Curb Your Enthusiasm

Hey, I really shouldn't pay you, honestly.

Why should I pay? You talked during the putt.

-I could've made that-- -I was talking pre-putt, and you decided--

-No, it wasn't pre-putt. -Yes, it was. It was pre-putt.

-Do you think that was pre-putt? -It was definitely pre-putt.

Jeff, did he talk during my putt?

I'm not saying anything.

-Oh! -That's everything! He just said everything!

-Jeff, you know what Dante said. What?

"The hottest places in hell are reserved for those

who in time of crisis retain their neutrality."

-I don't wanna say anything. -You're goin' straight to hell.

-You're like a desperate guy, just grasping at, like... Desperate guy?

-You talked during the putt. -...quotes? Quotes from Dante over the putt?

-Freddy! What's up, kid? -My man! Hey, buddy!

How you doing, Larry? -Hey, Hal! Hey, Hal.

-You look good, buddy. Thank you.

What the fuck did I do?

That was a snub. That was a total--

No, no, no. It wasn't like he didn't even look at me.

-He looked right at me. -That was intentional.

That was a total snub. -Yeah. I was uncomfortable.

-What the hell happened with you two? -I set him up on a date

with a friend of mine, producer named Gabby McAfee,

and, uh, he hasn't spoken to me since.

-What? Yeah.

I have no i-- I have no idea why.

Did you try and contact him?

Yeah. I texted him, called him, I walked up to him.

-Well how'd that-- What'd he do? -Ignored me.

-Wow! I don't get it.

She's beautiful, she is smart,

she is kind, she's great.

How come you didn't fix me up with her if she's so great?

I don't know.

-What's her name? Gabby McAfee? Gabby McAfee.

Probably shouldn't even say it,

but it's probably common knowledge.

You've heard the thing about Hal, right?

-Oh, yeah. yeah. Yeah. I think the whole club knows.

I have no idea.

He slept with his mother-in-law.

-Hal slept with his mother-in-law? -Yeah.

-Shut the fuck up. No way! -Yeah.

-Liars! -Okay. What did you hear?

I-- I only heard that he fucked his mother-in-law.

Tell me more. What did you hear?

-That's all I got. -What more do you need to hear?

-And that led to his divorce. Oh, wow.

-That's what I heard. Yeah.

But was it ongoing or one time?

I think it was a couple times. Yeah.

-That's what I heard. Yeah. Oh.

Wow. Gabby McAfee. She's something.

-Yeah! -Uh-huh!

She's a beautiful girl.

You'll set me up?

-All right, I'm gonna ask you one quick question. -Sure.

Did you fuck your mother-in-law at any point?

'Cause I ain't setting you up if you did.

-Well... -Okay. Yeah, I'll call her.

-No problem. -And you know what else?

Maybe I could do a little, uh,

-investigation. -As to, uh--

As to what happened on that date

that he would never speak to you again.

-All right. Thank you. -That looks good.

Look at you. Still with the fries.

I love them. You want one? Don't even ask. Jump in.

-Should I try one? -(CUTLERY CLATTERS)

(GROANS) You all right? Dad?

(GROANS) -Oh, my God!

I think he's having a heart attack.

-(CLAMOR) -Call 911! Call 911!

(GROANS) -Oh, my. That's Saul Berman.

Dad, come down to the floor. Easy, easy, easy.

Is there a doctor in here?

You're all right. Just lay down.

-It looks serious. Hold my hand.

-Hold my hand. -It does.

I got you. I got you.

Okay, Dad. Just breathe, just breathe, just breathe.

I got you. Hold my hand. Squeeze my hand. Here you go.

Okay. Good, good. All right. Got you. Can you talk?

-Okay. Okay, okay. okay.

Want some water? Huh? No? We got a doctor coming.

Just squeeze it! Squeeze as hard as hard as you can! Okay--

-All right. (GROANS)

(GROANS)

That wraps it up here.

Final score: Knicks 101, Sixers 97.

Tom, what-- what was the problem with the Sixers tonight?

-(PHONE RINGS) Hello?

Hey, Freddy. It's me.

How are you? -I'm on my way to Katsuya

to meet Gabby McAfee.

Oh, nice. You're chopping it up with Gabby. I like it.

I just looked in the mirror, and a button fell off my shirt.

I've got tons of T-shirt exposed.

You can't have more than three-quarters of an inch of T-shirt showing.

Oh, that's terrible.

Would it be okay if I came over and borrowed a shirt?

I'm right near your house.

Okay. You wanna come get a shirt?

-Come get a shirt. -Okay, great.

Tonight, we're gonna get something great for you.

Are you sure you don't wanna go T-shirt?

Because I think it could look good.

-T-shirt, really? -Very sinewy!

-You look fantastic! Sinewy?

Look at that word you just threw out.

You know, people...

-people underestimate you. They do?

You're actually a little brighter than-- than you come off.

I'd bet you're sitting on some pretty big words too,

when you need 'em. Now, let's take a look.

I wanna try for the same palette.

Yeah, I get it.

Just wanna be comfortable.

Oh, God!

Oh, Jesus. I just burned the shit out of my hand.

What? Oh, jeez.

Because I just found something pretty hot.

(LAUGHING)

Oh, my hand! It's what? (GASPS)

You tell me, LD! You tell me, LD!

Oh. Oh, yeah.

-Really nice item. -Very nice item.

Well, you're gonna enjoy it. I think she's gonna enjoy it too.

All right, this is great. I'll take it.

Yeah, I think this will be great.

Thank you. Thank you, sir.

-Yes. May I help you? -How do you do?

-Yes. -Larry David, table for two.

Oh, you're the first one here! Uh-- Shall I take your umbrella?

I thought it was gonna rain. What happened?

-Huh? -I don't know.

-They said rain. -Okay.

-I'm not crazy. -Thank you. Thank you.

-Yes, yes. Uh-- Table? -Sure.

Ohitorisama goraiten desu!

Irasshaimase!

Oh! Well.

Thank you, thank you. I love that greeting.

Please. This is your table, sir.

-And your menu. -(EXHALES SHARPLY)

And somebody will be right with you, sir.

-Thank you. -Thank you.

-There he is. May I help you?

Hi. Yeah, I'm just meeting Mr. David.

-Oh, okay. Right this way. -Yeah.

-(SHOUTS) Irasshaimase! Ira--

Whoa! Hello! Hello!

I'm Gabby, obviously. I love it!

-Huh? Do you love that greeting? -I love it!

Is that the best greeting you've ever had?

Absolutely!

-And do you speak Japanese? -(INAUDIBLE)

Oh, yeah. I speak six languages, including Guamish.

-That's what they speak in Guam. -Island of Guam.

-Yeah, on the island of Guam. -Chefs say "irasshaimase."

Could you please not say "irasshaimase"?

Thank you. -What? That's-- What?

Sushi chefs say "irasshaimase." Guests don't say "irasshaimase."

-Sorry. -Thank you for understanding,

and enjoy your dinner. Thank you.

Wow. -The chef is upset

-that I said "irasshaimase"? -I have been here 100 times.

I've never been reprimanded by the host.

Is this the first time you've been reprimanded by a host?

-Alas, no. No?

You know, maybe just tonight, first date,

we-- we're on our best behavior.

-Maybe? -(LAUGHS) I'll try.

(LAUGHS)

-Look at-- Delicious! -I know.

This is my favorite place. Thank you so much.

Larry, I wasn't even gonna come on this date.

I mean, honestly, I've had such bad luck since my divorce.

But Jeff told me...

"Worst thing that happens, it doesn't work out,

he's a great person to break up with."

-Oh, yeah. I'm great. -Oof! Really?

Oh, yeah. Like, if we go out,

like, for six months or eight months or whatever,

all you gotta do is say, "Hey, I don't wanna see you anymore." And I go, "Ah! Okay."

No drama?

-Zero. -That's a good quality.

I walk away, and I never give you--

-Not another thought. -I don't give you another thought.

-Wow! -Yeah.

That's... That's almost, um...

like a sociopath, but...

(LAUGHS) -...borderline.

You know what? That's one of the nicest things

anyone's ever said to me.

Well, do you have any other good qualities?

Yes, I do.

Okay.

So discreet.