The Chumscrubber

This was the best of all possible worlds.

But even here, a little help was necessary.

And that's where Troy came in.

Troy supplied feel-good pills

to all the kids at Hillside.

And, in this way,

happiness was spread all around.

Life could not possibly be any more wonderful.

Lainie, listen, do you feel like something's missing?

Has your energy level been noticeably low lately?

Believe me, I know.

- (video game in background) - Believe me. Yes.

Right. So if you would choose at this time

to upgrade to the full platinum package,

you would start to see the

changes that I'm talking about.

Mm-hmm. No. No, no, no.

I don't want you to think of these as vitamins.

- (boy) Ah, son of a bitch. - (woman) Charlie!

I am doing VeggiForce.

Yes!

Oh, absolutely.

Can I...? I...

Can I tell you, it has completely changed my life.

You see?

It has given me an entirely new life system.

Good for you, Lainie. Good for you! I'm so happy.

- (music gets louder) - (people laughing)

Oh, Dean, hello.

It's so wonderful to see you.

Troy's out back in his little hideaway.

Dean, do me a favor.

Get him to turn his stereo down just a little bit?

- Sure. - Great. Thanks so much.

Troy?

Goodbye, Dean.

Goodbye, Mrs. Johnson.

Uh, Dean. I was hoping to

get your opinion on something.

Can you come in here for a minute?

It'll just take one second.

Publisher sent this over.

It's for promotional events. You know, book signings, lectures...

...TV.

You got a good eye. What do you think? Is it too much?

What do you want, Dad?

Let's have a seat.

I want to talk to you about Troy.

- Come on, I told you everything already. - You told us the facts.

What we're interested in now is how you feel about it.

- Dad, who's we? - Well, your mother and I, of course.

And... and...

I guess a lot of people. You threw us all for a loop there, pal.

Hold on a second.

Is this a therapy session?

- Is that what you're doing? - No, not at all.

- You think I'm crazy? - Of course not.

We're just talking here. Man to man, all right?

- Just talking? - Absolutely.

Man to man?

OK.

Dean, I know Troy was your best friend.

Actually, we weren't really friends.

We hung out sometimes, that's all.

Did you have a better friend than him?

I don't really have any friends. You know that.

Strictly speaking, Troy was your best friend.

And how do you feel about

the suicide of your best friend

in the world?

Real shitty.

Come on, son, make an effort for me.

Dad, I told you before.

I'm not all broken up about it.

I know I'm supposed to be. I'm just not.

You're really not?

- No, I'm sorry... - No, no. I...

I understand how someone might respond like that.

What are you writing?

Dad, I thought we were just talking man to man here.

Just one second.

Dad, if you write about me again in another one of your stupid books,

- I'm gonna kill you. - Stupid?

There are several major book chains around this country

- that would disagree with you. - All right.

The Happy Accident will pay your college tuition.

- All right! - Fine.

Let me ask you this.

Mrs. Johnson suspects that Troy

might have been selling drugs to some of the kids at school.

- Yeah? - How do you feel about that?

I feel then it must have been unfulfilling for him.

That's very interesting.

Why do you say that?

Because he killed himself.

Dean, a young life was taken,

and from the moment it happened,

you ignored it like it was nothing.

You didn't even tell any of the adults there at the party.

- Can you explain that? - I didn't think you would...

- What? - ...care!

This is called Viloprex.

Now, don't fight me on this, I prescribe this to lots of kids.

You want me to take that?

It's just something to give you a little...

...balance.

- OK, let me have it. - Oh.

OK. Wonderful.

* A friend in need's a friend indeed *

* A friend with weed is better *

* A friend with breasts and all the rest *

* A friend who's dressed in leather *

* A friend in need's a friend indeed *

* A friend who'll tease is better *

* Our thoughts compressed which makes us blessed *

* And makes for stormy weather *

Lee, can I get some by the end of the day?

Yeah, I'll see what I can do.

- My dad's coming to visit this weekend. - I understand.

Our supply is a little low right now.

Prozac, Haldol, it doesn't matter.

Anything to get me through till Monday.

- I'm almost out of Ritalin. - Ritalin.

I gotta check. I don't know if we have it.

I still got a few left.

He's here all weekend.

I'll see what I can do, man.

Got any Vicodin?

Hey! Psycho!

What happened to your boyfriend?

Come on, he's all tied up and waiting for you, Dean.

Don't ignore me, Dean.

Don't ignore me!

Don't ignore me.

Here it is, Mrs. Bratley,

with all the changes, exactly as you ordered.

I lowered the neckline just a touch.

The crystal beading, which is a special-order item,

but we have to talk about that later.

The buttons, which are covered...

Oh, well, it's wonderful.

It's absolutely wonderful.

Oh.

Michael.

Michael.

Oh... yes.

I can see the changes this time.

It's just really... It's amazing.

Thank you, Mr. Mayor.

We had to put a lot of projects

on hold, but that's OK.

Because it's really just...

Michael, you didn't even look.

Anyway, the fit will be exactly the same.

So, if you like, I can ring it up for you now.

Um, can I see the veil and the dress together?

Can I do that? Can I see the two of them together?

Well, I don't know that we can do any more alterations before Sunday.

Well, I just want to see the two of them together.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable.

Of course.

You all right?

I mean, after what Billy did this morning?

It's fine. I don't care.

- I'm Crystal. - I know.

Everyone knows who you are.

You don't like to talk much, do you?

Or is it just that you don't like talking to me?

What do you want?

I just want to say I'm sorry, that's all.

Oh, are you a part of that?

No, but they're my friends.

- The guys that did it. - Oh. Nice friends you have.

Well, better to have no friends at all?

Honestly? Yeah. Yeah, it is. Yeah.

You know, that's why you get so much shit, right?

The way you act like you're smarter than everyone.

Well, I don't torment people I don't know.

- I thought you said you didn't care. - I'm talking about Troy.

Since you can't apologize to him for this morning,

I guess apologizing to me is enough to make yourself feel better, is that right?

You know what? I was really wrong.

You're definitely not smarter than us.

And why is that?

Because Troy was my friend.

How'd you know Troy?

Are you apologizing to me now?

No.

You really don't care what people think, do you?

No.

- That's a nice trick. - Thanks.

Uh, I studied in the far East.

Maybe you could show me how it's done.

Step one: years of ridicule.