Modern Family

Kids, breakfast!

Kids? Phil, would you get them?

Yeah. Just a sec.

Kids!

That is-Okay.

Kids? Get down here!

Why are you guys yelling at us when we're way upstairs?

Just text me. All right. That's not gonna happen.

And, wow! You're not wearing that outfit.

What's wrong with it? Honey, do you have anything to say to your daughter...

about her skirt? Sorry.

- Oh, yeah. That looks really cute, sweetheart. - Thanks.

No. It's way too short. People know you're a girl. You don't need to prove it to them.

Luke got his head stuck in the banister again.

I got it. Where's the baby oil?

It's on our bedside tab-I don't know. Find it.

Come on!

I was out of control growing up.

There, you know? I said it.

I-I just don't want my kids...

to make the same bad mistakes I made.

I-If Haley never wakes up on a beach in Florida, half-naked,

I've done my job.

Our job. Right.

I've done our job.

¡Vamos, Manny! Kick it! Kick it!

Don't let him-Kick it!

Manny, go! ¡A la derecha! ¡A la derecha!

No! No, no.

- He tripped him, Jay. Where's the penalty? -

Gloria, they're 0 and 6. Let's take it down a notch.

We're very different.

Jay's from the city.

He has a big business.

I come from a small village.

Very poor but very, very beautiful.

It's the number one village in all Colombia for all the-

What's the word?

Murders. Yes. The murders.

Manny, stop him!

Stop him! You can do it!

Damn it, Manny!

Come on, Coach. You gotta take that kid out.

You wanna take him out? How about I take you out?

- Honey, honey. - Why don't you worry about your son?

He spent the first half with his hand in his pants!

I've wanted to tell her off for the last six weeks.

I'm Josh. Ryan's dad.

Hi, I'm Gloria Pritchett. Manny's mother.

- Oh, and this must be your dad. - Her dad?

Yeah. No, no. That's funny.

Actually, no, I'm her husband.

Don't be fooled by the, uh-

Give me a second here.

Who is a good girl? Who's that?

Who's that?

- Oh, she's adorable. - Oh, thank you.

Hi, precious. Hello.

Hi. Hi.

Uh, we just, uh-We just adopted her from Vietnam.

And we're bringing her home for the first time, huh?

She's an angel. You and your wife must be thrilled.

Sorry, sorry, sorry. Daddy needed snacks.

Hi.

So, what are we talking about?

Uh, we have been together for-

guh, five-five years now?

And, uh, we just-we decided we really wanted to have a baby.

So, we had initially asked one of our lesbian friends to be a surrogate, but-

Then we figured, they're already mean enough.

Can you imagine one of 'em pregnant? Pregnant, no.

No, thank you. Ick.

You saw that, right? Everybody fawning over Lily,

and then you walk on and suddenly it's all,

"Ooh, SkyMall.

I gotta buy a motorized tie rack."

All right, you know, I'm gonna give the speech. You are not giving the speech.

You're gonna be stuck with these people for the next five hours.

You're right, you're right. Okay. I'm sorry.

- Look at that baby with those cream puffs. - Okay. Excuse me.

Excuse me.

This baby would have grown up in a crowded orphanage if it wasn't for us "cream puffs."

And you know what? Note to all of you who judge-Mitchell!

- Hear this. Love knows no race, creed- - Mitchell.

Or gender.

And shame on you, you small-minded, ignorant few-Mitchell.

Mitchell! What?

She's got the cream puffs.

Oh.

We would like to pay for everyone's headsets.

Buddy. Why do you keep getting stuck like this?

I thought I could get out this time.

I'm just gonna say it. He needs to be checked by a specialist.

Ow! There. Be free.

Excalibur.

I'm having a friend over today. Who?

Uh, you don't know him. Him? Him?

Ooh, a boy. You gonna kiss him?

- Shut up. - Easy. Easy.

Yeah, shut up! No, you shut up!

- Luke, Alex, why don't you take it outside, okay? - And do what?

Fight in the sun. It'll be a nice change. Haley.

I'm kidding. Who's the boy?

His name is Dylan.

I might as well tell him not to come...

because you guys are just going to embarrass me again.

Sweetie, hang on a second.

You're 15, and it's the first time you've had a boy over.

I'm bound to be a little surprised, but I'm not gonna embarrass you.

- I better charge the camcorder. -

I'm kidding. Come on. Who are you talking to?

I'm the cool dad. That's-That's my thing.

I'm hip. I-I surf the Web.

I text. "LOL"- Laugh out loud. "OMG"- Oh, my God.

"WTF" - Why the face?

Um, you know, I know all the dances to High School Musical, so-

Mom! Dad! What happened?

Luke just shot me! I didn't mean to.

Are you okay? No.

- The little bitch shot me. -

- Language! - They're only plastic BBs. It was an accident.

What did I tell you would happen if you got him a gun?

Deal with this. Buddy, uncool.

That's it? That's-No, no, no, no.

The agreement was that if he shoots someone, you shoot him.

We were serious about that? Yes, we were.

And now you have to follow through.

- I'm so sorry. - Liar.

Go. He's got a birthday party.

- What's more important here, Dad? - You can shoot him afterwards.

He'll be home at 2:00. I can't shoot him at 2:00. I'm showing a house at 2:00.

- What about 3:00? - No, he's got a soccer game at 3:00.

And then-Oh, we gotta leave for that dinner thing at 5:00.

4:15. You could shoot him at 4:15.

Yeah, I guess that works for me. Oh!

"Shoot Luke." Sorry, dude. It's on the calendar.

Oh, come on!

I'm quitting soccer. It is a game for children.

No, you're not quitting.

You would have stopped that goal if you weren't staring at that little girl.

She is not a girl. She's a woman.

You know, Gloria, that little blowup with that other mom-

Why do you have to do things like that?

If somebody says something about my family, I'm going to-I'm just saying.

You could take it down here a little bit. That's all.

Oh, yeah. 'Cause that's where you live, down here.

But I live up here! Yeah, but you don't have to be so emotional all the time.

That's all I'm saying. Manny, you're with me on this, right?

I wanna tell Brenda Feldman I love her. Oh, for God sakes.

Manny, she's 16. Oh. It's okay for you to take an older lover?

Hey, watch it. I wanna go to the mall where she works.

But first I need to get my white shirt, the silk one.

Okay. If that's what you really want to do. Seriously.

Not to be the evil stepdad, but if you put on a puffy white shirt...

and declare your love for a 16-year-old,

you're gonna be swinging from the flagpole in your puffy white underpants.

Stop the car. Oh, where are you going?

See? You hurt his feelings. Ah-Well, if it toughens him up a little bit then-

Oh, geez. He's picking flowers.

Manny's very passionate, just like his father.

My first husband-he's very handsome, but too crazy.

It seemed like all we did was fight and make love, fight and make love, fight and make love.

One time, I'm not kidding you, we fell out the window together.

Which-Which one were you doing?

I'm hearing this for the first time.

This doesn't worry you?

She barely slept on the plane and she's still wide awake.

- Oh, stop worrying. - I can't.

That-That orphanage was all women.

Maybe she just-she can't fall asleep unless she feels a woman's shape.

I guess that's possible. So here.

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Yes, I've gained a few extra pounds while we were expecting the baby,

which has been very difficult.

But apparently your body does a nesting, very maternal, primal thing...

where it retains nutrients-some sort of molecular physiology thing.

But that's science.

You can't-You can't fight it, so-

- I'm not saying anything. - You're saying everything.

Count to three. One, two-

Three. Okay.

Oh, Cam. This is beautiful. Oh, my God. Do you love it?

Yes, I-

What the hell is that?

I had Andre do it while we were gone. Is that us, with wings?

We're floating above her, always there to protect her.

Okay. Well, that's reassuring, right, Lily?

Yes, we tore you away from everything you know, but don't worry, things are normal here.

Your fathers are floating fairies. No, can you call Andre,

have him paint something a little less gay?

By the way, we need to stop having friends with names like Andre.

Redheaded dad is angry daddy. No, I'm not.

Yes, you are. Even Pepper pointed it out on the way home from the airport.

Okay, that's another one-Pepper.

Okay, what's up?

All right, look. I-

I- I never told my family we were adopting a baby.

And-I know.

You do? Yeah, and I don't blame you. I know your family.

You'd tell 'em. They'd say something judgmental.