Melissa & Joey

Melissa & joey is recorded in front of a live studio audience.

1500 bucks for a storage locker?

Why are they bidding so much?

Well, 'cause he's just trying to screw the other guy over.

See, it's not really about the storage.

It's about the war.

All boys out

'cause I got a friend coming over.

Where're your television manners?

I'm out.

Leave my beer.

Yeah, I was just clearing.

So let me guess.

10 o'clock at night cookie dough--

One of your gal pals just got dumped

And you're the friend that's on call.

Yeah, you got a problem with that?

Women are supportive of their friends

No matter the hour.

Oh my god, you're being defensive.

It's anita, isn't it?

So what if it is? She's one of my oldest friends.

Yeah, sure. One of your oldest friends

That ruined your 20th birthday party

When she was making out with your boyfriend.

Oh, and ruined your 25th birthday party

When she put ecstasy in your punch.

And ruined your 30th birthday party

Who was dressed up as a cop and then he robbed everybody.

Oh, you do listen to my stories.

Well, yeah, sure. The anita one's stick

Because of all the crazy glue.

Mel, this girl is no good for you.

You've outgrown her.

She needs me.

She gives me these puppy-dog eyes.

- And I can't say no. - ( doorbell rings )

Don't do it. Don't open that door, mel,

In the first three minutes of a horror movie.

I am capable of boundaries.

You know, it'll be one hour,

Some cookie dough, a cleansing cry,

And it's good night, anita.

Yeah, okay. That could work...

If you drive a stake through her heart.

- Melly. - Anita.

- Aww. - Hi.

Oh, look at me.

I am a raw open wound

And you're the beautiful nurse I need.

Oh, that I am.

Okay, well,

Let's get you hooked up to a cookie dough I.V.

And talk about what a jerk that henry is.

For only an hour...

'cause that's all the time he deserves.

Actually, the medicine I need to get over henry

Is a few martinis and a cute bartender.

I know about a party downtown. We got to go.

No, no, no.

This girl's not going anywhere tonight.

But you're the only one I can count on.

There is no one else,

Nurse?

But I have a really big meeting with the mayor

First thing in the morning.

Oh, but mel...

Okay, I'm not putting on my little black dress

And my platform heels and going out tonight.

Not gonna happen.

I need aspirin.

Horse aspirin.

There's a guy in my head with a hammer

And one of us must die.

Uh, you're just getting home?

What happened to one hour and bye-bye, anita?

Uh, you have no idea of the power of the puppy-dog eyes.

I realize this meeting's been set for three weeks

And I'm so sorry I missed it, but I was really hoping

That the mayor might be able to reschedule

For some time later today.

- Please don't laugh. - ( dial tone )

Hello.

Anita made you miss your meeting with the mayor?

look at that. She's ruining your life

And it's not even your birthday.

You know what? I'm gonna call back

And say my great-aunt agnes died.

Yeah, and it's not a lie because she did die

Like eight years ago.

Look at what holly's done to me.

Holly? I thought your ex-girlfriend

Was done doing things to you.

No, look, last week she unfriended me

And everyone's followed her like sheep.

I used to have 683.

Now I'm down to the 400s.

I have less than grandma.

Well, your grandma rocks a little harder than you do.

It's eroding my self-esteem.

You know what would be good for your self-esteem?

To impress your teacher, which is me.

You still owe me that thousand word essay

On a shakespeare play.

Friggin' shakespeare.

ooh, I wrote 500 plays.

I kissed gwyneth paltrow.

Well, on her death bed, my aunt agnes said

"honey, do well with that meeting with the mayor."

- ( dial tone ) - hello?

Hello?

I don't understand why you just didn't

It's not like you were handcuffed to her.

Actually, I was handcuffed to her.

Anita dragged me to a very strange party.

No, not that kind of party.

There was a magician and not a very good one.

Yeah, have you ever tried to find a 24-hour locksmith

With a passed-out woman attached to you?

No comment.

What else needs to happen

What, does she need to set you on fire?

Oh, she already did that.

Spring break junior year,

She talked me into doing flaming body shots.

The good news, I didn't have to get

A bikini wax for a whole year.

Look, you need to get rid of this friend and you know I'm right.

I know, but how do you end it with a friend?

The same way you end it with an employee.

Look, in my previous life, before this kitchen,

I fired a lot of people and I fired them well.

Look, let me show you how it's done.

Okay, you be anita and I'll be you.

- Okay. - All right.

Anita, hey, listen.

Effective today, I'm terminating

This friendship between the two of us.

This is a very difficult conversation to have,

But neither are we mutually benefiting

From this relationship anymore.

But I am sure that with your winning attitude

And your positive personality,

That you will find a new friend in no time.

Thank you so much. Good luck.

I didn't get to say anything.

Yeah, that's how it works. You've just been fired...

By the best.

Hey, hey!

Don't make me call security.

Oh man, I need to see what time I'm supposed to pick up my little sister,

But my phones dead. Can I borrow yours?

Oh, yeah, sure.

My passcode is 2742,

Oh my god.

I just gave you my passcode.

Wow, that's true. You did.

I never did that before with a boy.

I'm your first?

You are.

Mine's 8432.

Uh, I'll never forget it.

Wait, what was it again?

- 8432. - Right.

- Yeah. - Speaking of numbers,

I was wondering, did you ever get your s.A.T. Scores?

No.

Nah, I don't know what happened.

It's weird, you know?

They sent it to the wrong email, I guess.

Maybe s.A.T. Stands for "sorry about that."

Hey, guys. You two are so cute.

When I used to tell my mom

That I was at my boyfriend's studying,

We were actually...

Studying, just studying. Carry on.

Aren't you curious, though?

I mean it's kind of important.

No, the colleges see the s.A.T. Scores

So I don't need to see mine.

Not like it's gonna change my life.

Uh, you are so evolved.

He is so lying! Why is he lying?!

I showed him mine and he won't show me his.

And just to be clear,

We're still talking about s.A.T. Scores here?

What's he hiding?

We just swapped phone passcodes

And now he's keeping secrets?

Men are sensitive about the size of their scores.

Oh, so you think he didn't do so hot.

Lennox, you did extremely well.

I'm sure he's embarrassed

And afraid you won't want to date him

When you find out his scores are...

Well, technically, ( squeaks ).

Well, I'm not gonna judge him for his score.

I mean, if I did better, I did better.

Honey, you have to be careful

With guys and their egos.