Venus & Vegas

Dude, what's up with your grandma?

She's all good. Yeah, she is.

I just had dinner with her.

You know, I remember the first time

I dreamt about your grandmother.

Honestly, I can't deal with that tonight.

Do you ever look at your grandma

and be like, "Damn, I got a hot grandma"?

Why do you like my grandma so much?

Your grandma is hot.

Dude, you're a sick bastard.

Well, that's the first time I ever seen a Botoxed ass.

There's not a wrinkle in your grandmother's ass.

Why is it always about my grandma?

Well, your grandma's ass is tight, all right? It's tight.

That's why I'll be bangin' your grandma to Color Me Badd.

* Ooh... *

Why you gotta say that shit? Why you gotta...

Let me ask you a question, though.

What's up with this car, though?

What's up with the Silly Putty and the rice cakes,

and how come I got a chew toy up my ass?

Why do you have a chew toy up your ass?

I don't know. Why don't you...

Tell me, why are we sitting here?

Why am I sitting on crackers right now?

There's crackers all up in this car.

Why you gotta say "crackers" all the time?

I'm not talking about you when I say "cracker." Oh. Oh.

You know she went to Mexico with him?

Did she tell you that?

That Astrid friend of hers did.

See, that's who you should be banging.

Mmm-hmm.

You think she's sleeping with him?

No!

Oh, come on, man!

You don't take a girl to Mexico

unless you plan on filling that taco with some beef.

Dude, there's no way he's doing all that spending if he's hitting it steady.

Trust me, he's still courting. Wait, wait, wait.

Mexico?

New ride?

You find a good parking spot,

you gotta keep feeding that meter,

you know what I mean?

Oh, scanner's clear, boys.

Everybody check your guns. Check.

'Cause my grandma did the laundry.

What is the problem?

What, this isn't scary? What?

You gotta be kidding me. What?

You gotta be kidding me.

Try and tell me it's not scary.

Just 'cause yours is black, man.

Why does it always gotta be about color?

Oh!

Hey, uh, that a deviated septum?

What the... What? Wait.

You can get that fixed, you know.

Is this some kind of sick joke?

You ever hear the one about Little Johnny and his left nut?

That's a sick joke.

What do you guys want?

I think you know.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Oh...

Hey. Hey, hey, hey!

Oh, God, I just got a whole lot of ass and sack.

Yeah. Alex, honey.

I told you not to leave the front door unlocked.

Grandma, now's not really a good time. Now, sweetheart,

don't forget tomorrow. We have to be at the track by noon.

We're all betting on your horse.

All right. I love you. Bye.

Wait, wait, it's dark, it's dark.

Wait, like, like.

All right. All right, all right, all right. Let's go.

Oh, God.

So, what do you got here? What, like, 3,800, 4,000 square feet?

Thirty... 3,950. Why?

Nothin'. I'm into real estate.

Open the safe!

What are you doing? Whoa!

What are you doing? Shoosh!

Don't you tell me to shoosh.

I will shoosh you. I will shoosh you.

He will shoosh you. I need my glasses.

Just get your glasses. Okay.

It's all yours. Just take the... Hey!

Don't, don't shoot me. Please, don't hurt me.

My daughter. She's here for the weekend. And...

You should be a little bit more careful with who you do business with.

With whom. What?

With whom.

What?

Dude, are you serious?

Prepositions. Dangling.

What, you wanna talk about punctuation now?

At least I'm not appraising his house.

Oh, God, Mr. Preposition.

You know, you really should be careful

with whom you do business with.

Okay. Okay.

Don't.

Go get the yay-yo.

Go get it.

Hmm.

Uh, Stu?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

When were you gonna tell us about this guy, huh?

Bruce, Bruce, Bruce! Down. The gun, the gun down. Down.

Look what I found, boys.

Bruce?

See, I told you this shit was scary.

Hey, hey. No need to gag 'em.

Who they gonna call?

Hey, fellas?

Nothing came up on the scanners?

No, nothin'.

Soiree, my ass. Bitches, let's waytch!

Well, hello, Officer.

Getting a good look at us with that big flashlight?

It is big, isn't it? Hmm.

This party blows. Let's go to Micky's.

Well, do something.

Oh, my God! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Use your teeth. Use your... Ay!

Oh, you're pulling my hair, my hair, my hair.

Oh, ow. No, that's my skin!

That's... Ow!

You were scared, right? You were a little scared? Oh, I was shittin'.

That guy put the gun right to my...

See how brave I was?

You saw how brave I was.

I impressed you, right? Sho' 'nuff.

Oh, my God! What...

So how'd we do?

How'd we do? How much we get, man?

I say we got about 15K each, guys.

Do you know how much soap you can buy

with 15 G's, Eric? Huh?

Lots of soap!

My car wash is starting to feel like a mirage, man.

Dude, lay each brick with purpose and soon you have a castle.

That is from the Zen master.

You know what I'm talking about.

Hmm. I said mad money, money, check money...

You know? That guy looked me dead in the eye.

Because you have gorgeous eyes.

Yes. Yes!

Yes!

You are never gonna be in that neighborhood again.

You will never see that guy again in your life.

Don't worry about it.

Oh, by the way. Alex. Uh-huh.

I have a little gift for you. Oh, is this for me?

It's for you. Oh, isn't that nice?

Hey, look, drop me off at the track, okay?

It's in 5:00 in the morning.

Well, I gotta see a man about a horse.

Hidden Asset. 35-to-1, huh?

Well, hello, gorgeous.

How are you doing today?

Huh?

Listen, I'm not one much for small talk,

so I'm gonna cut right to the chase.

Don't look at me like that.

You gotta be safe these days, Hidden Asset.

All kinds of diseases floating around.

You never know.

And I respect you. That's why I'm being safe.

Here we go.

(WHINNYING NERVOUSLY)

K-Y. Makes it much easier on you.

Nice lubey-dube-dub.

All right, sweetheart.

This is gonna be real quick, and real painless.

Now, take a deep breath and count to three.

Three!

You sexy bitch.

Never get you alone.

Thank you very much.

I want you to check this out.

Badowshky. Oh, that's it.

That's the good stuff, right there.

There's four units. It'd be all good.

And how are you doing today?

I am quite fine. How are you doing today?

Oh, good. Yes, you are.

Actually, I'm thinking about my boy.

Eric? Yeah.

What about him? I'm glad I'm not him.

You know what I think?

I think Eric is getting what he deserves.

Because you can't expect Tara

to just come running back to him.

Why? Because now all of a sudden he wants to commit?