Murder at the Vanities

Telegram for Mr. Ellery.

Pardon me.

They call up at the last minute and want tickets. How can they do this?

Telegram, Mr. Ellery. Give me.

I gotta take care of the back of the stage.

Hello.

Telephone, Mr. Ellery, Atlantic City.

The boss may be sick, but he's not too sick to keep us on the jump.

I got it. I got it. Hello, hello. Yes, Mr. Carroll.

Yes, everything's all right.

Listen, will you stop worrying?

Listen, Mr. Carroll, your health is worth more than that.

Well, listen, Mr. Carroll, will you do me a favor?

Will you take your arteries and go to bed

and forget about the whole thing?

Yeah, yeah. Goodbye. Goodbye.

Here. Put that...

They want you backstage, Mr. Ellery.

Lander and Ware haven't shown up yet.

Lander and Ware haven't shown up. What am I supposed to do here?

Go on and give their performances?

Long distance, Atlantic City calling. You cut them off.

Listen, tell them I've died. I can't be disturbed.

Telegram for Mr. Ellery.

All right. Don't knock me down.

Lieutenant Murdock, of the Homicide Squad.

Well, what's the matter? I want my tickets.

I'm sorry, Commissioner. There's nothing for you.

What? I'm sorry.

Where's Jack Ellery?

He's just gone backstage.

Hey!

Hey, you.

Where're those tickets you were going to leave for me?

Gee, Bill, I forgot all about them.

Yeah? Well, remember them now.

I'm going to hustle over to the Astor to pick up Ethel.

Oh, listen, I couldn't get a couple of tickets for the White House.

Would you like to stand? What?

With me all laid out like a funeral and a dame on my hands?

What are you beefing about? I got a show on my hands.

Say, that's nothing. I got Ethel on mine. I promised her.

Well, unpromise her. Judas H. Priest!

Here you're bellyaching about a couple of tickets

and I got a star and leading lady here that haven't shown up yet.

You can't get away with this. I promised Ethel.

Well, tell her you can't show up.

What's the matter, you afraid of that fluff?

What? Me? Me afraid of a dame?

Hey, I'll tell a dame anything I want to

and push her in the mush if she lets out a peep!

Well, what do you want from me? Go ahead and...

Hey, a swell pal you've turned out to be.

When you were a cheap reporter

butting in around the Police Headquarters,

did I ever give you the runaround?

Oh, go away, will you? You bother me. I'm a busy man here.

All right. That washes us up.

Just try and ask me for a favor sometime.

Go away. You're breaking my heart.

Out! Out! Out! Out! Out, you!

Take it on the lam. You take it.

Out! Get out, you big mallet-head! Outside!

What kind of a place is this? Opening night.

Get in there and get your clothes off.

Oh, people are so inconsiderate.

Oh, Mr. Ellery.

Not now, not now.

That was grand. I love the way you sing that, Eric.

Thank you, dear. But let's rush, darling.

We've got to get to the theater.

No, no, not yet, Ann darling. You must play it once more.

I must try my new lyrics once more.

Come, just once. Come on. Be a good girl.

There.

In some secluded rendezvous

That overlooks the avenue

With someone sharing a delightful chat

Of this and that

And cocktails for two

As we enjoy a cigarette

To some exquisite chansonette

Two hands are sure to slyly meet

Beneath a serviette

With cocktails for two

Oh, I adore you, darling.

And I adore you, too, but you'd better be careful.

You'll sing it to me some night like that onstage.

Well, I wouldn't care.

With intoxicating kisses

For the principal ingredient

Most any afternoon at five

We'll be so glad we're both alive

Then maybe fortune will complete her plan

That all began with cocktails for two

There you are.

There's the clock.

We must go to the theater.

Come along, dear.

This is the happiest night of my life, Eric,

and nothing, nothing can spoil it.

Nothing, Ann dear, nothing.

But there's one thing I must tell you.

No, no, no, there's only one thing you can tell me tonight, darling.

Come along.

Oh, Judas H. Priest.

Listen, this is opening night. Will you get inside here?

You're in here making taxicab hocus-pocus.

Oh, this isn't hocus-pocus. This is orange blossoms.

You mean you're going to get married and all that stuff?

We're going over to Jersey and wake up a minister after the show.

Oh, gee, ain't that marvelous.

Can you imagine buying all that from a minister for $10?

And what a break for the show. Crooners make it real.

Say, listen, I'll have it on the front page

of every morning newspaper in the city.

Oh, but say, listen, in the meantime,

would you mind coming inside and getting busy, please, just for me?

Shall we? Let's.

Oh, grand.

Hey, listen, Lona, have you got a date for tonight?

I don't know yet.

Hey, listen, you two can't get married tonight.

Why not? Well, wait till Sunday night.

We'll get a better break in the Monday morning newspapers.

I'm sorry, Jack, but we don't wait.

We take off tonight and I bet we find you

crawling out of the minister's nightshirt

with a couple of newsreel cameramen.

They want you out front, Mr. Ellery.

Oh, that Carroll's blood pressure's going up by long distance.

Good evening, Norma. Hello, Norma.

Oh, Mr. Lander.

I hope you're a wonderful success tonight and that nothing...

I mean that everything...

Thanks, Norma, I hope you like me.

Like you. Gosh.

I beg your pardon.

Oh!

Well, how long did it take you to get a bottle of champagne?

Or maybe I'm wrong

and you're the star of this opera and I'm the hired girl.

I'm sorry, Miss Rita.

I stopped to hear some gossip.

Gossip.

Dirt? Spill it.

Mr. Lander and Miss Ware are gonna get married.

Married? Why, he can't...

Why not? He's gotta get married sometime.

He can't always play around.

Married. And to that little...

After what I've been to him.

Oh, yeah?

Well, after what I've done for him.

Why, I brought him into this show.

You brought him in? You and who else? Just me.

Carroll saw me in an act with him and brought him along.

Listen, baby, blues singers like you are thicker on Broadway

than brunettes in Africa.

It was Lander Carroll wanted.

He just brought you along to hold his hat for him.

Is that the truth you're telling me, you broken-down clown,

or are you trying to ride me?

I wouldn't joke about a thing like that, Miss Rita.

Isn't it just beautiful and romantic?

Well, get off the table.

How can I work with you sitting on there?

I got dirt. She's got dirt.

All Carroll's children got dirt.

Dish it. Dirt's no good cold.

It's Ross, and is she burning.

Lander and Ware are telling it to the minister tonight.

Honest?

You mean they're going to get married

with a license and a ring and what not?

What a funny thing to do.

It dates them, like coffee.

Yeah.

Come in.

Good evening, Mr. Lander. Good evening.

Oh, isn't it splendid?

They've been turning people away for half an hour.

Well, that's grand.

Here's your coat.

Thank you, dear.

Eric, Rita Ross, she is very angry.

Now, don't worry, darling.

Oh, but this means so much, this Broadway opening.

Wouldn't it be wise perhaps to make up with her just for a little while?

Oh, I know Rita.

She'll put on an act, perhaps throw a tantrum or two,

but she'll survive.

Oh, I hope you're right.

Well, of course I'm right.

Nobody as happy as I am could be wrong.

Five minutes to overture, Mr. Lander.

Oh, and you are not even made up, Eric.

I'll go.

Come in.

Just a gag, I guess.