Bloodbath at the House of Death

Ow, shit! Fuck, ow.

No! No!

No!

Please, no!

No, don't hurt me! Not me! Don't hurt me!

Let me go!

Please don't hurt me! I won't tell anyone, I swear!

I swear, only don't hurt me!

You know, you're really a very attractive man.

You are. You really are.

You know, just, you and I, we could have a really good… good time together.

I know what you want. You want these, don't you?

Hmm.

Oh, my God, did you say "to take away"?

Colin, get this lot out of here, 'cause I'm coming 'round.

I can't see what I'm doing here.

-Go on, get on with it. -Right-o, guv.

Two-one-three-two.

Oscar delta two.

-Did you see that? -What?

That road sign back there. I think it said the B2067.

Did it?

I don't know. That's why I'm asking you.

Because if it did, then we're on the wrong road again.

Oh, I wouldn't worry. We'll be all right.

We're supposed to be on the A5027.

We'll keep an eye out. We'll see another sign.

Or we could even stop and ask somebody.

This is stupid.

It's not stupid at all.

We're dedicated scientists, and there have been strange,

inexplicable radioactive readings picked up in this area

which have been traced to a particular house,

and we are on a secret government mission with other scientists

to investigate this bizarre phenomenon.

It's as simple as that.

Yes, but right now,

I'm trying to read this map.

I find this case enthralling.

-Have you read all the reports? - Yes.

Well, if you had, you'd know about the strange things

that have taken place in that house years ago.

Do you realise that 18 people were murdered there one night?

Coincidence. And anyway, lightning never strikes twice.

Well, it did that night.

Two people were struck by lightning, two throats were slit,

one was hung, two were axed,

four people were skewered in the same bed.

And a man watching simply blew up.

- What happened to the other six? -What?

You said there were 18.

Oh, yes, yes, the other six.

They were found frozen to death in the deep freeze,

all wrapped in cling film.

They'd been shot.

-Bullshit. -What do you mean, bullshit?

Because it is, that's why.

I mean, so what if 18 people were killed there in one night?

There could be any number of logical explanations for that.

And anyway, it was years ago.

Are you sure this is the A5027?

Well, how should I know?

All these country roads look alike to me.

-Anyway, you've got the map. -Have I?

Do you always drink like that?

My dear, we are but humble scientists

accidentally thrown together in this macabre investigation.

I see no reason why my drinking habits should be called in question.

Excuse me, I wonder if you could tell us if we're on the right road.

We're looking for a place called Headstone Manor.

I don't understand. Have I… Have I said something wrong?

I don't un--

Oh, I'm terribly sorry. I--

Thank you. Awfully sorry.

Eighteen people murdered in one night.

It certainly gives one something to think about.

The work of a maniac, I'd say. Wouldn't you?

Hmm, I'm not so sure.

What do you mean?

Well, how do you account for the, uh, radioactivity readings?

What are you trying to say?

I'm trying to say there's something here that doesn't smell quite right.

Yes, I know, I'm terribly sorry. I'll open the window.

You see, there were radioactivity readings

at the time of the murders,

and the killer was never found.

Plus the fact that 200 years ago,

a very similar incident happened in that house.

Add all those things together, and well, need I go on?

Yes.

- Well, it's obvious, isn't it? -What is?

All the facts are there.

That's just it, all the facts aren't there.

One can't assume these things. That's the trouble with life today.

Too many people assume things and then form opinions

wrongly based on false assumptions.

- You mean… -Precisely.

People always assume because I'm not interested in football

or swilling beer in the local pub every night,

and would rather stay at home and run up a new pair of curtains,

I must therefore, in some way, be less than a man.

My experience exactly.

-Why don't we just get out of here? -No, not yet.

Have you noticed that strange mark on the wall?

Yes.

It's only an emblem of some sort. What about it?

I'm sure I've seen it somewhere before.

Look at those men playing cards over there.

Interesting.

What do you make of it?

Nothing.

Another pint of your regular, please, Becky dear.

This isn't the bar. It's over there.

I'm sorry. I… I'm thanking you.

Stay away from the house of death.

-I think this is it? -What?

Look, look. Are you talking about Headstone Manor?

Stay on the road, keep out the woods.

Which way did you say the bar was?

It's over there.

I'd be thanking you.

Eighteen in one night?

Hmm. God, that must've put you off sex for life.

Not really. Life goes on.

You're one brave lady. I suppose you had a psychiatrist.

Yes, one of them was a psychiatrist.

-You're kidding me? -No, he was the last one.

And he made me tell about the other 17.

Oh, God, some people are disgusting.

Well, that's enough about me anyway.

Let's talk about you.

Well, there's not much to tell, really.

After a brilliant career at university,

I entered the field of paranormal research.

And when they offered me the chance to come to England

on this type of investigation, I jumped at it.

No deep, dark secrets then?

Well…

I'm not sure.

You see, I, uh… I suffer from a rare type of amnesia.

My brain works perfectly in relation to my work,

and general everyday details,

even complex intellectual exercises,

but when it comes to my personal life and relationships and feelings,

I just can't remember.

It all started when this mole appeared on my arm.

I thought that was a birthmark.

You thought what was a birthmark?

But you can't blame the locals for being suspicious, love.

I mean, we've had some strange things happen around here.

-Yes. -And all because of that house.

You know what happened up there, don't you, love?

Only too well.

There were 18 people murdered.

Yes, yes, no, I do know actually because he told me. Thank you.

-Two were struck by lightning. -Yes.

Two throats were slit.

One hanged. Two had an axe in their head.

-Yes. -Four people skewered in a bed.

-And six in the freezer. -What?

Well, six were frozen, you see, and, uh, wrapped in cling film.

No, no, love, not six, 'cause that would make 19.

No. Twelve and six are 18.

I know that, love, but there were 13 without the freezer.

Look, we've got it wrong. Let's count them.

-Look, um, two were struck by lightning. -Right.

-Two throats were slit. -That makes four.

-One hung and two axed. -Hanged.

All right, hanged. And one blew up.

No, it was the four in the bed next.

-That's right, four skewered. -And one blew up.

No, wait a minute. We've counted him twice.

-Have we? -No, you haven't.

No, I have-- Oh, yes, I have.

That was old Ralph from down the road, you know.

No, no. No, it wasn't.

No, Ralph didn't blow up.

Ralph was in the freezer with the other five.

Oh, that'd make sense 'cause there were six in the freezer. I remember that.

No, Ralph wasn't one of them. He blew up.

'Cause I remember his missus said she could only recognise him by his watch.

So wait a minute, where are we?

There were never five in the bed.

No, no, no, there were four in the bed.

Four in the bed.

Two struck by lightning.

Two struck by lightning.

Two throats were slit.

Two throats were slit.

-One hanged. - One hanged.

-Another Bloody Mary, love? -Yes, please.

-Um, one hanged. -One hanged.

-One hanged. -Yes.

There was one axed.

No, no, no, no, there were two axed.

Six were shot.

Two struck by lightning.

Time, gentlemen, please! Come on now!

Why couldn't you have done this before they closed the pub?

Sorry, won't be long.