The Conners

Ugh.

Darlene: Oh, now look what you did.

You got vegetables on Dad's plate.

What's he gonna do with those?

Alright. Let's fix this elbow-bumping problem.

I need all the lefties to sit next to each other

on this side of the table, all righties on this side.

We need a righty to switch to a lefty.

Mary, start using your other hand.

Why me?

Because the rest of us are too old to change.

I'm not that young.

I bet none of you even know how old I am.

Sure we do, sweetie. You're 10.

No. 11.

9. 47.

You're all wrong. She's 12.

Anybody thinking what I'm thinking?

She should be working, right?

Well, give her a minute. She's a Conner.

She's not gonna get to retire,

so she should enjoy her golden years now.

Oh! This is ridiculous anyways.

Why are we all eating at the same time

like it's rush hour on a Japanese commuter train?

Because right now, a lot of us

are feeling like we need to be together more.

Well, I know Mary needed that, and thanks, everybody,

for helping her deal with everything

while I was out of town.

That's what family's for.

Hey, Dad, did Chuck ever get back to you

about his friend that was gonna put his house on the market?

I'm down to looking at converted garages,

and it's cool that one whole wall

is a window if you open it,

but in the winter, I'm gonna have to hire a kid

to shovel my living room.

It's weird. I've called Chuck a couple of times

over the last few weeks, but he hasn't called me back.

- He and Anne- - Marie are probably on their boat

heading down the Mississippi to party in N'orleans.

I'm gonna do that, too, when I retire.

Except there's no boat, no party, and I'll be dead.

Maybe we should go over there.

I don't want to go over there unannounced.

Unannounced?

"Ladies and gentlemen, may I present

the Earl and Duchess of Whitetrash."

Fine. We'll just say we were in the neighborhood.

It won't be a lie.

I got four birthdays coming up at work

and I've been meaning to break into that Goodwill donation bin

next to the fancy dog hotel anyway.

Oh, uh, Beverly Rose needs some shoes.

Those are easy to fish out with a coat hanger,

but try to get two of the same size this time.

"The Earl and Duchess regret that they must take their leave

to attend the royal dumpster dive."

If you see a bra that's not too stretched out, grab it.

- Not it! - Not it!

Oh, damn!

I had a mouthful of mashed potatoes.

If you're looking for money,

we don't care about your band uniforms

and your chocolate bars suck!

Hi!

What are you doing here?

Great news. We don't have to worry about the school

finding out that we're dating anymore.

That is great.

Why not?

'Cause they found out.

What?

How? We were so careful.

Well, remember that text you sent me where you said,

"Every second I'm in your class, all I can think about

is watching you grade papers naked"?

Yeah. Why?

Well, you sent it to me and Wanda the TA.

No, I didn't. Yeah, you did.

You sent it to me and her on the thread

where we were talking about your overdue assignment,

which, ironically, was about self-sabotage.

Oh, my God. I feel terrible.

How do we fix this?

We can't.

See, Wanda already took it to the dean,

and everything's cool, though.

I told him it was all my fault,

and I handed in my resignation.

Oh, my God, Glen, I can't believe you did that.

Are you gonna be able to get another job?

No. That's the beauty of it.

This is my chance.

I can finally write my book,

and you and I don't have to hide our relationship anymore.

Oh, that is fantastic.

So you have some money saved up?

Oh, God, no.

I'm a community college teacher.

I made more money working at The Gap in high school.

I'm good for about three months.

Maybe four, if I eat once a day and live in a youth hostel.

We'll feed you at The Lunch Box.

Um, you must have a really good idea for the book.

Here's the best part.

I got nothing.

How is that the best part?

Then everything is a possibility.

Leap and the net will appear.

You know who says that?

Dead circus performers.

Captions by VITAC --

How did we get another sad,

middle-aged person in this house?

I thought we sprayed for that.

It's okay.

He's percolating ideas for his new book.

Tell him to go percolate in the kitchen.

He's cutting into my cartoon time with Beverly Rose.

Okay, honey,

it's time to brush your teeth

and get ready for preschool.

What's the point?

Where did you hear that?

Uncle Glen. He says it a lot.

So, it's been a couple days.

I don't want to interfere with your process,

but I'm excited to hear what you got.

I hit a wall.

Well, you can't hit a wall.

You're in a new phase.

You said you always wanted to write a book.

You must've had some ideas at some point.

I've never had any ideas.

I just read a book and thought, "I could do this."

Well, of course you can do this.

You have a brilliant mind.

You just need some motivation.

Okay. Tomorrow, I wanna see three ideas for your new book,

with a paragraph for each

indicating what some of the chapters might be.

You're right.

Thank you.

I needed a kick in the ass.

I'm gonna have one more bowl of cereal,

and then I'll write the entire book today.

You know, sometimes, people set too high of a goal

so they have an excuse for their failure.

I have a much better excuse for my failure.

Nope. I got nothing.

But I'm gonna come up with three great ideas for that, too.

I am on fire!

Maybe we shouldn't do this.

Maybe he's got another friend he's doing fun stuff with.

What are you? 8?

Hey, Darlene. Dan.

Hey, hey. How's it going, stranger?

I've been trying to get ahold of you for the last few weeks.

Uh, I-I-I've just been busy. That's all.

Uh, you know, listen,

I'm kind of in the middle of something.

It'd be great if you could come back.

Uh, hey, uh,

do you mind if I come in and use your bathroom?

I-I'll be real quick.

Wow!

What hit this place?

Now that you're home all the time,

- I guess Anne- - Marie finally got wise

and realized she could do better than you and left you.

Oh, my God, I was just joking.

She didn't leave you, did she?

No.

No, um...

she's been in the hospital for a few weeks.

A few weeks?

What's going on?

She's, uh -- She's had a couple s-strokes.

Oh, man, I'm so sorry.

Why the hell didn't you call me?

Because you're not a doctor,

and you got problems of your own,

and, you know, I've been so busy going to see her,

I haven't had a chance to clean up around here.

I don't know what to say.

- Anne- - Marie's tough. I'm sure she's gonna be okay.

Yeah, and -- and while we're here,

at least let us help you.

We'll get rid of some of this trash.

Normally, I would throw away this coupon for carpet cleaning,

but I'm thinking we hang onto it.

There might be a carpet underneath all this.

Uh, you know what? Leave it.

I'll -- I'll -- I'll get it.

Oh, it's not problem.

J-Just stop!

Look...

thanks, but, um, I don't need any help.