Where in the World Is Osama Bin Laden?

You ever wake up in the morning and think,

"Man, life is good.

I mean, it just can't get any better than this."

It's all beautiful and perfect and wonderful and amazing,

and then, one day, that one thing happens

that changes everything.

- I'm pregnant. - (man) That's only one test.

Oh, boy.

What kind of a world am I bringing a kid into?

They say the most important job a father has is to keep his baby safe.

But how am I going to do that? I can cover the electrical sockets,

or childproof Mommy's pill bottles, but that's just inside the house.

- What about out there? - (sirens wailing)

There's cults, muggers, drugs, violence.

Not to mention all of the predators now lurking about.

I could move from the East Village

to a family friendly neighborhood in Brooklyn,

but is that enough to keep my child safe?

- And what about the big things? - (thunder rumbles)

Things like hurricanes, earthquakes or tsunamis?

And that's just that mean, old, Mother Nature.

What about the really big things? Things we should really be afraid of.

Like the most wanted man on the planet. What about him?

We've got the strongest military, sneakiest spies and coolest technology

in the entire world, but we can't find one man hiding in

Afghanibaluchapakiwaziristan?

After 9/11, I thought some satellite would

shoot a laser down onto the earth,

fry up an omelet bin Laden and save us all.

But that wasrt the case. I know, maybe he's dead.

But maybe he's alive. Maybe he's on dialysis.

Maybe he's a nine foot bionic ninja with X-ray vision and the power of flight.

All I know is that in the last six years,

there've been more acts of terrorism, worldwide,

than in 20 years leading up to it. Today, there are known terrorist cells

in more than 100 countries around the world.

By the time my kid's out of diapers, everyone's gonna be a terrorist.

Nowhere's gonna be safe.

With Operation Special Delivery only 19 weeks away,

I just can't sit around and do nothing. If the CIA and the FBI can't find him,

and I'm going to make this world safe for my child, it's time for a new plan.

If I've learned anything from big budget action movies,

it's that complicated global problems are best solved by one lonely guy

crazy enough to think he can fix everything before the credits roll.

And I'm going to find out once and for all:

Where in the world is Osama bin Laden?

Moustache ride.

Reign of Terror!

I'm gonna get you, Osama been hiding.

I wanted to talk to you because I'm getting ready to do a lot of travel.

I wanted to see if I'm going to need any shots, anything...

Where are you going to be going?

We're going to go look for Osama bin Laden.

OK. (laughs) You'll probably find him.

Um, you're going to need a whole bunch of shots and prescriptions.

- You want to do it, want to go for it? - I'm going to need it all, right?

- How many shots am I getting? - Diphtheria, tetanus, polio.

Typhoid, meningitis, hepatitis A and B.

This one I must tell you about. This is your yellow fever.

About one in one million people who get the yellow fever shot,

get a very, very bad reaction.

They get multi-system organ failure.

There are six reported cases or more, maybe seven or eight.

And about four of them died.

Going to need more than shots

to keep me safe in the places I'm heading to.

This is reality-based personal protection,

teaching you how to survive explosions,

small arms attacks, sniper attacks, chemical attacks. We cover it all.

We're going to simulate a hand grenade attack.

Boom! You would have been killed.

I'll show you how to survive. The first thing you want to do

is turn away from the grenade and dive.

You're in a perfect position. This is going to save your life by 98 percent.

When someone's head explodes, that's what it looks like.

Even though it's tragic, we can't focus on this, we got to think about survival.

Look at the wall there. What do you see?

- (Morgan) I see blood. - (Wagner) OK, good.

We have the "blood splatter."

How do we determine where the sniper is at, based on our situation here?

Hold up a hat on a stick.

If I'm in a restaurant, I don't want to sit in the middle.

If a gunman came, where is he most likely to hit? You're dead here.

This is what we call the "fatal funnel."

You want to stay behind that line, you want to stay off the wall.

You're dead here. You're dead here.

Any time you leave your vehicle, you gotta assume, in dangerous places,

someone could plant a bomb on your vehicle. You're dead here.

- (both laughing) - You're dead here.

Here's what I recommend, you go around the corner,

and then you can pull it open,

and if it doesn't go boom, you can go check it out.

Gonna be the most paranoid person in the Middle East.

Maybe that's a good thing. Because if I'm going to find Osama,

I'm traveling to scary places. In the last year, the State Department issued

over 100 warnings about traveling to the Middle East.

Mainly because Americans are now bigger targets for kidnapping and murder.

Now we're going to have a little classroom time about kidnapping.

Here are some basics of surviving as a hostage.

You got to accept it and start planning on how you're going to survive it.

Speak only if spoken to.

- Is this the crew's, the cameramars? - No.

Don't provoke the captors. Don't stare at them.

Don't have a harsh tone of voice. Don't be argumentative.

Don't have an attitude. These people are in control, not you.

This is not a fucking game.

Especially when you're in Baghdad, Kabul, or you're in Turkey,

this stuff is going on daily, and you gotta be prepared for it.

I'm usually a pretty calm person when it comes to...

...crazy shit happening around me.

But that's a whole other level of crazy.

We wage a war to save a civilization itself.

They hate us, our country. They hate the liberties for which we stand.

Until you catch the chicken, you don't have the chicken.

Want you to get used to the sound of the language.

- (both making consonant sounds) - Oh, good, Wow.

Go for the eyes. The eyes!

Are you going to convert to Muslim or not?

Shoot him, shoot him.

I recommend you wear the clothes.

Maybe you can hit the tanning salon a little bit.

- (shots firing) - (yelling)

- Grenade! - (screaming)

Somebody said I should grow my beard out?

Yeah, for you. Because you obviously look very foreign.

- Look at this area. Much bigger, right? - This guy is probably alive.

You could have a situation where a device explodes and it gets on you.

Oh, fuck!

I brought you these outfits. Hopefully, it keeps you safe.

This is a normal reaction. He's fine.

How do I say, "Don't take me, take the cameraman?"

He's alive!

You have to know the way an Islamic terrorist thinks.

Jim's right. I need to learn how Osama thinks.

To find a fox, you need to think like a fox.

I need to get inside his head and learn what makes him tick.

I need to explore the world he comes from.

Meet the people who influenced him.

Visit the places that shaped him into who he is today.

And, most of all, I need to try to understand

what drives an Osama bin Laden to begin with. I know just the place to start.

Egypt is the birthplace of one of the heaviest hitters

in the world of terrorism. Ayman Al-Zawahiri.

He's Al-Qaeda's Team Manager and Osama's personal mentor.

His stats are pretty impressive.

He was a member of the Muslim Brotherhood at the age of 14.

He's a life-long follower of Sayyid Qutb,

the man credited with creating modern day Islamic fundamentalism,

is currently the number two of Al-Qaeda, and...

...he's a Gemini.

And I got a tip where to find his uncle, Mahfouz Azzam.

If he can tell me where the A-man is, odds are Osama won't be too far away.

- Hello. - Hello. Mahfouz? (speaks Arabic)

- It's nice to see you. Welcome. - Nice to see you.

- Thank you. - Please.

- It's a beautiful day today. Very nice. - Yeah.

- (Morgan) So do you know where he is? - (man in Arabic) No.

Where do you think he is?

If you learn where he is, I beg you, let me know.

I just want to make sure he is OK.

He won't let me know by phone because you kill people with the phone.

The Russians killed the president of Ohechnya with the phone,

and you Americans have killed people with the phone.

This, a telephone, has become a lethal weapon!

And every month my bank account gets killed by my phone.

- (laughing) - Which makes it even worse.

So, if you knew where he was,

you wouldn't turn him in for the $25,000,000?

I would like to tell you something,

the hungry

who cannot find bread to eat

in Afghanistan

they wouldn't accept these $25 million of yours

to turn in a Muslim they know is waging jihad for them.

So he's in Afghanistan?

- You say so. - You said so. You just told me.

America says so. America says so.

- Do you think he's in Afghanistan? - America says.

So if Al-Zawahiri and Osama bin Laden just disappeared tomorrow,

would things change?

The seed that was sown by America,

a seed of spitefulness, hate,

aggression and killing,

cannot disappear in the short term.

There has to be another foreign policy to uproot this seed.

It's easy to criticize American foreign policy,

with the second most wanted terrorist in the family.

I should find regular folks who might be more objective.

What do you guys hear about Americans?

The Americans are known to be fighting

the Egyptians, Palestinians and Iraqis.

- We're fighting you? - (laughing)

- Yes. - Really? I didn't even know that.

What are we fighting the Egyptians for?

You want to occupy Egypt.

Do we? Why?

We're not that well versed in politics

but that's what we hear on TV and stuff.

What do you think about America?

They are good people, but we reject the American foreign policy.