Mum

Cathy, do you, um...?

Debs, she doesn't need our help.

Cathy, do you know the rules for a first date?

- It's not a date. - No, it's not a date, Debs.

Because I don't know what it was like in the...'40s?

'70s. Yeah.

But these days, if you sleep with him, you're a whore,

and if you don't, you're frigid.

Yeah, but it's not a date, love, remember?

He's just a man that I met online who lost his wife last year.

So it couldn't be less romantic.

- What I did before Ryan was, I had a method. - OK.

What I did was, I didn't sleep with the boys I wanted to sleep with

in case they lost respect for me,

and instead, I slept with the boys I didn't want to sleep with.

- That's a really good way of doing it. - Isn't it?

Do you want me to sort your hair out?

I think I'm all right, actually.

You going to join us in the garden, Cathy?

No offence, but your arms are so white, they make me want to puke.

Sorry about Debs.

Oh, don't be silly. She's just trying to help.

Yeah.

She's really nice. She's like my cousin,

- but also like my best friend, if that makes sense? - Mm.

I think she's, um... I think she's going through the menopause.

Do you know what the menopause is, love?

- Well, not exactly, no. - Right.

But I know it makes you mental.

So when I went on my first date with Dave...

Is this going to be rude?

Yeah, a little bit.

Oh, Cathy, I'm blushing!

When we went on our first date,

we went back to his and, you know, did it.

- Did what? - Sex.

Cathy!

And we did it over and over again that night.

And I don't think we came out of his bedroom the whole weekend

because we were just doing it over and over again.

Oh, that's revolting!

Oh, my God! Cathy!

Oh, my God! Cathy, I never knew you were such a minx!

Ooh! Ooh, you dirty little grot-bag!

Ooh, blimey!

You saucy little bitch!

Rotten old slut!

- That's enough. - Sorry.

All right, love? Can I get you anything?

No, I'm good.

Listen to this. On your mum and dad's first date...

- Hello? - I'm in here.

Sorry I'm late.

Kelly's cousin keeps threatening to do my hair.

Oh, dear. Why?

Um...

because she's completely and utterly nuts.

Her name's Debs.

What's she like?

Well, we've talked about the shape of the solar system.

- It's shaped like an egg. - Of course it is.

We've talked about turquoise.

- Turquoise? - Yeah, turquoise.

- Debbie doesn't think it counts as a colour. - Oh.

We did a selfie.

She showed me a picture of the world's biggest dog.

- Oh. Was it big? - Yeah. Yeah.

In fairness to her, it was massive!

You all packed for your holiday?

Yeah, got some bits from the fridge that were going out of date.

- Oh, lovely. Thanks. - So, where do you want me to drop you off?

- Just the Pizza Express by the station, if that's all right? - Mm.

Oh, and that's the other thing.

Debbie keeps calling it a date.

- Calling what a date? - Cathy?

- (That's her.) - Cathy!

Yes, Debbie?

Sorry, Cathy, she just wants to do something about your hair.

- OK. - Just something to stop you looking so ugly. No offence.

None taken.

Cathy, could you make the fan colder?

Er... well, that's as cold as it goes, Maureen.

I want you to make the fan colder! I'm sticky!

Why don't you go and sit in the living room? It's cooler in there.

- She doesn't mean ugly, do you, Debs? - No, I do. - Thanks.

Take your cardigan off.

Yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you, you pervert!

Well, I-I think I'm fine, thanks. Thanks, Debbie.

I'll just leave my hair as it is in terms of colour, length, shape

and to use your word from earlier, straggliness.

OK.

Can you put that down, love?

- Dave got you it, didn't he? - Yeah.

It's a bit, um... I don't know how to put it.

Well, it's like a thing in a museum, isn't it?

Everyone's like, "Oh, it would've been nice in the olden days,"

but you'd only wear it now if you were, like, your age. No offence.

Or, like, a hippy girl with a great big bush.

Lovely.

- (Debs!) - (What?) - (You can't talk about bushes in front of old people. How many times?)

- Hi, Reg. Maureen. - You all right, Michael?

- Yeah. How are you? - Hm.

Oh, Michael, this is my cousin, Debbie.

Debbie, this is Michael.

Oh! Is he the one who's after Cathy?

- No. - Debbie!

No, no-no-no-no-no-no. Never. No. No.

No. Debs, this is Michael.

- I just meant that he's nice to her. - Aw!

He's just like one of the girls.

- Cathy would never go out with him, would she? - No.

You should've seen him when he was your age.

He was a pansy.

The girls wouldn't touch him.

That's sadly very, very true.

- You having a good morning? - Yeah. - Yeah?

Yeah, we've just been keeping Cathy entertained.

- Yeah, she mentioned that. - Wow!

Do a twirl!

You look lovely, Mum!

Go on, do a twirl.

- Ah! - Aw!

- When my mum goes on a date... - It's not a date.

She's, like, "Have I got everything? Got my condoms, charger?"

- Diaphragm. - Yeah. - Yeah, my mum's the same.

Condoms, charger, nip upstairs

to pop in the diaphragm and away she goes.

- Shall we? - Yeah. I'm just going to use your toilet, OK?

Toilet!

I love old people. Just call it a bog, like everyone else!

Yeah.

Maybe you should sit in the shade for a bit, Debbie.

Yeah, probably.

Seriously, though, Cathy, have you got some condoms?

Yeah, I've got hundreds.

Oh, great! Good luck!

Oh!

- You been? - No. Er... no.

Debbie seemed lovely. I don't know what your problem was.

She's going out with Ryan,

which apparently means she's the expert on dating.

She was going on and on about my lunch today.

She wanted to know all about the bloke I'm meeting.

Just... just the normal things, you know, like, what phone he's got,

what gym he goes to, exactly how his wife died.

Apparently, I'm lucky because she likes an older man, Debbie does.

And if she could have sex with any older man in the world,

the one man Debbie would have sex with is,

and this was a surprise -- Neil Kinnock.

- Neil Kinnock?! - Neil Kinnock.

- You going, then? - Yeah, yeah.

So, what's this about a date?

Oh, no, it's just Kelly being Kelly.

I'm just having lunch with a friend.

He's on one of the online forums. His wife died last year, so...

Ah, nice.

You might need me to come in, if you want,

- check out he's not a weirdo, or... - Don't be silly.

He seems fine. He's very caring.

Ah, OK. No, I'm sure he is, I'm sure he is very nice.

I'd like to meet him.

- Right, well... - Yeah, I'll, er... I'll see you downstairs.

- Yeah, great. - Yeah.

I broke her necklace, Debs!

Debs! I broke her necklace.

I broke Cathy's necklace!

Oh, my Lord, she's going to be furious, babe. I know these things.

I'm an observer. I observe life. It's a gift.

- Babe? - Yeah.

She'll go mental, babe.

She'll be screaming, crying, tearing her hair out.

Oh, God! She already hates me.

We went on and on about turquoise.

Well, we've got a point there, babe. It's not a colour.

All right, Pauline?

Lovely day, isn't it?

It's all right.

I've got some people coming to look at my car.

I used to drive a BMW.

Oh, nice.

My mate's dad's got one of them.

- Has he? - Yeah.

Yes, er...

Actually, interesting story.

When we were together, my husband took me to Brands Hatch.

We were in the suite.

Oh, yeah. I've had a look in there. It's nice, isn't it?

Yes. Yeah.

I've been to the Maldives.

- Oh, wow. - Yes.

I've never been anywhere like that.

Thought not.

Oh, hello, Pauline. I've got it in here.

- Oh, fantastic, yes. - Lovely day, isn't it?

Not bad.

I'd rather be on the Med.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Have you ever been to the boot of Italy?