Fred Claus

You've probably heard many stories that begin:

"A long, long time ago, in a land far away."

This one does as well.

But I assure you, this is a story you have never heard before.

It's the story of a boy named Fred.

And it begins right here.

It's time.

You must push, dear.

- Aah! Aah! - That's it.

That's it. One more time, come on. Yes.

What's wrong?

It's the fattest baby I've ever seen.

Oh.

Good Lord.

Why does he not cry?

- Ho. - Ho.

What did he say?

Ho, ho.

He's perfect in every way.

What shall we name him?

My father was called Nicholas.

Yes.

Nicholas Claus.

My Saint Nicholas.

Frederick.

Would you like to come and meet your brother?

Come along now.

Fred loved Nicholas from the first moment he met him.

In fact, that day, he made him a promise.

I promise to be the best big brother in the whole world, Nicholas.

Ho.

But Fred's promise is just the beginning of his story.

You see, sometimes it's easier to make a promise...

...than it is to keep one.

Time to cut the cake.

Here you go, Nicholas. I made this for you.

Happy birthday.

I thank you, Frederick.

That was very nice, Frederick.

Nicholas, where are you going?

There's a poor orphan named Henry who lives down the road.

I'm bringing all my gifts to him. He needs them more than I.

That's lovely.

Do you really think Henry needs a journal with the name "Nicholas" on the cover?

Frederick, it's a saintly thing he does.

My little Saint Nicholas.

And so it went for Fred.

Every time he managed to make his parents proud...

Frederick, don't you look nice.

...Nicholas managed to make...

...his parents prouder.

The door was locked, so I decided to drop down the chimney. What fun.

Ha-ha. Oh, Nicholas.

If the door was locked, why didn't you just knock?

Because he's inventive.

I made the outfit myself, Mother.

I wouldn't go telling people that.

Really, Frederick, why can't you be more like your brother?

I don't wish to hate him. He means well.

And I promised to be the best big brother in the world.

You're the only one who understands me, Chirp-Chirp.

Frederick. I noticed how much you liked the tree...

...so now we're gonna bring it inside the house and put presents under it.

Isn't that wonderful?

Chirp-Chirp never returned.

Frederick?

Our poor Fred.

Is this for me?

That tree was the last straw.

He began to resent his brother, his parents...

...and even his life.

Nicholas, why don't you open yours first?

Oh!

Spin it. Spin it.

And like many unhappy children...

Why don't you open yours?

...he became angry.

Naughty, even.

I wonder what it is.

What's the matter, Nicholas?

Nothing.

But while Fred grew worse...

...Nicholas grew more generous, and eventually...

...he fulfilled his mother's prophecy.

In manhood, he literally became a saint.

Now, it's a little-known rule of sainthood, but when you become a saint...

...you freeze in time, eternally ageless.

The rule applies to the family of the saint and the spouses, as well.

Now, you probably already have your suspicions of what became of Saint Nick.

The world grew to know and love him as Santa Claus.

But as I told you before, this is a story about Fred.

And the next part of Fred's story occurs in a time and place...

...that might be a little more familiar to you.

Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas! Everybody loves Christmas!

Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas! Everybody loves Christmas!

Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas! Everybody loves Christmas!

Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!

- Everybody loves Christmas! - Ow!

You can't take my television. I watch that in bed.

Are you nuts?

You can't just run up and kick someone like that. How old are you?

- Nine. - Nine?

And you have a 55-inch Plasma TV in your room?

Santa got it for me for Christmas last year.

The guy in the red suit's not looking out for your future.

You're gonna get hooked on that.

I can see it now. Sixteen thousand bags of Cheetos later...

...you'll wake up, you're 35, crying about your life in front of the soaps.

I did you a favor. You get outside, play around, make some friends.

Play kick the can, do some athletic stuff.

Go to school, you're comfortable to play sports.

Do you have any ethnic in your background? Any ethnicity in your background?

I bet you do, it's America. You know what I mean?

Put it on the application for college.

All of a sudden, you get a little extra money. Uncle Sam's none the wiser.

You take that extra money, you buy a motorcycle.

Maybe you meet a guy at school. Then you'll get pregnant with child.

It works outwith the guy, doesn't work out, who cares?

You're blessed to have a kid in your life.

You'll be athletic. You're gonna be a moderate-to-lukewarm student.

And you're gonna have a child before you graduate college.

Who are you gonna have to thank? Not the guy in the red suit.

But your pal, Fred.

Ugh!

Sometimes it hurts to grow. Hey, guy, you got a girl that kicks.

Is that from you or is that because you use the TV as a babysitter?

Don't pay your bills again. Next time I'll come and take your wife from you.

Plasma goes to my place. Pack it separately, make sure it doesn't scratch.

Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas! Everybody loves--

Catch it, catch it, catch it one time.

Come on, come on, come on, just a little bit.

That's it, just easy, easy. Damn it.

- You mind changing the station for me, pal? - It's your buck, buddy.

Can you change that again, please?

Come on, I like that one. That's a good one.

Can you pull over, please?

- Come on, we're still 15 blocks from the-- - Just pull the cab over, please.

Wanda, you have never been more attractive to me.

Freddie, I'm mad at you. No, I'm seriously mad at you.

Two whole days, you don't call me.

I try and have a conversation with you about our moving in together...

- ...and then you just disappear. - Sweetheart, I did not just disappear.

I found myself in a business opportunity with a sheik. From India.

A sh-- There aren't any sheiks in India.

Don't tell that to this guy. I had to go on a yoga retreat.

But to be honest with you, my chi...really strong right now.

Freddie, do you know what tomorrow is?

- Tomorrow? - Yeah.

Yeah, I know what tomorrow is.

- What is it? - Tomorrow is tomorrow.

And today is today, and we shouldn't be wasting it arguing with each other.

No, Freddie, apart from that, all right. What is the significance of tomorrow?

What you're referring to in this conversation is the day after today?

- Yes. - You're asking me--

What I'm trying to say is that when it gets to midnight...

...and then it's one minute past midnight, tomorrow begins and then it is my birthday.

- That? - Oh, no.

I know that. The birthday thing, that I know. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Don't try and pretend you knew it was my birthday...

...because I know you. You didn't know.

- I do know it's your birthday. - You forgot.

I have a surprise planned for you for your birthday, but you ruined it.

That's what I need, surprises. Remember our three-year anniversary?

You told me to brush up on French, you drop hints about the Eiffel Tower...

...and then you took me gambling on a riverboat in Indiana.

The French thing was to get you off the scent.

The thing about it was that I bought those French books on tape.

I studied for three weeks.

That French is yours, that's a part of you, no one can take that away.

Can I get you a cup of coffee?

I just can't stay mad at you.

Freddie, will you tell me about the surprise?

If I tell you, it would no longer be a surprise.

I know, I know, but...

Yeah, you're right. You shouldn't tell me, then.

You know what?

I'm gonna tell you about the surprise. It's not a surprise.

You already know what it is, so it's not a surprise.

So this time, on this specific occasion, I'll let you know what it is.

- It's a dinner. - Yeah.

At, uh, a pretty exciting new hot spot here in town called...

...Bonsai Palace.

Oh, that sounds familiar, Bons-- Bonsai Palace.

- Yeah. - Hmm. You're not making this up?

If we go to Bonsai Palace, it's gonna exist? It's gonna be there?

Absolutely, it's a hot spot. Think romance, and think getting lost.

Charlie Brown...

...you're the only person I know who can take a wonderful season like Christmas...

...and turn it into a problem.

Maybe Lucy's right. Of all the Charlie Browns...

My man, Fred.

Don't come in bouncing off the walls.

If you can come in here, relaxed, and be a gentleman, then you can come in.

- Can you do that? You want some milk? - Yeah.

Okay. Don't be playing with the channels...

...and putting on videos and dancing, it's exhausting.

Okay.

Do you gotta go over the couch? With the feet.

The feet are dirty, the couch is clean.

- You put the feet off the thing. - Oh. My bad.