It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Fxx presents it's always sunny in Philadelphia.

come on, this way.

Clear the room.

All clear, nobody's here.

It sounds like it got quiet out there.

Yeah.

Shit! Frank! There's somebody here.

Frank: Is anybody here?

Speak up-- we will shoot.

Wait, hold your fire, frank! It's just a kid.

Hey, boy.

Is that water for us?

Jesus Christ, frank, you just killed a kid!

Eh.

Jesus Christ!

Oh, my god.

I'm gonna give him cpr.

Now, is he blowing someone? What is happening?

Yeah, looks like it. Mac: Jesus Christ,

frank, he was just trying to give us water, man!

Forget it, he's dead.

Mac: You can't go around killing kids!

Think about his mom and his dad.

How long they been playing this for?

Oh, dude...

Three straight days.

They've been playing this

for three days? Yeah, absolutely.

Jesus Christ, have they slept?

No. No, they've just been wandering around the bar,

blowing kids, doing whatever they're doing, you know?

Frank, behind you! Is this where we're headed?

I mean, as a world? Know what I mean--

as a society?

Hey, uh, have any of you seen my guy yet?

Oh, what is this, now? What? Who? Huh?

What do you want to tell us? Just tell us. Oh, I just

totally hooked up with this super hot

stripper soldier last night. He's swinging by.

Oh, you're dating a stripper. Mm-hmm.

Wow, gross.

Gross? If you guys started

dating a stripper you'd be bragging about it

for days. I meet myself a Channing Tatum

and suddenly it's gross?

A what-- a charming taint man?

What words is she trying to say?

Uh, she's talking about Channing Tatum. Oh.

He's an actor. What do i know him in?

Well, he-he plays g.I. Joe. Oh!

G.I.... oh, g.I. Joe's the shit. G.I. Joe. Yeah, yeah.

Well, then say g.I. Joe, don't make up a name. All right, you know what,

whatever. It doesn't matter. Anyway,

we had this really amazing connection

and the sex was so meaningful,

both of us wept tears of joy.

Makes me want to throw up. Yeah.

Just what happened. You know what i think is happening

right now? I think the guy's

coming by because you stole his watch.

Oh, right, you jacked his wallet or something

so he'd come over and you-you...

Yeah. Right? Just to get him to talk to you again.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hello. Hey. Hey, Mike.

Hey. Thanks for calling me.

Yeah. Thanks for coming by. So you have

my watch?

Oh... Yeah. Just diving

straight into that, huh?

Listen, um, I'm really glad

you called, though.

I really wanted to thank you for last night.

Thank you for last night.

Yeah. It's like, we were

having sex and the whole time

yeah. I was like,

"what's become of me?"

You know, all I do is i strip all night, I play

video games all day, i have meaningless sex

with strangers.

My own daughter won't even

talk to me, you know? So I was

like... "Damn."

And I realized i hit rock bottom.

Oh.

And that's why I was crying.

Oh. Right, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. But don't-don't take it personally.

No. Because it... Why would it be?

All right, cool. It's...

Yeah, cool. Cool, 'cause it really

helped me realize that I got to give that lifestyle up.

Oh... So thank you.

You're welcome.

Um... I don't remember your name.

Dee.

Dee?

Yeah. Cool.

Now, can I get that watch, or...

Hey, Dee, I think he just wants his watch. I think he needs his...

Yeah, I understand. Yeah.

Charlie: Oh, yeah, yeah.

rock bottom? Me? Uh, hey, buddy, how about when

your daughter stopped talking to you--

maybe that was your rock bottom, okay?

I'm not rock bottom.

You know what I am? I'm a rock.

Dee is a rock. In fact, I'm the type of gal

who makes men's lives better.

Hey-o! You guys mind if I shower in that leaky urinal again?

Well, that... don't count that.

That's not a good example.

No, I got-- I got to do something

about this, goddamn it.

I am gonna fix this problem, 'cause I'm gonna

tell you something right now:

Sweet Dee is a rock.

Goddamn it, frank, you shot a woman.

Frank: Who cares? Jesus Christ, man,

I got to stop. This is too real. What, what?

I got to take a break, dude.

It's driving me insane.

Come on, how are we gonna win if you keep quitting?

I don't care!

Lot of storm-outs today, huh? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. This is pathetic.

Dee can't handle a little rejection.

Mac's banged up

over a goddamn video game.

Yeah. It's...

Stripper guy is traumatized

because he gets to take his clothes off

in front of a bunch of horny ladies.

Yeah. And then he has sex with one disgusting bird.

Yeah. Come on, man,

that's not trauma. That's not real trauma. Nah. It's not even

that bad. I mean, if-- if anything,

that's insulting to people

yeah. Who have experienced real trauma.

I think it is. Yeah. I mean, like

you, for instance.

Uh, me?

Well, yeah. Sure, man.

I mean, you grew up fatherless.

You were raised by a woman

who was basically a prostitute.

Well, the father stuff was real.

Yeah, without a doubt.

Got some daddy issues there.

And-and you, too. I mean,

like, you know, what happened with you--

with Ms. klinsky, the librarian. I mean, you were raped.

Ah. No. St... And tha-that's got to affect you.

That's trauma. Will you stop?

Why do you guys br-- no.

That wasn't a rape, okay?

It was. That was a mutual-- no, stop. Like...

She's an older woman, you were a younger...

A woman can't rape a guy.

An older woman can rape a younger... It's not...

Doesn't matter. That's not the point. Oh, yeah. Right, right.

This is separate, yeah. Look, it's--

it's not the point. The point is,

yeah, fine, I'll do it.

You'll do what?

I'll strip. Yeah.

Huh. I didn't realize you were talking about that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Huh. You know,

if this Mike fella wants to walk away

from an amazing stripping career,

hey, I'll take up that mantle.

You know, frankly, I'm a little disappointed

in myself for not thinking of it before.

You know? It just makes sense.

Right, yeah.

Here's the thing, man.

I can't do it without you.

I need you to get my back.

Oh, uh, you want me to strip with you?

Oh, oh, no, no, no, no, no.

I-i-i-- no, i just literally

need you to have a look at my back, you know,

make sure there's no moles

or, like, unsightly hairs,

bumps, zits, you know,

that kind of thing. Ah, yeah...

And then, you know, get after it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll clean you up.

All right, all right, i can do that.

Cool. Cool, man. You be my boy?

Yeah, I'll be the boy.

Well, just be my-- l-like my bag boy.

You know, carry around my-my lotions,

my oils, my scents, my razors.

Cool, man. Chill, chill.

Yeah, that's cool, right?

Yeah, that's cool, bro. Cool. Cool.

Mac: Frank, where are you, man?