ain't getting no coke!

You've had it, Noonan! Come on, open this door!

Watch it, jerk!

Come on out, Noonan!

Open up. Come on.

Sure you don't need me for nothing?

Hey, I think you and I ought to go outside and have a little talk.

My friend, you have no idea how happy this is going to make me.

I'm going to enjoy this thoroughly.

I hope that means both of us.

Couldn't we just arm wrestle or something?

That's my brother! Give me a hand.

Whip his ass, Tony!

Now, who did you say the jerk was, jerk?

What is this?

What does that sign say?

No bare feet.

What does that sign say?

No fighting.

What does it mean?

No fighting.

You owe me one gumball machine! What's that candy wrapper doing there?

Don't you see it?

Well, pick it up!

I'm going to put it right on the line.

There have been a lot of complaints already.

Fooling around on the course. Bad language.

Smoking grass. Poor caddying.