Better Off Single

- So, I'm not a big believer in blind dates. - -Uh, me neither.

Even though work colleagues swore I'd like her...

My sister promised I'd like him.

- Still... - -We were skeptical.

That is until...

I saw her.

And I saw him.

- Something clicked. We started talking. -We couldn't stop

-the whole night. -Closed down the restaurant and went and got drinks.

And then he's such a gentlemen.

-He walked me home. -Well, almost home.

Right, 'cause on this dark street,

these two huge thugs with brass knuckles...

- And nunchucks. - -And really bad skin.

They grabbed me, said that they wanted our money and were going to rape me.

We want your money and are going to rape you.

- It was horrible. - -Well, it could've been.

Right, if Barry hadn't vowed to protect

New York City streets since being orphaned as a boy.

- Yeah. I'm the trust-funded avenger.

Is he ever. Barry learned thai-stick fighting

on the rough streets of Princeton.

He was so calm and strong.

I'd never seen a throwing star.

Lucky for them, i was with a beautiful lady

otherwise, I wouldn't have been so nice.

And after seeing the almost tender way

- he vanquished those ruffians--

I am quite compassionate.

I knew right then, it was time.

Time for me to take her virginity.

I thought I would be scared

but, thankfully, prior to me

Barry had made love to more than 80 women.

- 83-- which is a lot. -I felt like I was made of light--

a sexual firefly or something. Hot-throbbing...

- Fetishistic climaxes again and again and again.

And, the next morning, after we won $38 million

playing nickel slots...

And started travelling the world and haven't stopped since.

But, Charlie, that's us, yo. What about you?

-I haven't seen you since, i don't know, high school. -Wow.

What's goin' on? Tell us about your lucky lady.

You've got one of those, right?

Yeah, what's goin' on with you?

Ever notice when you're not in a relationship

everyone else is in a ridiculously happy one?

Seriously? Unbelievable.

I mean, this guy? These two?

It's not like this shit ever works out for me.

Charlie, you called her

ten times a day for the past two weeks.

She doesn't like you, dude.

Now help me find this boomerang before your mom

- makes us do geometry. - -Was it my fault?

Who puts a heart around "no" if she doesn't mean "yes"?

Come on.

And college was even worse.

All I'm saying is next time don't leave me there by myself

while you go talk to frat guys all night, okay?

You're the one who told me to go flirt for free beer, remember?

-You didn't have to like it so much. -Charlie...

So that's how to avoid failing the final exam.

Christ.

You name the relationship

I'll tell you where it went wrong.

That dog was such a buzz-kill.

Let's just say we're both happy it ended--

like how all my relationships ended-- happy.

Well, until Angela.

You have got to be kidding me.

Angela, I'm sorry i woke you up.

You used to like middle-of-the-night sex.

I mean you are white-hot, basically naked in my bed.

You practically groped me.

With my knee? While sleeping?

- Shit. Do you see it anywhere?

Hey!

-It's gonna be all right. Okay? -I told you

to shut that window.

Blood-sucking mosquitoes are never gonna let me sleep.

-Honey. -I'm already nervous for my meeting.

Hey. Honey, honey, honey, honey.

Listen...

- You know tomorrow's gonna go great.

And I promise you, even if I have to stay up all night to do it,

you can sleep the entire time.

That mosquito's teeny tiny little life will end.

And ever since Angela and I broke up

I just can't stop thinking.

Don't just kill it-- torture it.

Pump it for information find out where those

insect sleeper cells live.

I'm gonna waterboard the shit out of that mosquito.

Good.

And I don't care what the mainstream liberal media

-has to say about it. -Mmm.

The little fucker deserves it!

I love you.

Mmm. You promise that mosquito dies after?

Alive mosquitoes are so last year.

-Just in case. -Hmm.

Whoa. Oh.

And even though Angela and I are finished,

"why" just doesn't make sense.

I mean, wouldn't it have been simpler for us

if we just did the things in our relationship

that our grandparents did in theirs?

They never split up.

Hell, even our parents' generation

did enough to at least fake-out the kids pre-divorce.

And while I know pretending is no sure-fire cure-all

it sure as shit beats reality.

I don't know.

I wish just once i had a clue what to do.

And, I mean, i just can't get out of my head.

My brain just keeps playing and replaying and replaying.

"Why did the relationship end?"

How can I get over her?

And I don't know.

So... No change then?

--I really, really tried to make it work, Charlie.

But you just didn't live here.

You were in another world.

What about the daydreams and sex fantasies?

Are you still having those?

No.

Look, I know you believe

that other couples are truly happy

but the truth is, they aren't.

Nobody's happy unless they're single

and don't have to make compromises-- relationship compromises

that frankly suck for everyone.

Even single people only think they're happy

but they really aren't.

They hate their parents, they hate their jobs

and their goddamn fantasy football teams.

Whatever they can come up with to keep themselves miserable.

Miserable, Charlie, is what people are meant to be.

You mind if I smoke?

I wish you could hear

half of the incessant whining that goes on in this room.

You people are relentless.

Although my catskills cabin does say thank you.

Well, then sign me up for six more years

of these sessions right now, can we?

Charlie, you pose a very good question--

very good-- about our sessions.

Um, Charlie.

We need to talk. I've wanted to bring this up for a long time,

but with your birthday and the summer holidays

and that layoff situation you've been dealing with,

I didn't think it was the right time--

but, you know, when is it really

the "right time"?

Charlie, what I'm saying is

I think it would be good for us

to take a little time off.

It's August, right? You're probably headed to

wherever that massive therapist rave is.

Wherever you guys go this time of year. Just give me the dates.

-It's fine. -No, that's not it.

Charlie, look.

I need to stop seeing you

because it's time for me to start seeing other people.

Oh. Is it something I said?

No, it's not you, Charlie

it's me.

You know, you saying that

- really does bring up a lot of feelings for me.

Shit. I really gotta take this.

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

I'm gonna need some more of this stuff.

I don't know where the hell you got this shit,

but it's spectacular.

Throbbing, fetishistic climaxes

again and again and again.

There's no question Franco made a great play.

Just catching the ball at your feet is tough enough

let alone one sailing end-over-end

then to dance down the sideline

even throw in a little bit of stiff-arm?

Yeah. It was incredible. But still...

It's not the same thing.

Now, baseball, on the other hand

now, that is a game of matchups.

That is a game of intent. You can't get lucky

and hit a 98-mile-an-hour fastball.

You can't get lucky and throw a sweeping curveball

nailing the outside corner of the plate.

I mean, what's better than two outs,

bottom of the ninth, three-two count,

a runner on second and down by a run?

The pitch Dennis eckersley intends to throw

and the swing kirk Gibson intends to put on the ball--

one pitch, one swing-- a world series winner and a world series loser?

I mean, it's insane!

But listen to me, rambling on.

All talking--

talking is exactly what we don't need me to be doing,