The Railway Man

At the beginning of time

the clock struck one.

A drop of dew and the clock struck two.

From the dew grew a tree

and the clock struck three.

Then the tree made a door

and the clock struck four.

Then man came alive

and the clock struck five.

Count not

waste not

the hours on the clock.

Behold I stand at the door and knock.

Is that a new Bradshaw's, Eric?

Or one of your world famous collection of out of date railway timetables?

I have a small problem...

which I suspect this gathering might find interesting.

Last Thursday

I was returning from a book auction in Chester

and, learning of a delay on the Manchester-Edinburgh line,

found it necessary to make a rapid adjustment to my itinerary,

leaving me just three minutes to change platforms at Crewe.

Tickets from Crewe.

Tickets from Crewe.

You're on the wrong train, sir. This is for Glasgow.

The Edinburgh train... It's delayed. I thought

if I got your train as far as Carstairs I ought to be

in time to catch the Manchester-Edinburgh on it's way up.

That should work. Enjoy your journey, sir.

Tickets from Crewe.

I could have done with you this morning, in Taunton.

Straight forward enough, surely?

Train down to Bristol Temple Meads... The Bristol train was cancelled.

Well in that case you could take it across to...

A friend gave me a lift.

I see. And he gave me a timetable.

Look at this...

He marked all of the interesting things on the map.

Did you know...

Warrington was famous for vodka?

It's also the birthplace of George Formby.

Hmm... is it really?

Most people assume it was Wigan.

Or Formby.

But it was Warrington.

You know, with all due respect to your friend, if all he's mentioned is vodka,

he's really only scratched the surface of Warrington.

The Black Prince.

Remember the Black Prince?

Had all his armour made there.

Warrington was really the only place to go if you wanted a suit of armour.

A sort of Saville Row in steel.

Goodness!

Maybe we should get off, take a look around.

Well if think Warrington's interesting, you wait till we get to Preston.

Lancaster,

known as the Hanging Town.

Lancaster Assizes hanged more people than any court in the land,

except for London.

That's Carnforth.

That's where they filmed Brief Encounter, apparently.

You're too young to remember that, of course.

Well my Aunt went to see it with a girlfriend and a couple of sailors,

and she told me that...

whenever the actress...

Celia Johnson. Celia Johnson...

got a bit tearful, the sailors would shout,

"Come on, Trevor. Give her one!"

Sorry.

I've gone too far.

Promise I'll behave better from now on.

I've never been to the Highlands before, so suddenly... um...

well finding myself single again, so to speak,

I... I thought I'd like to see them.

So I'm going to go up as far as Mallaig by train and then I'm catching

the coach to Inverness and coming down the other side.

What do you think?

The West Coast is extraordinarily beautiful.

You might well fall in love with it.

And if I were to fall in love, what then?

Well instead of a coach to Inverness,

you might consider taking the line back to Tyndrum and changing for Oban.

And from there you can get any number of boat trips:

Iona, Staffa.

It's very romantic.

Are you romantic?

I have to be in Edinburgh...

by Wednesday.

Carstairs, now approaching.

Carstairs. Carstairs.

So it is.

It was very nice to meet you.

You were an unexpected bonus.

Well.

Thank you again.

And so you see,

I am forced to the unlikely conclusion,

that I've fallen in love.

So?

What are you going to do?

Would you excuse me for a moment?

There are only two trains from Inverness to Edinburgh on Wednesdays...

Edinburgh Waverley, this is Edinburgh Waverley.

Good afternoon.

Good afternoon. Ah...

This is a surprise. What a coincidence.

Are you catching this train?

Yes, I am.

Well it's just that it terminates here.

It's not entirely a coincidence.

It's not entirely a surprise.

I'm not really used to entertaining, as you'll see.

What are you doing?

I was just going to give it a stir.

Good heavens.

But the bottom of the pan's going to burn... Sit down.

So masterful.

Masterful but wrong. We shall see.

I might nip out for a Brillo pad for the burn marks

on the bottom of the pan. Don't move.

Why not?

Because I'm looking at you.

Perfect.

You're making quite a meal of this.

That was the general idea.

You know, I was wondering.

I've never kissed a man with a moustache before.

Hmm...

And I don't think I'm going to kiss a man with a moustache again.

Hmm.

And if the man removed the moustache?

Yes, that would do nicely.

I'm just going to keep looking into those lovely brown eyes.

Why?

I don't know.

Takes my mind off the broken teeth and the shabby clothes.

Not quite so shabby today, actually.

Better get them off so I don't get confused, then.

If you think that's a good idea. M-hmm.

I'm so happy.

Get dressed, Lomax.

No, no, no.

No!

The war's over! Not for you, Lomax.

No! No! This way, please.

Please... no!

Eric! Oh, God!

Help us! For the love of God, someone help us!

Gentlemen.

You have all fought valiantly.

You are a credit to your country.

But I have to inform you that General Percival has decided,

under the circumstances, to negotiate, as it were,

a ceasefire.

He's thrown in the towel, sir? What happens to us?

Thorlby!

We are still a fighting unit and you will do what you're told.

You can start by destroying anything that might be of value to the enemy.

Quickly, gentlemen.

Lomax.

What are you doing?

Might come in handy, sir.

Christ almighty.

Lomax, my friend,

I think we have just witnessed the fall of the British Empire.

You will number off!

Beginning with number one.

One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Five.

Six.

Seven.

Eight.

Nine.

Ten.

Jack.

Queen.

King.

Ace.