Blow Dry

Here, at the London Plaza Theater,

we are privileged to be watching...

a very special demonstration cut today, ladies and gentlemen.

Raymond Robertson.

Last year's winner of the British Hairdressing Championships.

And the year before that, and since I'm counting,

Perm of the Year Award 1978 and '79.

Redken Salon of the Century runner-up, 1995.

International Team Member, Helsinki Women's Blow Dry, 1998.

Raymond Robertson.

Gentlemen, ladies.

I have an announcement to make...

that will change the face of this town forever.

Something of a coup.

That's with a "P", Stanley, if I say so myself.

Let's hear it for London's own, Ray Robertson !

Bravo ! Ladies and gentlemen,

today, as the president...

of the British Hair Federation,

Well done. I am proud to announce...

the lucky town which will play host...

to this year's championship...

is...

Keighley !

As Lord Mayor of the town of Keighley,

I am proud to announce that from a long list of competitors,

our hometown has been chosen to host--

wait for it--

this year's British Hairdressing Championships.

Come again ?

This year's British Hairdressing Championships.

I'm sorry. It does that sometimes.

Well, is that it then ? Hairdressing ? Hold the back page, lads.

- Now, lads. - That's just crap.

Come on, boys. This competition's gonna change the face of this town.

Ungrateful bastards. You'll be sorry.

Tony, can anyone enter ?

No. Professionals only.

I am a professional.

Time to wake up, love.

How many times ? Bloody dirty boots downstairs.

[ Alarm Clock Continues Beeping ]

Tea. In the pot.

Shelley !

Good luck, love.

No, not a chance, Tony. Come on, Phil, lad.

Chance to add to the silverware. No.

You're joking me.

You're not gonna enter ? King of the bloody scissors.

Mr. Numero Uno.

Keep still, will ya ? I'll have your ear off.

And you needn't look so bloody interested.

Well, I can't help hearing, can I ?

It's team cutting, you know. Think of it, Phil.

Father-and-son team. Brian's on for it.

Listen, I did competitions for ten years, and that were ten years too many.

I'm a barber. He's a barber. End of story.

Short back and sides, and you're out on your arse.

- We could walk it, Dad. - Enough.

Come in.

Hello.

Mrs. Birkett. Shelley.

Robert.

Why don't I start ? Pardon ?

I'll kick off, shall I ? Right.

See if I can remember it all.

Ah, yes.

There are a number of ways we can proceed.

Obviously there's another course of chemotherapy,

though this would be your-- what is it now--

third course in as many years.

It looks like someone in the remission department's trying to tell you something there.

Then, there's the bone marrow donor transplant option,

which, as we know, is about as likely as the pope on a pogo stick.

So, not to beat about the bush, you've had it, I'm afraid.

- You're stuffed. - Shelley--

Am I right ? Shelley,

chemotherapy-- Come on, Robert. Am I right ?

Yes.

Don't you just love being right, eh ?

All right, love ?

- Mum. - You got a minute ?

Well, you know--

I need a chat, love. Maybe pop up later, eh ?

- Yeah, maybe. - Tonight ? I'll cook.

Can't tonight, I'm working.

Tomorrow ?

I'll give you a ring, all right ?

You could shout and I'd hear ya.

Yeah, well.

Look, he's in a right mood. I'd better--

Ta-ra. Yeah...

ta-ra.

Now don't go dying on me under there.

Small step for you, great step for mankind.

Well ? All clear.

One hundred percent ?

One hundred percent.

Oh, that's my girl !

Be a darling, Vincent. Wet nails.

Please, do not take the hair dryers from the hotel bathrooms.

I want Christina here with me. Get a bit of a buzz going.

Would you kindly check us in, please, Louis ?

Pleasure, treasure. Thank you. That's it, my love.

Now you just stand there with me and let them all have a nice look at you.

You see those three jokers ? Kilburn Kutters.

Brothers.

Jasmine's married to Robert. She's a nightmare.

Great model, mind. Chris, what have you been using, eh ?

I don't know. Just some stuff I found in the cupboard.

Are you take-- Are you having me on ?

I'm sorry. Mum uses it.

Well, you're not with your mom in Minneapolis now, are you ?

You're with me. There's something you've gotta realize pretty fast, darling.

The competition has started. Dad.

I haven't see you in ages. I'm on vacation.

You asked me to model, I didn't ask you.

No, the whole town's full up.

But my dear, dear girl, this reservation was made months ago.

There's nowt down in book.

I don't care about the bloody book, sweetie. I just want our rooms, okay ?

We don't have any. We're full up.

Room key, Mr. TJ ?

Ah, the Randolph Suite.

He's nicked our rooms. That bastard's nicked our rooms.

He's a bitter old bastard, basically.

And he's past it.

No, no, he is. I don't care what folks say.

So he's got some trophies, won a few things.

They go back to the bloody Ice Age them do, mate.

Back to when the bloody Yeti were wandering High Street looking for a shampoo and set.

Whole new world now, mate.

More like sculpture is modern styling.

Tell you, if Henry Moore were born now,

he wouldn't piss around with marble and statues and stuff,

he'd be an hairdresser.

Who were you talking to ?

Mr. Barry Birt. Ah.

There we go, Mr. Birt.

Have a good trip.

Well, they said you're in luck 'cause we've just had a vacancy.

No wonder. It's in the middle of bloody nowhere.

- Says they do a good breakfast. - You are joking, aren't you ?

It's the last on the list. You can sleep in the car !

I'm sorry, love.

What ?

Great Uncle Barton. Ninety-three.

Nonsmoker. The viewing's the day after tomorrow, Noah.

Ah.

Well, come in if you're coming.

Plenty of room. Just acquired an extra bedroom.

Lovely. Lovely, that's it, Barbara.

Yes, the whole works. Go for burn. Go for burn, Dot.

Come on, go for burn ! Go for burn !

Bloody gyrobics.

Aerobics.

At my age, I'll call it what I like.

You hardly said not but two words to me, you have.

What's on your mind ?

I'm a hairdresser, Daisy. Nothing's on me mind.

Your tests were due this week. Was it ?

And ?

Fine, you know. All clear.

That'll be why you're crying then, is it ?

I thought you couldn't see.

I can't, you soft lass. You're dripping all over me.

Sorry. Come on.

Don't give in on the bugger.

I already have, Daisy.

You most certainly have not, young lady.

Listen, I've had a long time to think about dying.

And there's only one good thing knowing you're on your way,

and that's sorting it all out.

I never had a chance with Harry.

One minute, he were feeding the cat...

and smelling up the kitchen with his home brew.

And the next minute, he just weren't. Gone.

I never said good-bye.

All them little ends I never tied up.

So, my dear, you've tied up all your ends, have you ?

Absolutely, Daisy.

I've got an ex-husband who hasn't talked to me in ten year,

a son who's embarrassed to be in the same town as me, let alone the same room,

and a girlfriend who thinks the only problem we've got this year...

is what color to paint the salon.

Yeah, I'd say I've pretty much tied the ends up now.

Well, you'd better get a bloody move on then, hadn't you ?

Oh, bloody fantastic.

Where'd you get it from ? Leeds Train Station.

They're having a refit. Cheap, but it works all right.

Oh, it's good. It's very good.

Thanks, lads. See you later.

All right, Shelley.

Brings it all back, does that.

Hair By Night were my favorite when I were modeling.

Phil would cook up the most amazing dos.

Big rigs, you know.

Well, he better get a move on.

Entries close end of tomorrow.

Ten years too late for that, Tony.