Scrubs

Sacred Heart. Eight years of great memories.

This place will live forever.

They tore down the old crappy hospital

and rebuilt it on the med school campus.

I'm just back to teach some classes.

First, though, I need to do my morning good-luck ritual.

And seven. That's one good-luck kiss for every month you've been in there.

- Are you done yet? - Not yet.

And thank you for making Mommy's boobs so much bigger.

They're almost jugs.

Seriously, I think I can probably rest them on your head.

- Check it out. - Okay.

Yeah. Whoa, talk about a 10-gallon hat.

How cool is that?

Donny, no questions right now, okay? This is private.

- They're still looking. - I said this is private! Turn around!

- That was heavy. - Hey, do good today.

- Bye. - Bye.

I can still feel them on my head.

How sweet is he?

Part of me hates how familiar this seems.

I hope I can find a way to make this all feel new.

Oh, my God, the first day of med school.

Everything is so new. I mean, just look at all these people

who don't know that I used to wear a back brace.

I can look left.

Yep, new sights, new sounds, even new smells.

- Kiwi. - What?

- I smell kiwi. - Yeah, it's my shampoo.

- I love kiwis, okay? - I love them, too.

Actually that's not true. They're hairy. They look like monkey nuts.

Don't smell people. It's weird.

- I'm Lucy. - I don't care.

Regroup, Lucy. Find an ally.

- Hi. I'm Lucy. - Cole.

Hey, after class you want to go somewhere

and get weird with each other?

I feel like you skipped a few steps.

Hey, come on. You already know if you're in or out.

So, what's the deal, girl?

Not interested.

Medicine is...

Well, it's a dead career.

Thanks to insurance companies and malpractice lawyers,

you have absolutely no hope of finding a rewarding or satisfying profession

in this once-noble field.

The only exception to this very true rule is the following.

If you are lucky enough to go to a great medical school,

then, my children, you got a real shot.

Unfortunately, you're all screwed,

because to call this particular school a crap house

would be an honest-to-God compliment.

Plus, I'm the only teacher here worth a damn

and I already hate each and every one of you.

Would you like to know why?

Well, it turns out you're not actually medical students at all.

You are all murderers and assassins that have been sent here

to try to kill my patients.

Here's the bottom line. If you do get a good, clean kill on a patient,

go ahead and take a pinkie or an ear as a trophy.

I get that, I do. But, please, also know this.

I'm ready for you, have been for a while.

So watch your ass. Good day.

Okay, I hope everyone enjoyed orientation with Dr. Cox.

I'm Dr. Mahoney, your student advisor.

Here's some crappy pizza. Commence feeding.

You joining us, Gramps?

You know, 'cause you're old for a med student.

They told me to give out fun nicknames for team building.

- It's working. - Look, uh, Drew,

I don't like dealing with, well, people,

and all these kids obviously look up to you.

I've never spoken to any of these people.

I can still feel a bond.

And I thought, why don't you deal with the whiny emotional stuff,

and in return, I will let you do that.

Look, just let me fly under the radar.

Please.

I guess I should answer any annoying questions you all have.

Yeah, Monkey Nuts.

I just wanted to thank you, on behalf of all of us, for getting us pizza.

There, smelling incident fixed.

Yeah, they gave me money to do it,

along with free room and board to attend to your emotional needs.

Speaking of which, little administrative thing.

If you're going to kill yourself, I'm looking at you, Sad Eyes,

do it off-campus because it's a butt-load of paperwork.

All right, everyone, pay attention, because my spleen is right here.

Whoops, that feels more like my private-time area.

Wouldn't it be easier if you could see what you were doing?

This is the way I'm doing it, Cole.

Or maybe you're just uncomfortable

because it's a black man's head on a fake white man's body.

That's right, people, it just got real up in here.

In my class, you will each be graded by the color of your skin.

If you're white, raise your hand.

"F's."

- There he is. - Yes!

- Turk! Up here! - Dude, what the hell are you doing?

I thought it'd be more dramatic if we spotted each other from afar,

and then ran to see each other!

But now, if we meet in the middle,

we'll wind up somewhere inside the hospital,

and this really feels like more of an outside thing.

If you count to 10 before you run,

I should be able to get downstairs and over to you!

I'm already counting!

Three, four...

- Hey, Dr. Turk. - Not now, Denise.

- Turk! - I'm late, gotta go.

Let's go, it's guy love.

Don't compromise the feeling of some other guy.

Holding up your heart into the sky.

I'll be there to care through all the lows

I'll be there to share the highs.

It's guy love between two guys.

Mmm, you smell like prison.

When was the last time you guys saw each other?

This morning. We carpooled.

But we haven't worked together in over a year.

You know what I'd like to do now?

Is it go to Vermont and make this thing legal?

Talk to the hand. Remember that?

Eagle! Oh, hey, Perry.

I'm really looking forward to teaching with you.

Onward, eagle!

Oh, good God.

So, that's what you're going to wear to teach?

I'll have you know, this is the very jacket

worn by Michelle Pfeiffer in Dangerous Minds.

All I had to do was sew these elbow patches on

and take the shoulder pads out.

By the way, whatever happened to the Janitor?

Oh, dude, it was the day after you left.

When's that little buddy of yours coming back?

He's never coming back. He's gone for good.

- He's right here, isn't he? - Where would I be hiding him?

- But he's coming back... - No.

After his vacation. - No.

And no one ever saw him again.

- Dr. Kelso? What are you doing here? - I'm teaching a couple of classes.

J.D.'s going to teach here, too.

Oh, Turk, sometimes I'll teach them, sometimes they'll teach me.

But we're always gonna inspire each other.

You're still such an odd little fruit.

Is that a woman's jacket?

- No, it's a men's small. - Yes, it's actually a jacket

- from Dangerous Minds. - He doesn't need to know that.

Dr. Kelso, I heard about Enid's passing.

- I'm so sorry. - Well, you bottom out,

and then you persevere.

I feel like I can say the worst is over.

- How long ago did she pass? - About two days.

Oh!

- I'm a frequent flyer. - Congrats, I guess.

No, no, no. That means I'm in and out of the hospital a lot.

Oh.

- Ben. Ischemic bowel disease. - Lucy. I'm a med student.

- You look like you could use a grape. - Thanks, Ben, I really could.

No stealing food from patients.

Gather around, murderers. Gather around.

I saw that. Spit it out.

Now, eat it again. At least we know you're a good listener.

Score!

You should all follow 19's lead.

And I call her 19 because instead of using your names,

I am going to go by where you currently rank in my head.

Now, who can tell me

what artery goes above the optic chiasm to the cerebral hemispheres?

Supermodel in the back.

I'm fairly certain it's the anterior cerebral artery.

- What? - The anterior cerebral artery.

I'm not understanding a word that she's saying.

And, people, I can teach anyone. You just gotta speak English.

- I'm Australian. - Still not getting it.

Everyone, leave.

- I'm sorry about the grape thing. - Don't sweat it, 42.

Is my number going down because I'm talking to you?

- Why was Michael in my room? - His name isn't Michael.

Well, he has a weird Serbian name that I can't say,

so I'm calling him Michael. He loves it.

- I don't. My name is Ilyavich. - Mike, just go.

Young Michael informed me that you told everyone to come to me

- with their personal problems. - Yeah, I did.

I checked on you.

You've already been to med school once already when you were 21,

and you didn't just flame out. You like... You went nuclear.

- Seriously, how was prison? - It was cold.

You couldn't just let me be.

Well, I'm gonna take the high road and not mention your mannish voice

and all the pictures you have in here of your friends.

Tell me, which one's your BFF?

- You are a giant douche. - I know.

- Wanna take a shower together? - Fine.

You know, you think you're so hot, but I'm not a fan.

Hey, I'm not happy about this, either, okay?

Lights, camera, teach.

Welcome to internal medicine, gang.

My name is Dr. John Dorian.

- Hey, should we be taking notes? - That's a good question, fellow.