Alien Apocalypse

In the beginning,

there was the heavens and the earth.

And it was green.

And the land was fertile and abundant

with vast forests and millions of trees.

And it was good.

Trees of every sort and variety,

enormous Douglas firs,

mighty oaks, giant redwoods, and fragrant pines.

One could walk for miles under the canopy

of the great woods,

not knowing if it was daylight or twilight.

But that was long ago,

before the invasion and the infestation and the mites.

A plague of misery had befallen us.

We, the chosen people of Earth,

humans were shackled in bondage.

Okay, let's get it moving.

Go on, step up.

Keep moving, move.

You know, I was just wondering.

What now, doctor?

I was just wondering if there were as many doctors

practicing now as when we left.

Why is that, pray tell?

Well, it's the old theory of supply and demand.

I mean, if there are more, then I can't charge as much

'cause the rates go down.

But if there aren't as many, I can charge whatever I want.

Whatever the market will bear.

There is no market, and there are no doctors here, right?

Then my services will be in great demand, won't they?

Hey, civilization has been destroyed.

Why else wouldn't they have made radio contact, huh?

'Cause everything's gone, that's why.

In the 40 years we've been in cryogenic sleep,

the world was been decimated and we're all gonna die.

Boy, did you wake up on the wrong side of the capsule.

Why don't you can it, lieutenant?

Just take a break.

What are you talking about, doc?

Have I told you lately that you look terrific

in a flight suit?

Not in the 20 years since we placed the probe.

Well, you do.

And I won't wait 20 more to tell you that again.

My neck hurts.

You probably slept in the wrong position

for the past five or six years.

Remind me, I'll give you an adjustment.

Where was I?

- Supply and demand. - Ah yes.

Oh brother, here we go again.

Well, come on, astronauts might be a dime a dozen

in the future.

Everyone might have a spaceship in their backyard.

Right, and everyone might have a medical degree too.

The average person might know more about medicine

than you ever learned.

Aha, what do you say to that, doctor?

I say that's the way I got it worked out.

My services will be at a high premium.

Okay?

In fact, osteopaths will be in greater demand than MD's.

My current theory is that the world will be a utopia,

excluding MD's, of course,

and I'll be known as The Great Healer.

What, don't you have confidence in my abilities?

No, I don't think it matters what you think.

Nothing ever works out the way it's supposed to.

And neither will any of your theories.

What I think, people,

is that we're all breathing high levels of radiation.

And we'll all be dead by nightfall.

You must be a fun date.

Anyway, in utopia, which is now,

I will be known as The Great Healer.

I'll charge exorbitant fees.

Sickness will be eradicated, and everyone will be happy.

Which leads me to my next theory.

Holy mackerel, this is gonna be a long future.

Zip it, doctor.

Wasn't Portland in the middle of the woods?

Yeah, I thought so.

I told you so.

What else could kill all the trees like that?

It's radiation.

Radiation, we're all getting cancer right now.

I can feel it.

I can feel my skin burning.

Ow.

What did you do that for?

I didn't do anything.

Come on, step up.

Move it.

What the hell is that?

It's utopia.

Let's get the hell out of here.

Yeah.

They sure dress funny.

Yeah.

My name is Captain Chuck Burkes,

United States Air Force.

Greetings.

What did you say?

Uh, greetings.

We're friends.

He did it again.

He sure did.

I don't know where you're from with your funny clothes,

but you don't never talk to us!

Never!

Come on.

Aida, get down.

Get back!

Move it, move it!

Our sense of hope was almost gone.

We had nothing worthwhile to believe in.

But that was all soon to change.

That was the day the doctor appeared.

He came forth from the desert to heal humanity's wounds,

to teach us once again to stand up straight as men,

to set us free.

Come on, move it!

Move!

Do you hear me?

I said move!

Move it, move it!

Move it, move it!

Stop, slaves.

What you got?

18.

A puny lot.

They were strong enough to run through Portland.

They can stack the damn wood.

These ones here are strangely dressed.

Must be from a different district.

A different district?

Wow, that must be good.

We're in luck.

Yeah, let's go tell the mites.

Or should we wait?

Nah, they're not gonna bite our heads off.

Don't you do nothing with these till we get back.

Take these three over to the loading dock

and get 'em working.

Get moving, slaves.

Come on.

Go on.

Come on.

Go on.

You can't stop working.

That holds up the whole show.

Then I get in trouble, so now you're in trouble.

Hey hey!

Get back to work!

Come on, let's go!

Come on!

Move it!

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Move!

Get going, move!

Come on!

Unmask them.

Unmask them now.

Tell me now, who are you?

I said, tell me now.

Who are you?

Who are you?

Who are you?

Who am I?

I am the leader, the leader of this district.

Leader?

You're not even human.

No, nor would I ever want to be a human.

Now, tell me now what district are you from?

Be quick.

I'm from Michigan.

Michigan.

That is a district quite far away from here.

Where are you from?

Oregon, we are in Oregon.

No no no, you're not from Earth.

What planet are you from?

There, does that help you to understand?

Yeah, that was funny.

Look, I want some answers and I want them now.

What's going on, what are you aliens doing here?

He does not have the respect for his superiors

that all humans naturally come by.

That cannot be allowed, never allowed.

Stop it.

That is our favorite delicacy next to wood.

Never tempt us.

Now, where are you from?

We're astronauts.

We've been in space for 40 years.

We put a probe in deep space.