It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Man Seeking Woman. All new, Wednesdays at 10:30.

On FXX.

FXX presents It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

You really think Jack can handle this case?

Yeah, he's a lawyer.

Besides, Bill, you're broke.

He's the best lawyer you can afford.

Yeah, Bill, you got to relax, okay? Uncle Jack

and I... we got this case. Now-now, listen to me.

Liam McPoyle's gonna come at you hard, all right?

But-but I've done my research. I got something with this

bird theory that's gonna blow the court away. I-I...

I don't... I don't think we should pursue

this bird nonsense, Charlie. Yes.

I-I'm well-versed in bird law. Look,

Pondy, keep your eye on the prize.

This goes well, it's party time.

What is that?

Is that... is that drugs, Frank? Yeah.

No, dude, I need you keeping him clean,

all right? That's why you're here.

I got to have the drugs here

to keep him clean.

Well, that doesn't make sense.

I... Get rid of the drugs, Frank.

I-I don't want that. Hey, boys.

You ready for the big show? Yes, good, how you feeling?

You good, you do your homework, you know your talking points? Yeah.

Yeah, I'm good. Yeah, cool as a cucumber.

You can... you can get off my back. Well, don't sass me,

I just... It was just a general Well, then don't hound me.

Question, Dee. I'm just saying if you don't want sass,

then you should probably stop being a hound. All right, whatever.

Mac, why are you here?

This is your big day, dude. McPoyle suing Ponderosa?

It's huge, it's like the trial of the century.

Come on, man, everybody's got a thing. Don't leave me out.

Frank's got a thing, Dee's got a thing. Dennis has got a thing.

Dennis has a thing... What are you talking about?

Oh! D... What are you doing here?

There's got to be a way to get this court

to let me out of my alimony payments.

I mean, have you guys seen Maureen? The woman has gone

almost full cat. It's-it's madness.

I shouldn't have to pay for that,

so I'm gonna talk to the judge, get him to throw it

on the docket, you know what I mean?

No, absolutely not.

That's gonna distract from my case.

Buddy, you don't have a case, okay?

You are not a lawyer.

Uncle Jack's just got you here handling

his papers for him 'cause he can't do it

'cause he's wearing those goddamn...

big hands over his hands.

I don't know what that is. What is that? I don't know what it is.

All right, well, either way, this whole thing's gonna be

a goddamn fiasco, and I'm gonna enjoy every second of it.

No, it's gonna go fine. No, it isn't.

No, it's gonna be fine. This is hardly the trial

of the century. Everything's gonna go just great.

On a scale of one to ten, how much sass

are you gonna give me today? A-Are you serious?

And hello to... you all.

What's the Jew lawyer doing here?

Not Jewish, and even if I was,

what difference would it make?

I meant that as a compliment.

Everybody knows Jews are the best lawyers.

I can't wait to crush you people.

I'll be representing Liam McPoyle today.

Where is Liam? Well, he actually got pinkeye

in his one good eye.

Well, in truth, someone named Doc McPoyle

attempted to put some sort of healing milk in his pinkeye

and it got infected, but that doesn't matter.

The point is...

you'll be dealing with me today.

And you'll be dealing with me today.

Jack Kelly, lawyer.

Good to see you again.

Are those fake hands?

No. Are those fake hands?

You know what, good luck with all of that today.

Did you see his hands? They're beautiful.

I think we should settle. What... Jesus Christ.

I'm going to prison. It's gonna be fine.

67th District Court is now in session.

Judge Clarence Melvoy presiding.

Please remove your hats and turn off your cell phones.

Okay. We have McPoyle v. Ponderosa.

Seeking damages for the loss of an eye in the form

of a one-time payment to the sum of...

$200.

Are the plaintiffs present?

I will be representing

the plaintiffs, Your Honor.

The defendants? Uh, yes, Your Honor.

And I just, uh, wanted to say I'm very excited

to be here. I do estate law,

and this is my first actual trial.

Uh, Your Honor, and if I may, uh, Charlie Kelly, cocounsel.

Uh, background in bird law, uh...

Nephew. Yeah. But excited to be, uh, in the people's court

a-and a big fan of black judges,

too. Stop touching me.

Okay. Look.

All I need are the facts to this case.

I have a very long day ahead of me,

so I'm gonna need to keep this thing moving.

Are you gonna bang the, uh... Yeah, yeah.

The-the hammer? Do we...? Is there a...?

Here we go?

Hey. (chuckles) That's the...

Awesome. Yeah.

It's cool, right? Yeah, nice.

Your Honor,

Friday the 13th was a night of chaos.

Milk,

spiked with bath salts by this man,

Bill Ponderosa,

was served to the wedding guests.

Now, my client is odd.

You might even refer to his family as...

...very creepy.

But they are saints compared

to Bill Ponderosa

and the sordid lot of degenerates

he associates with.

Terrible people who ruin lives.

Ruined mine, cost my client his marriage,

ruined my first, now my second one is teetering.

You know what...

I'm gonna sit down.

I'm done.

They just do this to me, okay?

You get the point.

Uh, Your Honor, I'll-I'll, uh,

I'll keep it brief.

I just have three things to say.

Uh, one:

Liam McPoyle has a history of lying.

Two: My client is a loving

family man.

And three:

He is innocent.

Deandra Reynolds,

you were the one that told the police that Bill had

spiked the punch with bath salts. That's correct.

But you didn't actually see him do it, did you?

No, I did not. So is it possible that,

given the traumatic nature of the evening,

that you don't remember the evening

all that well? Yes, that's correct.

My car was destroyed and I was locked into a freezer.

My memory was clouded by rage,

and so I misremembered the incident.

An understandable mistake. Could happen to any one of us.

For example, you remember me, possibly,

as a man with small hands.

Yeah, you think...

What... you think, "He had small hands."

Do you remember that?

Yeah, sure, okay.

What you remember is false.

O-Okay. Yup.

Big, masculine.

My hands tell a story

of greatness.

And when you look at my right hand... I'm gonna st...

uh, uh, I'm gonna stop you

right now. Are you just gonna

talk about your hands for a while?

Uh, no, Your Honor.

No more questions for the witness.

Deandra,

here is the statement that you gave

to police.

"Bill did it. That goddamn drug addict

"is out of his mind. I'll testify to that.

"I swear on my mother's grave that Bill spiked

"that milk, no doubt about it.

He's guilty, guilty, guilty."

Uh...

Have you ever had sex

with Bill before?

Yeah.

Yes, sure. Because we-we were...

We had a... We were sort of...

We were lovers for a little...

One of his prostitutes, right.

Prostitutes?

Um, I have a receipt for a mink coat,

recently purchased by a Bill Ponderosa

to be delivered to a Dee Reynolds.

A gift?

Yes. I had a birthday.

Six months ago.

Uh... Are you aware

that the coat was purchased