Orange Is the New Black

Chapman.

Chapman, let's go. Up, up, up.

What? I'm up.

- On your feet. - I th-

I thought that Foley was on duty today.

Is it breakfast already?

No, but if you're hungry, you can lick yesterdays off the wall. Nasty.

No, this-

This-This is art.

This is a yellow warbler drinking out of a daffodil.

She just cannot get enough.

I'm calling it “Thirsty Bird.” It's almost done.

Smells like old Easter in here.

I hate cooked yolks.

- Well, you won't be finishing. - Why? What's happening?

Or annoying the living crap out of me. Stand up on your goddamn feet, inmate.

- Do you need to pee? - I need to know what's going on.

If there was a hearing, I was entitled to be there. Are you taking-

- Am I going to max? - Remember, I asked.

That warbler looks like the yellow Angry Bird.

Please. Is this about Pennsatucky?

Please.

What happened to her?

- Where are we going? - Into this van.

- Am I going back to camp? - Ask me more questions. Go ahead.

Ripped By mstoll.

Shit. You couldn't warm this bitch up first?

Not a lot of warning on this one.

Please tell me where we're going.

Are we going back to camp?

Just a yes or a no.

- Hey. - A head nod.

What's up with the Mila Kunis chick from New Year's?

Total psycho. She texted me yesterday, “How 'bout we meet before 10:00 PM sometime.”

With a period, not a question mark.

The fuck? Ordering me around.

And she's got that Kunis face, but she does not have that Kunis ass...

and you gotta have that Kunis ass if you're gonna be tellin', not asking.

Got to have that ass. Can't abide by demanding flat-ass poochies.

- Mm-mmm. - “Poochies”?

Can't say “bitches” no more. It's degrading.

Van nine, you're cleared to go.

On the gate. Open at the gate.

Processing out.

Processing out? Processing out of the SHU?

- I'm diggin' the fresh shave. - No?

No. Then what am I processing out of?

Come around back.

What am I processing out of?

Good luck with it, Chapman.

Is that for me?

Hey, these things-

These are really tight.

- Yep. - I still have basic human rights.

You cannot put me on a mystery bus in the middle of the night...

and not tell me where I'm going.

I demand to know where I am being taken.

Can't abide demanding poochies.

Get your flat-ass on the bus.

Take a seat.

Have eyes on that inmate transport?

Inmate!

Cool it.

He's looking.

- So? - So we'll get in trouble.

No one's getting in trouble, Piper.

Last year Marcy Klein broke her ankle.

She had to get pins in it or something.

Yeah, 'cause she tried to do a herkie on her way out.

Come on. We're all going to Ryan's after.

We're getting close. You guys ready?

Ew. He wears cologne. It's gross.

If my dad finds out, I'm totally getting grounded.

And if your dad doesn't find out, maybe we'll be invited to Ryan's New Year's Eve party.

Go into next semester being the same lame losers we are now.

I don't have to jump off a bus to prove I'm fun. I'm fun.

I know that. Just... no one else really does.

Come on.

Here we go. Have a rad Christmas, Ralph.

Go.

- That was so great. - Cool.

Yeah.

Hey. I understand Nicole and Bojing, but why didn't you jump?

I slowed to five miles an hour. It's tradition.

- Unnecessary risk. - You're one of those.

My dad says I should have strength of character, not be a lemming.

Hey, daddy's girl, get the door for me, will ya?

Hey.

- Do you know where we're going? - Hoping for Mississippi.

What?

How can they not tell us where we're going? This is so fucked.

Hush it.

Oh, I should have peed.

Excuse me.

Is there any way that we can stop for a bathroom?

Are we getting off?

Why do you keep thinking I know what the bus schedule is?

I don't know shit. Same as you.

All the way to the back.

It's just that I gotta pee so badly.

They-They have to let us pee, right?

You think I should ask again? Should I ask-

They ain't gonna let you pee. No one told you to wear a pee pad?

- A what? - A pee pad.

Two maxis stacked so they like a maxi-maxi.

Then you just let out a little at a time.

Now some people do two down and then one across the front...

one across the back, like a diaper.

But me, I just do a double stack.

Nobody told me. I've been in Seg for the last month.

I'm doin' it right now.

Line 'em up.

Here we go, ladies. Exit to the front.

An airplane?

- We're getting on a fuckin' airplane? - Let's go.

Stick out your tongue.

All right. Next.

Stick out your tongue.

Up. Up!

I got a tight lingual frenulum.

I really don't need to know about that. Stick it up or I'll rip it out. Come on.

Huh. Oh, Christ.

- That's not mine. - Nice.

Fucker.

- Let me go! - Come on.

Get her covered. Write up assault and occupational exposure, please.

Next.

- You're not a spitter, are ya? - No, sir.

- Not hiding anything? - Just a very, very full bladder.

Stick out your tongue.

Up.

All right. Remind me on the plane. I'll get you to a bathroom.

- Thank you. - Thank you for not peeing your pants.

- Hey, can you tell me where we're going? - Nope. Next.

Let's go. Today.

Just sit tight. I'll be with you in a minute.

Here.

What was that?

It's normal.

It's her first time on a airplane.

I can't talk. I gotta pee.

Can't walk and chew gum at the same time?

Whatever.

Can't have that. Give it up.

Sit. Stay.

Sir?

Um, the restroom?

Ah, right. Uh, let me just get you a female marshal here. Sit tight.

I-I've been sitting tight for about five hours. I'm all good with a male guard.

I'm a marshal. Guards work at the beach.

Please don't mention anything that's near a body of water right now.

- All right. Follow me. - Okay. Thank you.

Don't make me move you broads.

- Where's the, uh- - No door.

Let's go.

Ah.

Everyone's on, sir.

Great. Tell the pilots we're running final security check.

Can you, uh, kinda hurry it up a bit?

I'm going as fast as I can.

Really? 'Cause it sounds a little light.

Better.

In the movies there's always this thing about oxygen masks.

They come out of the ceiling or something. Is someone gonna tell us about those?

- Oh, excuse me. - Hmm. Polite.

Damn. Tight.

You must've really pissed off whoever put these on.

I was a demanding poochie.

Do you tell us where we're going, or do you guys hand out blindfolds when we land?

Ah. Frisky one?

I like that. Seat belts.

- All clear. - All clear.

- All clear! - All clear!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. It's movin'.

We're movin'.

This thing must weigh like a bazillion pounds. How's it gonna fly?

You know, I read once that you have a better chance of dying...

from the food on an airplane than in an actual crash.

Do they serve food on this flight?

Won't that make the plane heavier?

Close the shade...

and pretend you're on the subway.

My cousin died in a subway crash.

What the fuck? Is she asleep?

Boy, I hope so.

- Do you think that I should get somebody? - No! No.

Hell, no.

It must be a stress thing.

When I get agitated, I get this really weird eye twitch...

although it's not happening right now.

I think I've moved beyond stress into something more deeply disturbing.

I got Vaseline.

A friend of mine, she took this flight...

and she said it was so long and so dry that her whole face almost cracked open.

- You want some? - No, thanks.

- I got a whole glob if you want some later. - I don't want any.

I'll take some of that. It's dry as shit in here.

- Come on. Help me out. - Here.

Even if I was willing to touch her ear glob...

and even if I could reach across the aisle with these shackles on and no guard noticing...