Peep Show

Flagpole Sitta by Harvey Danger

I'm not sick but I'm not well

And I'm so hot

Cos I'm in hell

'Shoes. The boringest purchase. If only Sophie was here.

'We could horse around and spray suede protector about.

'Come on, Mark, it's Sophie and Jeff now. That's fine, it's not Armageddon.

'Relax. Live a little. Could get brown brogues.

'Best stick to black. Don't want to go completely mental.'

Can I help you?

Oh. Yeah. Thanks. I'm after some shoes.

I did think brown brogues, but I'd look like a spiv.

'Spiv? Of course, because this is 1942 Come on, she's only a nice girl.'

Say which ones, cos one time I recommended shoes, the person tried them on

and they didn't look good,

but then they bought them and I felt bad.

Sorry, you didn't need to know that.

No, it's fine.

I was thinking black, size eight. But broad. I have a broad foot.

Yeah? Doesn't feel so broad.

But you know how broad they are!

No, I just thought they were broad.

'Keep feeling my foot. Please.'

If we were using Ancient Egyptian measurements,

I'd say it was about a fifth of a cubit, or one hand. Your foot's a hand.

Sorry, that's the geekiest joke.

No, I thought it was funny. I like Ancient Egypt, too.

OK, I'll get you a couple of pairs.

'Knows about cubits, not comfortable in her own skin. She's one of me! '

So, Hans - old issue, I know, but the band name.

It's a statement, but what does the statement... mean?

There you go. Free munchies.

- Did you just nick this? - Course. They should pay me to eat this shit.

Free chocco. Mm, tasty.

The secret ingredient is crime.

So, Jez, you know Pete Preston's outfit, the Executioner's Bong?

- Yeah, bunch of wankers. - Exactly.

They want me to front them for a couple of gigs.

What?

I'm gonna have to quit Coming Up For Blair.

You can't be in two bands - Tom Petty tried that. Nearly killed him.

What about me? And you owe me for the computery thing we don't know how to work.

Maybe I can get you in on... maracas.

I won't be Bez. I wanna be in there on merit.

You won't make it on merit.

Just get me in. Then we'll see about merit.

'It's cool. I'm not a stalker. I thank shop girls with chocolates.

'I just happened to pop by a few days later to let her know I've broken them in. That's my line.'

- Excuse me. - Yes, sir?

I'm looking for April. I'm a friend and...

You're a friend of April's?

No, but obviously April's at university now.

Of course. Of course she is. We were talking about that. OK, thanks.

'Do a Columbo. Do a Columbo.'

Just... remind me, which university has April gone to?

Dartmouth.

Dartmouth. Of course. Dartmouth. Thanks.

'Good old Columbo. Just the one technique, but shits on Quincy.'

Yup, going on tour, baby. The important thing is... I'm not Bez.

Excellent, baby! What's a bez?

Oh, er, Bez in American...

He's like... You know Flavor Flav from Public Enemy?

No.

Well, he's like him. But with maracas.

Right. Hey, Jez is going on a nationwide music tour!

Three dates across the south coast, 100 quid a gig. You do the math.

So you're all piling round in a van?

Well, I'll be going by National Express. You can't make a van bigger than it is.

No matter how much I or anyone else may wish it were a bit... bigger.

You do the math.

S. Math-s. Where are you going?

All the biggies. Southampton, Dartmouth, Plymouth.

I wish I wasn't working. I'd love to see the English Riviera.

- Dartmouth? - The very student union where we met.

Cool.

'This isn't stalking. I want to support Jez.'

- So, they good, this band? - Bunch of wankers.

I'd love to come, then.

I bet you don't get these in the van. Air on or off.

How long does it take again?

Just eight and three-quarter hours.

Wicked. Thank God we're not in the van.

I can't believe we're going back to Dartie.

- There's no quim likes to party - Like the quim down in Dartie

Those were the days. Did you ever appeal about your degree mark?

Who cares about that shit? I didn't go to university to get a degree.

No. Of course.

No use regretting the past. I wish I'd done Ancient History...

I thought you did.

I did Business Studies, Jeremy, for three years.

- And I talked to you about it daily. - Right.

'I could say it's all ancient history now. He wouldn't like it.'

Well, it's all ancient history now.

'Ha! I'm gonna razz those fuckers.'

Mark, look, it's Super Hans and the band.

- 'You've reached the voicemail of... - Super Hans.

'Please leave a message.'

That guy. I love that guy. That is so funny.

'You won't be laughing so hard when the loan repayments kick in, buddy.

'I suppose you can always defer.

'Showtime. "Just swinging through town, thought I'd check what's hot at the Arts Fac."

'After she's thrown up, we can go for a pizza. I think that's her! '

H... Hello? Hi. Sorry. Hello?

'Shit! Where's she going?

'I'm not licensed to be in this far. I'm following her! Shit!

'What am I gonna do next, take secret photos and lie masturbating in my own filth? '

Sorry, do I recognise you?

Er, the... shoe shop?

Black brogues. I thought I was broad-footed, you felt otherwise.

Wow! What are you doing here?

Sorry, you're obviously a student. Are you doing history too?

Er... yeah.

- Wow. Who's your tutor? - Professor...

MacLeish.

You're here for the tutorial. Sorry. I'm a bit slow.

They'll soon knock that out of me.

Along with any individuality. Not that I've got any.

OK. Come on.

After you.

'Why am I walking into the jaws of death?

'They're best avoided, that's common knowledge.'

Yes. So. Here we are.

Another exciting trawl down the vista of history.

There is no new history, only new historians. Ha, ha.

Were you here last week?

Me?

'This is my moment of madness, my Clapham Common.'

Er, no. I'm... I'm new. I'm mature.

I went to Coventry for a week in error. Lovely. Destroyed in the war. Obviously.

There was a mix-up. I'm not on the forms but I'm... here now.

Well, obviously. Fine. What did you make of it?

'Is that how easy it is to steal some education?

'Bloody hell! Who's in charge?

'The world's just people going into rooms and saying things? It's all a swizzle? '

I thought there were contradictions.

They suggested Christ's Galilee was culturally Roman.

Not that old fallacy?

The Romans didn't station a legion in Galilee till, what, 130 AD?

Yes, indeed.

But I suppose all research funding leads to Rome.

What was your name again?

Corrigan. Mark Corrigan.

'I'm doing it, Dad. I'm studying Ancient History and there's not a thing you can do! '

'I'll give them a hand. Not that I'm a roadie. I'm just helping out.

'I bet Ringo had to carry stuff. Not that I'm anything like Ringo.'

Are you in Executioner's Bong?

I sure am, little lady.

- Would you sign this? - Fuck, yeah.

Jez, when you've finished that, could you get us six lattes?

That is so Pete. Fuck off, Pete.

It's just a... little thing we have going.

You've seen Spinal Tap, yeah?

Good luck with this week's reading.

If you're plagiarising, don't do it from a book I've written. It's almost bound to ring a bell.

Mark, April, hold on.

I'm having a gathering tonight for potential contributors to my folly, Rhombus Magazine.

Could you two make it?

- Yeah. - Sure.

'I'm being ushered into the inner ring.

'I bet they make jokes about the Atkins diet and do prank calls to Gore Vidal in Esperanto.'

So, what do you play in the Bong?

Me? Er, everything. I do everything.

I can't do it all at once so I get them to help.

Sometimes at a gig I'll just cool it with the maracas.

Oh, yeah, like Bez.

No, not like Bez. Nothing like fucking Bez.

Can I ask your advice? I really wanna set up a label for bands that can't get a deal...

'Maybe she'll suck me off after the gig. What about Nancy?

'What am I gonna do when she tries to suck me off? '

capitalist agendas that make everyone sound basically the same.

Sorry, I'd better just say now...

I've got a girlfriend.

Wow! This is great. But aren't you gonna max out on your loan?

Fuck it. Get another one. You can always defer.

- To university. - To university.

'She is so lovely and doesn't even realise.

'No-one's ever told her. I'll tell her. No.

'If she realises, I'm finished.'

Mark. You're here. You didn't say. You're here.

So, how do you two know each other?

Let's not talk that shit. "This is what I do, I'm from here."

We're all people, after all. With hands and feet.

We met in our tutorial.

You were in a tutorial?

I may party hard, but I do go to the odd tutorial.

- What? - You have to, if you do a history degree.

You're doing a history degree?

That's right, Jeremy.

He's in a band. His hearing's gone, all the gigs.

How long are you gonna be here? Three years?

That's how long undergraduate degrees are.

- So you're not coming back? - Nope.

So... what shall I do? Rent out your room?

Of course. We've been over this.

- Have we? - That's right, Jeremy.

But I... I don't understand.

Let me get you a drink. I'll explain everything all over again.

You're stalking her?