8 Simple Rules

Ha, ha! Guess what?

You got a job delivering the world's largest pizza?

No.

It's a massage table,

which means I got into

beginning massage techniques.

Yeah!

See, if you went to George Romney Community College,

you'd know that's kind of a big deal.

Congratulations.

The world needs more geisha girls.

All right, yeah.

Listen

Massage happens to be the fastest growing industry in America.

Yeah, people are dying to get rubbed down.

By you? Come on, C.J.

The thought of you touching strangers is why people carry mace.

-Hi, guys. -Hi.

Oh, great. The sink is leaking again.

Rory; Call the plumber.

Hey! Do you know what they charge for house calls?

I can fix a leak.

Really? Is that why you get up five times a night?

Dad, I just don't want you to strain yourself.

Ohh... I can still turn a wrench.

Oh; Well, okay.

Well; Guess who got sent home today with a dress-code violation?

Take your time, mom. I know it's a tough one.

Oh, great. Your principal wants to meet with me.

Ah..ah..It's so unfair. Do I look like a hooch to you?

A hooch?

Honey, I'm not up on the latest teen slang.

Hooch. It's short for 'hoochie mama'.

'30s jazz lingo for hussy. Come on, Cate! Get with it!

Eh, ...I don't understand. You look fine.

I know. It's this new principal. He thinks he runs the school.

-He does run the school. -Oh, please,

He's been there one week.

I've been there 3 years.

Now, Bridget; Why do I get the feeling that you are not 100% innocent?

Because mom, inside, you know she's a 'Hooch'.

Okay; Maybe my underwear band showed for, like, 2 seconds.

There's this totally dumb new rule

where your underwear band can't show,

yet they assign me a bottom locker.

Everyone knows when you bend over, your shirt rides up

your jeans go down, and your underwear just stays there.

Duh, it's called physics.

So who is really to blame here,

me, who innocently bent over to get a book,

or the school who knowingly assigned a bottom locker to a hottie?

Wait a minute. You bent over for a book?

Okay; It was a "Cosmo Girl."

Oh.

Oh.

Hey. Good as new.

Wow, dad, you fixed that fast.

Didn't strain myself at all.

See, Bridget; What you have to do here is loosen that coupling there...

Ah, ah, ah

Dad, a magician never gives away his secrets.

Don't forget to pick up your tools.

I gotta go, but if you're feeling up to it,

the garage door opener needs to be replaced.

-Yeah, I'm up to it. -Good.

Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh.

Ugh!

What are you doing?

I'm looking for something.

What? The disk you slipped?

Hey hey, I'm fine.

Ah, ha. Admit it, grandpa.

You don't want to admit to aunt Cate

that you hurt yourself fixing the sink. -Ugh

If I weren't fine would I be able to do this?

If we slipped a piano under your hands it might look normal.

Listen;

You're having a spasm, all right?

I can take care of that.

What are you talking about?

Listen; I'm the star pupil in my massage techniques class.

Besides, these hands

have been giving relief to people for years.

What people?

Lots of people. Well, okay, me.

Still, give it a chance.

Massage is for sissies.

No, this is sports massage. It's different.

It's for boxers, football players... tough-guy stuff. All righ?

I can rebuild you, make you better, stronger, faster.

I swear, C.J., if you lay a hand on me, I'll... Oh! Oh!

-Does that hurt? -Yeah.

-I've only had one class. -No, no, no.

It's all right. It's a good hurt.

Get back with it.

Well, actually I better go.

-Are you gonna leave me hanging? -I've got school.

Yeah? Well I gotta fix a garage.

Listen; I tell you what: You got my number.

Call my girl, set up an appointment.

What girl?

She may sound like an automated voice on a cell phone,

but she's real sweet. Chat her up a bit.

I have nothing against dress codes.

It's just that up until now we've done fine without them.

-Now, I assure you, Mr. Gibb... -I'm sorry.

Did you go to Garfield high?

What? Um, yes.

-Anyway... -I went to Garfield.

Oh. Freaky.

Anyway, this morning I was looking at how other girls dressed,

and though my daughter is no angel,

compared to those hooches in the hallway,

Bridget is like 'Laura Ingalls'.

What year did you graduate?

Um, it was 19...

What does this have to do with Bridget?

I'm sorry. You just look so familiar. Do I?

No.

But then there weren't many gray-haired kids in my class.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Anyway, um, uh,

My Bridget has been known to dress a little racy in the past,

but what she was wearing yesterday was not racy in the slightest.

What was your maiden name?

Please, aren't we talking about Bridget?

Yes, okay, I'm sorry. I'll drop it.

Look; My dress code is never very popular at fir...

You hung out in front with the stoners?

No.

Now look. I am missing work for this.

I am a nurse and without me my patients could die.

Really?

Well, no.

But they could wet their beds.

Eh...

-Can we just stick to the subject? -Yes, of course.

I will drop it. Won't bring it up again.

Bottom line: My dress code works.

Test scores go up, discipline problems go down.

Egan! You're Cate Egan!

Oh, for God's sake!

-Am I right? -Yes!

Ed! Ed Gibb!!

Oh. Well, h...

How are you?

You have no idea who I am, do you?

Not a clue.

Really?

Uh...

Back to Bridget?

Yes. Yes.

May I show you something?

This is a photograph taken of Bridget

to document her dress-code violations.

Now I ask you

Is that proper school attire?

Let me see this.

Oh! She did not leave the house looking like this.

Uhm..well..I think it's pretty obvious what happened here.

Yeah. You put Bridget's head on some hooch's body?

Or she altered the outfit once she left the house.

Both valid theories.

You know, I used to go by "Eddie."

People would say, "Eeeed-die!"

Nothing.

C.J., are you ready for me yet?

What's taking you so darn lng?

I'm just getting the massage table ready.

Okay; Come on in.

What the hell is all this?!

Wooo... I sense a lot of tension, grandpa.

Take a whiff of this. Inhale.

Get that away from me!

C.J.; This was supposed to be a sports massage.

You turned my room into Bangkok!

It is a sports massage... with a flair.

-Now breathe. -C.J., I swear

If you don't put my room back the way it was, I'm gonn...

-Is that patchouli? -Yeah, with a dash of lavender.

-Sort of... delightful. -Eheee

It is. See? I know what I'm doing.

Okay, now lose the robe and get under the sheet.

Just holler when you're naked.

-Not yet. -Was that a holler?

No!

Aaahh

-Hi. -Hi, mom.

So, Bridget, I just had a little talk with your principal.

Just so I'm clear,

The only dress-code violation you had was

a two-second flash of underwear band?

Yeah. I told you they assigned me a bottom locker.

I saw the photo.

The totally put my head on some hooch's body!

No.

God did that.

Mom

This principal has some sort of a grudge on me.

It's almost like he's jealous.