Dead Shack

Oh no... Why am I so high ?

No, no !

What the fuck ?!

DEAD SHACK

Want me to send you a fucking list of people he can hang out with, Shane ?

I'm sure he doesn't approve of all the time you spend with Mary.

Now we're going there ? I thought we talked about this.

Now we wanna talk about fucking Mary.

How many fucking times do you wanna talk about fucking Mary ?

That was bullshit, you know that !

On our way

That was a dick, btw

Yo, Jay ! Jason, yo. You got my text, right ?

- It was a dick. - Yeah, I got it.

Get in.

- What's up, big Jay ? - Hey, Mr. Slade.

- Hi, Miss Lisa. - Hey.

Hey, Summer !

Why do you always wait outside when we come and pick you up ?

You never let me in your house. Are you embarrassed of me ?

- Like, what if I have to pee, man ? - No, man.

My house is a trashy piece of ding dong.

No, my house is a way trashier piece of ding dong.

- There's no way, man. - 'Cause we're way poorer than you...

Hey, Colin, come on. We're not that poor.

And stop saying "ding dong". You sound super lame.

Hey, there we go.

Jesus Christ, Roger ! Don't text and drive, dad !

I'm not texting, okay ? I'm checking my emails.

Alright, guys. Let's go eat. Summer, wake up your brother.

- Oh, no. - Oh, come on, honey.

The Hilltop Diner I'm sure is good enough for your distinguished palate.

Yeah, Lisa, I hear that they serve their chicken nuggets with caviar.

- Nuggets ! - I'm not hungry.

- Sure you don't want somethin' ? - Yeah, a top off.

- Nobody likes a morning drunk, Lisa. - Nobody likes a smart-ass, Summer.

- I like morning drunk Lisa. - I'm on vaycay mode.

Great catch, dad. I hate you.

Be quick.

Yeah. I'm gonna post that.

- What'd you say ? - I said "great catch".

And "I hate you".

Check out all the missing bros. I mean, ugh.

One dude called himself "Gator". What a dick !

Come on, Colin. Don't be an asshole. Those guys are missing.

Dad, did you crack a window open for Lisa ?

Don't disrespect your maybe future stepmom, please.

- Seriously dad, don't settle. - What ? She's nice.

Yeah, but so was Dolores and Denise...

- And Shannon and Lily. - Yes, and Michelle, too.

- Michelle. She was hot. - She was super hot.

I blew that one.

- And what can I get ya ? - Oh, hi.

We will start off with... maybe some bigger menus.

- Okay. - Can I get some coffee ?

Don't listen to him.

He's making me sound like I'm an irresponsible parent.

We'll just get four beers, please.

Nope, still nothing.

I'll get the Trucker's Breakfast please and thank you.

Salad, please.

Can I get toast and jam, please ?

Can I just get some eggs and shit ?

Colin, come on.

Can I have some eggs and shit, please ?

- Eggs and shit coming right up. - Thank you.

Shouldn't take too long.

You wanna take those ? No ? Ok, we'll just leave them.

So, guys, who's excited, huh ? Camping trip ?

- I'm excited. - Going to a cabin.

We'll act like rednecks, or people who don't trust the government.

- You already don't. - I know I don't, yeah.

So, Jay ? Not excited ?

Your dad doesn't take you camping or something ?

No, my dad's not really the camping type, Mr. Slade.

Yeah, 'cause your dad's more of the dick-sucking type, right ?

- Stop ! - Colin, too much.

No, that's what Jason says and Jay knows I'm messin' with him.

That's how we roll.

You act like a little douche and then Jason politely takes it ?

Hey, I don't just take it.

- You kinda do, Jay. - Yeah, you kinda do, Jay, honestly.

You need to toughen up a little bit, you know ?

Start with a power five, you know ? See, a power five.

Like this, come on. Power five ! Like that. We'll work on it.

We'll work on it this weekend.

Or you could just be super butchy like Summer.

- Hey, shut up, pube-head. - Stop it.

- Stop what ? - Stop wasting food, Colin.

Ketchup is not food, Ronald Reagan.

Ok, stop it now...

Guys, come on !

- Shit, Colin ! - Colin, enough. Seriously.

Summer, language. Jason, bathroom.

I'm sorry about that, Jay. That was super trashy of me.

What ? It was funny.

- What ? - Okay, alright.

Okay, just leave the condiments alone. Please !

I swear both of you are adopted, you know that ?

That's some funny shit, dude.

Seriously, you should come by my dad's cottage.

- I'm gonna start my own business. - Blue chips, paint chips, stocks.

- We like to go to the casino... - Paint chip stocks ?

Seriously, you should come to my dad's cottage, it is so chill.

- Hot tub. - So. Chill.

- Excuse me, I need to get through... - Hey, broskis !

Can you let the kid through, please ?

Dude. I think that kid just got his first period.

What a fine young woman you've become.

Sweetie, don't let the big bad bros scare ya.

They might look pretty but they ain't that smart.

I like you guys better drunk and quiet.

The more you drink the less you talk and the more I like you.

Hear that, bro ? She thinks we're pretty.

Why don't you go get the rest of that taken care of, sweetie ?

Alright, thanks.

Yeah, let's get lit !

Don't forget to thank the nice lady, Jason.

Don't forget to ask your friend for a tampon, Jason.

I had coffee.

I saved you some sausages.

You like sausages, don't you, Lisa ?

- Colin. - Yeah.

Of course she likes sausages.

We're talking about penises.

Couldn't find somewhere further, could you ?

- Seriously, Roger. - Yeah, seriously, dad.

It's the cheapest place that I could find on Craigslist, alright ?

You think that I can afford a place that is not

in the middle of nowhere or potentially dangerous ?

Hey, you picked him. He's my dad so I have to like him.

You guys are bonding.

That makes me feel all warm inside.

Don't settle, Lisa.

It's nice being out of the city, eh, Summer ?

Touching nature.

Being able to be in touch with nature.

Yeah, Jay. You can touch nature all you want, there, buddy.

No, I just meant it's nice to spend time and...

- Can I grab your bag for you ? - Knock yourself out, boy scout.

This place looks like a murder cabin.

Jay, you should keep my sister close so she can protect you.

You know, it doesn't say it in the instructions

but I mean there's gotta be a hidden key around here somewhere, right ?

High-tech security. Safe.

Shotgun the best room !

You can't shotgun what you can't see, dumb-ass.

Watch the booze, Rog. I am not spending a week in here sober.

Women. Am I right, big guy ?

Let me help you with that.

- This is nice. - Dad, this place sucks.

What're you talking about ? It's cozy in here.

- Where's Lisa ? - Lisa's gone.

What do you mean, she's gone ?

You're joking !

- Funny ! - Just up there, Jason.

- Thanks for dropping my bags off. - Oh, yeah, no, that was...

That was no problem, Summer. I was just happy I could help.

You know, I've seen the way you look at me.

You're like 14 or something ?

Adorable. But weird.

- Adorable is good, right ? - Nah.

You blew it, man.

I shotgun this bed, by the way.

If you forgot the white tequila, Roger, I swear to God...

Come on, my little fortune cookie, I'd never forget the white gold.

- Dad, sweet racism. - What ?

Was I racist ?

I'm gonna explore. You two coming ?

Spend more time with my lame sister ?

- Yeah, sure, we'll go. - Okay. Dad, Lisa, we're leaving !

- Okay, later. -Babe, pay attention to me !

You must be a really good pitcher, Summer.

I play first base.

So, your parents like to party, huh ?

Lisa's not my mom. But yeah, they do. Yours ?

Yeah, no, they party all the time. They're, like, super trashy.

Okay, dude, don't try to hit on my sister in front of me.

I wasn't hitting on your sister, man. She's not even really my type.

Really ? Why is that ?

Well, you walk weird, and...

your hair is too messy

and, you can be mean sometimes and...

- Well, your family is... - Messed up ?

- That's not what I meant... - To say ?

Look, I'm messing with you, Jason. You really gotta loosen up, man.

My family's messed up, too, you know.

Strike two, playa.

Check it out !

Maybe a deer died here or something.

Yeah, it's pretty sweet.

This would be good for LARP Camp next week.

Yeah, about that live action role play thing next week...

I mean, it's really more of a seminar.

But I don't even know if I can go or whatever.

Oh, 'cause you wanna go on a date with my sister ?

Dude. No way, man.

I mean, she could come to LARP camp too,

but I mean, she would make a great demon cow.

- Whatever, man. - Ugliest, nastiest demon cow.