3rd Rock from the Sun

Why do we have to come to school to talk to Tommy's teachers?

- It's a waste of time. - Why can't they come to us?

The high school teachers on this planet are so full of themselves.

It's all those Tv commercials glorifying learning.

You know, "the more you know."

It makes them drunk with power.

Yeah, well, that's going to change right now.

Where's this Mr. Randell, anyway?

When that mealymouthed little worm shows up,

I'm going to teach him the meaning of the word--

hiya.

- Dr. And Mrs. Solomon? - No.

No, no, no.

I'm his sister, a woman.

Not married. Just me,

single Sally.

Mr. Randell, I'd like to get out of here while I'm still clean-shaven.

So you can begin lavishing Tommy with praises

anytime you're ready.

Well, the truth is that...

I think Tommy can do a lot better.

Be careful, sir. You're talking about the creature

I've come to think of as my son.

He could do better.

You know...

- whatever. - Excuse us.

- What are you doing? - I don't know.

He's giving off this vibe. Can't you feel it?

Yes, I think I do.

Does it feel like a stabbing pain in your left buttock?

- No. - Then I appear to be sitting on a tack.

Dr. Solomon, Tommy's very bright, no question.

Unfortunately, Tommy's having a little trouble fitting in.

- What do you mean, fitting in? - Excuse me,

but there's something about the thickness of your neck

and the broadness of your shoulders

that makes me think you'd be an agile hunter

and provide well for our children.

I chaperone the school dance every year.

- Would you--? - Yes.

- Great. - Wait a minute. What about Tommy?

He's fine. Great kid.

Well...

why didn't you say so in the first place?

Next time, you might try organizing your thoughts

on a little index card first.

- Come on, Sally. - Ow!

- Wasn't he cute? - Totally adorable.

- A little on the scattered side, though. - He asked me to a dance.

- I get to go dancing! - Nice.

What's dancing?

Harry, can I ask you a question?

Uh, sure. Just give me a second

to finish what I was doing.

Okay, what is it?

- Can you dance? - Hmm.

I have no idea, but I'll try.

Why, yes, I can.

It appears I'm quite good.

- How are you doing that? - I have no idea.

I think it's sort of a built-In function. You try.

Wow! You suck.

You must feel like crap.

That's it, spank me.

- Tommy, I talked to your teacher, Mr. Randell.

- He said that you're not fitting in. - Of course I'm not fitting in.

- To fit in, you have to be something. - Well, we're something.

We're human beings. Why, has anyone said differently?

No, it's just everybody at school is something extra.

You know, they're African- American or Italian-American

or Asian-American, audio-Visual American.

Well, we're human-American. That should be enough.

Dick, it's part of my mission as an adolescent

to rebel against my upbringing.

If you don't tell me what we are, then I can't do my job.

All right, if we have to be part of some group, we will be.

I'll do some research. I'll ask around.

I'll find out what the best thing to be is.

- By the end of the week, we'll be that. - What should I be till then?

Well, we're carbon-Based life-forms.

Just tell everyone we're carbo-Americans.

Aztec, Toltec,

Toltec, Inca, Inuit,

Bedouin, Indian,

Sikh.

Aztec, Toltec, Toltec, Inca, Inuit,

Bedouin, Indian, Sikh.

Aztec, Toltec, Toltec, Inca, Inuit, Bedouin, in--

what are you doing at my desk?

Anthropology, it's fascinating.

Such a wealth of cultures.

Up until now, I always thought that what you did was pointless

and of no interest to anyone but yourself.

It's certainly not as fascinating as physics.

I mean, everybody loves math.

Nina, what is that thing on your head?

- It's called a daku. - I think it's beautiful.

Thank you. It's authentic.

- It makes me feel connected to my ancestors. - Oh.

So that's the traditional headdress of ancient secretaries?

No, of my African ancestors.

In case you haven't noticed, I'm black.

Well, of course I noticed.

And, Dr. Albright, you are?

Could I be any whiter?

What?

I'm sorry, all you people look alike to me.

- Excuse me? - What was that?

Nothing, I just don't see why people have to divide up

into these arbitrary subsets.

- I mean, skin color? Please. - Nina: ahem--

you may see color, but I see people.

Aren't we fortunate to have someone so enlightened?

- O pious one, show us the way.

This verges on sarcasm.

You know, my heritage happens to be very important to me.

As it should be. I'm Irish, and I'm very proud of that.

And you're... what?

Me? Uh, I-I-I'm, uh...

one of those, uh...

you know, one of the really good ones.

You're this big anthropologist. You tell me. What am I?

- Certifiable. - Yes, that's what I am--

certifiable.

Certifiable and damn proud of it,

as my father was before me and his father before him

and his father before him.

Certifiable.

Of course, we no longer practice.

You see, Sally, dancing is all about attitude.

Watch Harry.

See, I got that "hip-hop, street, don't care about Nothin'

'cause I'm all of that

and a side of fries" kind of attitude.

Right, whereas my attitude is more

Both: hey! Ho, ho!

Hey! Ho, ho!

- I hate this! - What?

I can't believe I have to learn to dance to be with this guy.

Well, you know, if you really want Mr. Randell,

use the skills you're comfortable with.

Shoot a tranquilizer dart into his neck and drag him back to your place.

Harry, that is not the behavior of a human female.

Exactly. I want to charm him, beguile him.

I want him to buy me a pwesent.

- Tommy, how was school? - Awful.

I lost my math book, and I couldn't convince anybody that I was Samoan.

Well, don't worry.

The answer to all our problems is right here in this book.

It's loaded with every possible genre of human.

It's like a catalog.

You can take your pick, whatever you want to be.

- So who do you want to join, hmm? - They're too scrawny.

- Mm-hmm. Them? - No, ugly flag.

Nah, too many gods.

I'm not putting that on my head.

Ah-ha! Here we go.

Canadians. Yeah, right.

Now, let's have a look at Einstein's boundary conditions

according to the theory of relativity.

Einstein, a Jew,

never could have made this breakthrough,

had it not been for the earlier work of Copernicus, polish,

or tycho Brahe,

the unlucky Dane from Prague.

Which brings up another question--

how many Puerto Ricans do we have in class? Any Puerto Ricans?

- Leon, what are you? - You don't have to answer that.

- Dutch. - I love your tulips and your dikes.

Oh, thank you.

However, I turn your people down because of the silly shoes.

Okay, no Puerto Ricans? Any Latinos in general?

Anyone with Latino information?

Dr. Solomon, with all due respect, I find this offensive.

Pittman, you won't be left out. I'll get to the Asians.

Why are you suddenly so interested in what everybody is?

- I have to know. It's important. - No, it's not.

- Yes, it is. - No, it's not.

The only thing that matters about a person

is what they have inside.

Oh, yeah? Then how come

you only date good-Looking guys?

- That's not true. - You turned him down.

Shut up!

Here are your books. I read each one of them,

and I'm just as confused as I ever was.