Modern Family

No mail. Again.

Hey, Portal, call Dad.

George, please!

Why are they still crying?

Do you think they know they're chubby?

It took us a while,

but we finally named our babies.

This is Poppy,

because that's my favorite flower.

And this is George,

because he came out looking curious.

You know, like Boy George.

Oh, hey, Portal, answer.

Hi, Alex!

How's my little ice queen?

Didn't love being called that in high school,

don't love it now.

Hey, honey. Um, people keep asking...

tell me again what you're doing?

Detecting the presence of neutrinos

beneath the South Pole.

Yeah, you... you can stop. I'm just gonna keep telling them

you're searching for the snow monster.

Seriously, Alex?

You can't come downstairs to talk to us?

I've been gone for a month.

Wait. So, that's my hair in the drain?

Honey, is everything okay?

You look a little sad.

Oh, no, no.

I was sad earlier, and my face froze that way.

But no regrets about turning down

that cushy tech job in L.A.

I mean, yeah, I miss Bill

and the safety of other women around,

but Grandpa was right.

This is the time of life to have an adventure.

Is this a bad time?

Oh, no. No, this is our new normal.

Yeah. We never sleep.

Well, I know all about sleep deprivation.

Uh-huh. The sun never sets here,

so I've been up for days. Yeah, that's fun.

Really nice, honey. I dream awake now.

Hang on a second. Haley.

Haley, I know that you are committed to breastfeeding

and the book,

but I think it's time that you considered formula.

It will help the babies sleep,

and the pediatrician said it is perfectly healthy.

I'm living proof. I was a formula baby...

had a full set of teeth at six months.Yeah.

But the book says...

Uch, the book.

What do you have against my book?

It is called "Your Parents Did Everything Wrong."

Dr. Goode is a celebrated pediatric life coach.

And can you tone down the negativity?

Chapter six says that it can cause an allergy to peanuts.

Uh-huh.

Oh, man, no kid should grow up without Snoopy.

Alex: Sounds like a crazy morning.

I miss those.

My research partner, Yngvar, doesn't speak English.

Yngvar: Is me who did that?

Hmm.

Except for what he learned from reruns of "Family Matters."

Phil: Guys!

So that can be a little annoying

having a research partner not speak your language,

but I could also try and learn his language,

which I have.

Wake them, and I kill you.

Phil: Uh-oh.

Ah... Ah...

Ah...

Ah...

Ruff! More Spanish.

R-R-R-Ruff!

If this is role-playing,

I'd like to play the part of disgusted son.

I'm making a promo video for my dog-bed company.

And Stella's the star, of course.

Today we're recording her voice.

And I am doing the Spanish version.

Who's directing it?

I don't know. Me, I guess.

Wow, that's a punch in the gut.

Why, Manny? Do you want to direct it?

Why not?

Some of our best artists started out making commercials.

Am I better than Spike Jonze or Guillermo del Toro?

Nope.

Listen, normally I would just

cook up some fake reason why you couldn't direct it,

but in this case, I have a real excuse.

Your old girlfriend, Sherry,

is the voice of Stella.

Jay, how could you?

After she broke his heart when she got repulsed

by the idea of getting married to him?

More overwhelmed than repulsed,

as I remember it.

She's already on our website

as Stella's voice.

Changing that now

could be jarring for our fans.

Like when they made

my GPS lady British.

I'd rather be lost

than talked down to by a snob!

Please, Jay.

I need to prove to myself that I'm over her,

that I can rise above it and be professional.

Fine, but if your emotions

get in the way of this production,

you will never work in dog-bed commercials again.

Don't worry.

My only passion

is helping you realize your creative vision.

By day's end, Sherry will be mine.

Oh, no, which icon's birthday

are we celebrating today?

Uh, Lauren Bacall's.

We're dropping tulips by her grave later,

but that's not what this is.

No, I'm having some at-risk students over.

Why, you ask? I'm good.

Well, 'cause I want to bond with these kids.

I want them to know that even though

the rest of the world's given up on them,

I haven't.

I don't want to just be their Vice Principal.

I want to be their nice principal.

I can't believe you let this happen. I didn't know there'd be wordplay.

Cam asked me to speak to his students as an Assistant DA,

give them the perspective of law enforcement.

Truth is, I have been looking for an opportunity

to show off my new badge.

Even the most hardened criminals

shudder when they get a gander at... Ohh!

Please don't be scratched!

I don't care what these kids did.

This is cruel. I know.

A vice principal that plays rock 'n' roll.

Am I a little different? Yes, I am.

I'm not like the other adults in your life

that are just waiting for you to mess up

so they can point the finger at you.

I don't want to finger a bunch of kids.

That's not how I get my jollies.

Cam. Cam.

I know what it's like.

I had issues in school,

and I was fingered left and right.

And let me tell you, it did not feel good.

Oh, Mitchell, should we be recording this?

Oh, yes, no one's gonna believe me.

How long is this gonna take, Mr. Tucker?

Oh, now, Mr. Tucker's the cool vice principal at school.

Here at my house.

call me Cam.

Okay?

And this is Mitchell.

He's an Assistant District Attorney,

and he is our guest speaker.

He's so white he's see-through.

Thank you.

We live in a society bound by laws.

Okay?

They're all that stand between order and chaos.

And those who violate those laws

wind up staring at the business end of...

Cam: It's gone!

What, the spotlight on you?

No, my porcelain clown figurine.

It's supposed to be on this table.

It's always on this table.

One of you stole it!

And on Lauren Bacall's birthday?

Cam. Cam. R-Relax.

Uh, isn't the whole point of today not to prejudge them?

Oh, please, Mitchell. They're trash.

I know it. They know it.

Everybody knows it.

Please don't sing that song.

Sorry, it's better than "Pop Goes the Appraisal."

Aw. Shh. Mom, what are you doing?

Stop it. The book says you're not supposed to

make eye contact during nap time.

They're babies, not Johnny Depp on a film set.