Phat Girlz

####

####

All right, boys.

Meow!

Don't fight. Don't fight.

Oh, to the left.

- -

## [ Moaning Becomes Singing High Note ]

##

####

Bring mama home, baby.i Bring mama home, baby.i

- #### - yes.i

- jazmin.i - Say my name, baby.

-Jazmin Nellie Mae Biltmore! - Oh, yes! Full address!

- - Fine, but you made me do it.

Oh, yeah! Oh, yes!

- Ooh! What's cooking? - Soy oatmeal.

- - Come on. Get up before you late for work.

Stacey's gonna be down there blowin' any minute...

and you need to be ready when she comes.

Hell, I'm trying to come too, but your ass keep waking me up...

before I get there, you filthy bitch!

Damn. Bitch can't even get none in her own dreams.

Good morning, beautiful.

Maybe if you stuck to one of your diets...

you could get some in real life.

I hate skinny bitches.

Ever since we were IittIe girIs...

my cousin Mia was a bone, and l was sIightIy Iarger.

WhiIe our mothers were out makin'a Iivin;..

Grandma NeIIie practicaIIy raised us as sisters.

But l hated Mia aII through eIementary schooI...

because she wouIdjust stand by and watch as her skinny friends caIIed me names...

and terrorized mejust 'cause l ain't Iook Iike that.

##

Besides Grandma, my onIy friend was-

God, pIease heIp me Iose weight.

But he didn't seem to be Iistening.

Byjunior high schooI, l was a soIid 200 pounds...

and my schooI-yard entourage consisted of a whopping three peopIe-

me, myseIf and l.

Life as a skinny girI buII's-eye was pretty much routine...

untiI one day this reaI prissy girI named Quaniqua Jackson...

caIIed me a fat bitch in front of Benji Ross.

Now, it wasn't the first time l'd been caIIed that...

but caIIing me that in front of my future husband, baby, that required action.

l don't know what took over me, but the next thing l knew...

Miss Quaniqua Jackson was seein'stars.

Now, l Iearned a very vaIuabIe Iesson that day, and that was...

if l couIdn't get respect because l wasn't a stick...

then l'd get respect because l was a stone.

What's up, L.A.? Good morning.

Time to get up and go to work. lt's another beautifuI day in Southern CaIifornia...

and you better Ieave on time 'cause traffic is a mother.

- - l'm coming, girI.i

- Come on.i - All right.

- - As soon as I find something to wear.

All right.

Damn it! What the hell?

-#### -

I swear these clothes are shrinking.

No, porky, your big ass just gettin' fatter.

- - I'm coming, Stace! Damn!

I need some Crisco. Oh! Is this the wrong hole?

Wait a minute. Oh, sh-

####

Not my sexiest combo, but I still look good.

Too hot for 'em,Jaz.

####

- Child, come on before we get late. - All right.

I ain't gonna carpool with you no more if you can't be on time.

All right, all right, all right, all right, all right. I couldn't find nothing to wear.

All them clothes in your closet?

Ain't my fault the stores make all the cute stuff in junior sizes.

-That should tell you somethin'. -Yeah, I need to keep sewing my own shit.

- Or that fat girls can't wear everything skinny girls can. - I ain't fat.

- I'm sexy succulent. - Get in the car.

####

####

See, this is why we need to start leaving earlier.

Cookie?

You know I'm trying to stick to my diet.

Oh, okay, now, if I order an exercise video...

and 1 0 bottles of Metabo Pills...

I could win me a trip to Palm Springs.

One of them sweepstakes entries.

It's like all them other diet products you got- gimmicks.

All right, but you ain't gonna be saying that when I get bootylicious like Beyonce.

I think you got her beat in the booty department.

- - Give me these damn cookies.

- Uh, hi. - Hey, sweetie.

Could you tell me which one of these shirts...

um, goes better with these jeans?

Come on, baby. Let's go get you a money outfit.

- Excuse me. Excuse me, miss. - Yeah?

Can I get your honest opinion?

- Sure. - Do I look fat in this?

No, Twiggy, I look fat in this. You look ugly in that.

- It's a perfect fit. - Thanks. I'll take it!

I hate skinny bitches.

You took the words right out of my mouth.

That's a damn shame.

Brother know he need to be spending his hard-earned money on a sister.

If I see another white girl with one of our men, I swear I'm gonna shoot somebody.

- Better get your gun cocked. - What?

- - Oh, hell, no.

O.J. didn't teach you nothin'.

####

####

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

My hair! Did it get me?

Breathe. Count to 1 0. Breathe. Count to 1 0.

Why don't people watch where they're drinking?

you stiII Iook good.

Stay caIm. Here. Here. Take my car, go change...

and just be back before lunch.

Who can even fit in a size zero?

A bitch with no ass, no thighs and hips as wide as my forearms.

- Come on, girl. Let's go to lunch. - Can't. l just sent KeIIy.

l need you to go work in the pIus-size department untiI she gets back.

No, Stace, no. I can't go work in that department.

Look at that pitifuI-ass excuse for fashion over there.

Stace, even you don't wear that stuff.

Who do they actually believe is gonna buy that shit?

See what I mean? Now, how's she gonna get a man in that?

We probabIy Iook Iike that.

But she waddles. We don't waddle.

- Do we? - Hell, no, we don't waddle.

Now, we might jiggle just a little...

but we don't waddle.

- Good. -

Ooh, Miss Thing!

I will work the hell out of that top, and I'm straight as an arrow.

- you Iike it, Ramon? - Girl, I love it. It is phat.

P-H-A-T. ''Pretty, hot and thick.''

- Okay, bitch. I didn't know where you was goin' with that ''phat.'' - Thank you.

And while you bullshittin', I heard that man over there...

And while you bullshittin', I heard that man over there...

is the head buyer of the whoIe BIoomfeId's.

You need to go on over there and show him your sketches and flatter him...

into Iaunching you a Iine, girI.

- The one next to dickface? - Yeah, but I wouldn't call him that when you go over there.

Well, I ain't the one who named him Richard.

Now, how you get ''Dick'' out of''Richard'' anyway?

You back up very carefully.

You did not hear that.

- So y'all think I should go over there? - Damn right, girl.

Yeah,Jaz, go over there. Show him your sketches, girl. Be bold.

- Mm-hmm. - Well, come with me, Stace.

- No. - See?

AII right, Iet's do it. Okay, give me the pound.

- Okay. All right now. - All right, here we go.

Get up on his grille. Sell him that stuff.

Oh, no.

Yes,Jazmin? What can I do for you?

Well, actually, I wanted to talk to him.

Is that the head buyer of Bloomfeld's?

And that information is pertinent to you because?

- Well, I want to show him my fashion design sketches. - Absolutely not.

Robert Myer is an extremely busy man...

and doesn't have time to entertain your amateur sketches.

Maybe he can just take a look and tell me if I've got potential.

I got this whole book of plus-size designs.

Since our plus-size selection could use some help, I thought he might be interested.

I can assure you he's not.

But he's standing right there. Can I just talk to him?

You wouldn't believe how many big women come up to me on the street every day...

wantin' to know where I got my outfit from.

And frankly, I don't give a damn.

Look,Jazmin, launching a clothing line is much more than a notion...

and takes a lot of things that you don't have.

Now, I have work to do and so do you if you appreciate your job here.

Go... Bloomfeld's!

l'm gonna start my Iine. l'm gonna show dickface. l'm gonna get me a bank Ioan.

Jaz, girl, you know I'm down for you for whatever...

but bank Ioans aren't easy to get.

They ain't just handing 'em out.

Then I'll do whatever it takes, Stace.

- You serious about this, huh? - Damn right I'm serious.

I'm sorry, Ms. Biltmore, your loan application has been denied.

- Denied? - Uh, due to...

insufficient collateral.

Yes, unfortunately, although the home that your...

sweet Grandma Nellie left you...

is located in what some might classify...

as an upper-middle-class neighborhood...

uh, the bank classifies it as a high-risk zone.

- You mean a ''black zone.'' - Ms. Biltmore, this is not a race issue.

No, no. We here at First Plantation Bank are an equal-opportunity lender.

lt says so right there on our brochure.

Sir, listen to me, okay? Jazmin Biltmore don't beg nobody...

but I really need this loan.

And my cIothing Iine is a surefire moneymaker, 'cause big girIs Iike myseIf.;.

we have a hard time finding trendy clothes to wear.

And consequently, we have a hard time finding dates too, if you know what I mean.

But, um, l didn't come in here to get aII up in my personaI business...

but, Mr. Banker, I ain't been laid in nine months, hear?

Nine long months.

- - So if-if you wouId...

give me the loan to help me get my line off the ground...