Do Us Part

Ladies and Ben, how are we doing?

Hello.

How's the bride?

Cool and collected. How else?

How's my brother?

He tried to run, so I tied him up.

Oh...

kinky.

I show up to the University of Virginia

fall semester, freshman year,

confident, charming,

already well experienced in the sexual arts.

-Mark. -Who should be my roommate,

but a skinny, book-reading mama's boy.

You cried that first night,

-I remember. Mark.

Still dating his high school sweetheart.

Come all the way to Virginia from bumfuck, Missouri...

St. Louis.

Thinking he was there

for an education in higher learning,

only to realize that he was actually there

for an education in the worldly ways

from his soon-to-be best friend and eventual best man, Mark.

Yes, he taught me so much.

Listen, I left my cufflinks in the overnight bag.

I might need you to grab them.

Drink.

I don't wanna get drunk.

I didn't say to get drunk.

I said have a drink. Come on.

Last thing you want is to be tense at the altar.

Last thing I want is be distracted

because I have to piss.

God...

dammit!

There you go.

Settle those nerves.

You know, monogamy doesn't scare some of us

as much as it scares others.

Who says it scares me?

You have six different Stephanies in your phone.

Yeah, that was a popular name in the '90s.

Plus, I watched a lot of "Full House" growing up.

I'm pretty sure that

Jodie Sweetin taught me everything there is

to ever know about lust.

You could at least get their last names.

I'm sure Stephanie Red Hair would appreciate the effort.

Stephanie Red Hair appreciates effort,

plenty, Ryan, trust me.

If you want,

I could call her Stephanie Old Faithful.

Why Old Faithful?

What is Old Faithful, Ryan?

A geyser.

Oh goddammit, dammit!

Bring a snorkel!

Nope, nope.

Where are the guys?

I asked Ben to round everybody up

to get ready to see people.

A little early, no?

Maybe.

I wanna spend the rest of the time alone.

Oh, shit. Say no more.

-I'll get out of here. -No, no, not...

You know what I thought on move-in day?

Oh shit, my roommate's awesome.

He'll probably wingman the shit outta me.

Oh shit, my roommate's a blowhard,

troglodyte-wannabe jockstrap high-school baseball star

who thinks college is for keggers

and to have as much sex as possible.

Come on. Was I so bad?

I wanted to thank you.

You're welcome.

For what?

For better or for worse,

you did become my best friend.

I didn't have a brother, so.

You took that what was it?

Skinny, book-reading mama's boy.

You helped me come into my own,

and in the end,

you did wingman the hell outta me.

You're still a book-reading mama's boy.

I am, yes.

But if it weren't for you,

I wouldn't be here today.

Trust me, dude, the reason she's marrying you are yours,

not mine.

Having some trouble?

Stupid zipper's caught.

I hate that.

What are you tabling for?

Pancakes for Parkinson's.

You wanna volunteer?

Not entirely sure you want me to.

The one time I tried to cook pancakes,

it ended in disaster.

Oh my!

A disaster, huh?

I either burned them or I flipped too early,

and they fell apart.

You gotta wait till you count five bubbles in the batter.

Five bubbles?

Yeah, then you know it's cooked enough

to handle the flip.

All right, I'm in then.

Oh, I'm Rose.

I am Ryan.

Thanks for volunteering.

Yeah.

Are you on the committee?

I am.

My dad has Parkinson's actually, so.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

No worries.

We're just glad you're helping us out.

Well, some people are doctors.

Some people ruin pancakes at charity events.

We all do our part.

So where do you live?

I live on 14th Street with my friends Mark and Ben.

Oh, nice.

I'm in the Pi Phi house.

Of course you are.

What is that supposed to mean?

You just seem like a Pi Phi.

Oh, I see, and how do Pi Phis seem?

It's not a bad thing.

Oh, hold on. Sorry, my phone.

Hey.

Oh yeah, I just got finished signing up volunteers.

Okay, another night then.

All right, no worries.

Okay.

Bye.

Boyfriend?

Oh, we're sort of on-again, off-again.

And right now you're...

Mostly off, I guess.

Hey, I got some friends meeting up

at the Virginian tonight.

You should come.

Sure, that sounds like fun.

I love the Virginian.

Yeah, I love a good glory hole.

-What? -A glory hole.

What do you mean?

You know, like a small, rundown,

out-of-the-way, charming place.

You mean a hole in the wall?

Hole in the wall.

What's a glory hole?

You know, it's your last chance.

For what?

Tell me I'm making a huge mistake.

Getting married?

Well, marrying her.

Why would that be a mistake?

I don't know.

You told Ben he was crazy when he proposed to Livia.

He was crazy.

He proposed in college like a horny Mormon.

They're still together, though.

Yes, I was wrong.

True love is real.

Some people do find happiness.

Blah, blah, blah.

Have you seen her today?

I have.

How does she look?

Hideous.

She looks great, man.

How the hell do you think she looks?

She's in a pretty white dress.

She can't stop smiling.

Shit, shit, shit, shit.

Okay, Rose.

You can do this.

You just...

you just walk up and...

you just, you just walk up and...

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

Fuck!

Hmm.

You know, that's why God made clip-ons.

I'm not wearing a clip-on to my wedding.

Oh yeah, it's my wedding.

Everything has to be authentic.

I'll go download instructions.

Hey, you're here.

-I'll go. -No, no need, man.

We're gonna have a few drinks before we head out tonight.

-It's Monday. -Neat thing about Ryan,

you'll be surprised to learn:

he looks like a man,

but he's actually a calendar.