Top Gear

Tonight, a sausage gets burnt,

a sheep falls over,

and our track is all wet.

CROWD CHEERS AND APPLAUDS

Hello! Hello, everybody. Hello.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Now, you may remember, a couple of years ago, we were contacted

by a German car programme, asking us to boost their ratings.

You mean "take us on in a series of motoring-related challenges".

Yes, that. Anyway, we did what he just said,

and we didn't just beat them - with a little bit of cheating, we humiliated them.

Yeah, but despite the futility of taking us on,

we've now had a letter from the people who make Top Gear in Australia.

It's basically the same programmeas ours but with silly accents. Yeah. I've got the letter here.

It says, "Dear Top Gear UK, we're coming... " Why am I doing this in a French accent?

"Dear Top Gear UK, we're coming over to your stupid country soon,

"and we want to take you on in a car-based Ashes, you Pommie bas... "

Ahem! Obviously, we picked up their gauntlet, so welcome, everybody,

to Top Gear versus Australia Motoring Jeux Sans Frontieres - Ashes.

"Land of Hope and Glory"

These are the cars we can call on -

the Aston Martin DBS, the Jaguar XKR,

the Caterham Superlight,

the Aerial Atom,

the Bentley Continental, the Range Rooney.

The list goes on and on.

"Waltzing Matilda"

And these are the cars they can field -

the Holden Maloo pickup,

the Holden Commodore saloon...

And that's it.

So, we've got the cars, we've got the place. Where are they?

Should have landed over three hours ago.

You did book them a taxi, didn't you?

Sort of.

I just thought it would be nice for them to arrive back in the country the way their ancestors left.

There's a pleasing circularity to it. Exactly. That is thoughtful.

That is very thoughtful.

No, it is.

So, let's meet the men we'd be up against.

Guys! Ewen Page, who does not have a beard...

.. Steve Pizzati, who does...

.. and Shane Jacobson, who is fat.

Strangely, none of them was very happy about the prison lorry.

That gag was not funny in 1938.

It is here. You've had about 200years to come up with a better gag,and that's it. It's funny!

I want to apologise for cubicle one. You ran out of paper.

To try and stop them whingeing, we let them choose the first event.

OK, working man's one-kilometre drag race.

We'll pit a typical Aussie commercial vehicle

against a typical Pommie commercialvehicle to see which is the fastest. Drag race, eh?

Yeah, what do you say? OK,

it's "a working man's one-kilometre drag race".

This was a cunning move by the Aussies, because it meant

they could go straight in to bat with the Maloo pickup.

See that there?

A six-litre V8. 380 horsepower.

In America, they use the engine out of this in the Corvette. Ah, yeah.

Sadly, we hadn't thought to bring a commercial vehicle.

The bloke who just came and painted my house did have a Jag.

Is that any good? It doesn't make it a commercial vehicle. Not really, no.

I don't think we can really get away with any of these as... They're justgoing to say that we're cheating.

Luckily, Jeremy then remembered he had a mate with a Transit,

so it was brought over, and a pessimistic Hammond climbed aboard.

This is not a good start for us.

This exhaust is blowing badly.

That really suits you, that.

I can't imagine you in anything else, Bruce.

It is just Bruce in a Brucemobile. And look at Nigel over there.

Can we just stand back? Because this is, I'm afraid, going to be...

.. a bloodbath. It is. A bloodbath. Exactly.

Are you still sureyou want to do this? Yes! Yes!

Why do I have to do the first event?

And why does it have to be in an old van?

All I've got to do is watch that little green light and then win.

ENGINES REV

Whoa!

What the hell is in that van?

What is this thing? It's insane!

He's in the weeds! He's blown away!

Yes! Yes, a clear win for the Nigels.

I'm sorry, Bruce, we take that one.

First blood to Nigel.

Sorry, Bruce. Yeah, we forgot about the traditional gesture.

That's not a van. It is a van! It doesn't seem like a van.

It is a van. Did you see the look on Nigel's face when it took off?

They don't believe it's a van!

Pretty impressive. I like your van. And they're all like that. That's standard.

Look, I will prove to you thatit is a van. Behold. What is that?

It even managed to beat you while carrying an engine in the back.

Ready? Hang on.

It says "Jaguar"!

All right, this might be a bit...

Yes. And it's turbocharged, too!

It is slightly turbocharged. Actually, what it is, if I'm honest, it's a Jaguar XJ220.

Ohhh! Did you say we weren't allowed to bring a Jaguar-propelled van?

Well, no. Is it a van? Is a van a commercial vehicle?

You could have warned me. I got the shock of my life!

Honest to God!

After our first-innings victory, Jeremy decided that for the second challenge,

we should re-run a race we'd first tried against the Germans.

OK, guys, it is really straightforward, OK?

The car on the bottom has the accelerator, the gears and brake,

but no steering wheel, because the steering is done by the car on the top.

You got that?

Right. You got it, then, Bruce?

Which one's ours, Nigel?

These are both ours. OK?

We have both these.

Yours are over here.

But... But what? It's upside down!

Yes, but it won't be when you get home and you watch it on TV there. It'll all be the right way up.

We are racing against the Flat Earth Society.

Do you feel kind of light-headed now, being the right way up?

A lot of blood in your feet. I feel cheated. I feellike someone's going to vomit.

You always think that they're happy-go-lucky, the Australians.

It's just solid whingeing. We were until we got here.

Sensitive, flighty, "Oh, no, I don't want to go upside down in a racing car.

"I'll die with sick in my helmet. " What's your problem? You've one here,

and you've got the other two Toyotas over there.

Well, hang on, that's four seats. There's only three of us.

Yes. We are in the same boat.

Obviously, we need four people, so we've got...

Well, there's no other way of putting this. We've got Jodie Kidd.

Yeah. Good for you. So, who've wegot? Elle MacPherson. No. Kylie. No.

Dannii. No. You've got Darren Lyons.

Right. What's his name again?

Darren Lyons. He's the ultimate paparazzi photographer.

So he's famous here? Very.

And look at his hair. We are.

It was time to saddle up. We should talk tactics.

What are the tactics? Well, beat the Australians. OK.

What are you talking about down there? Tactics.

Tactics! You're going to have to really shout.

I can't hear you. It's all right, he doesn't mind shouting.

Hammond? Yes?

One bang for faster, two for slower.

Well, what if you bang for faster twice? That's like slower.

I'll leave a pause.

Hey, look, they're being lowered in, everybody.

I hope he doesn't vomit.

If he vomits, I'm going to vomit.

With the Aussies the right way up, we were ready to begin.

What's the start? The klaxon thing?

KLAXON BLARES Oh, we're off! Go, go, go!

Go on, Jez! Jesus!

Yes! Oh, see the power!

BLEEP!Go!

Already! Oh...

Oh, God, we're going to die.

Yee-ha! Jodie, you're a star!

At the back, Hammond and May werehaving communication problems. Get them on the inside, Hammond. Inside!

Going round the outside. Keep going, steady away! Keeping my foot down...

Come on! Get out of the way!

Quite quickly, my colleagues overtook the Aussies...

Here we go, here we go.

.. mainly because they were still whingeing. Oh, God!

Where are we? I can't see!

I have no reference! And the pap was plainly a bit nervous.

It's unbelievable! I've got no hands!

Tell him to shut up and drive!

BLEEP! At this stage, it looked like it was going to be a Brit one-two.

But then...

Hammond! Yes! Yes!

Ha! Whoa! This is civil war breakingout, right here, right now. Get in!

That's a disaster.

While we were bickering... Go! You've broken my window!

.. the Aussies caught up and engaged us in a good-natured four-way duel.

Catch that Pommie bastard!

We've got them, we've got them, we've got them, we've got them, we've got them! Oh, no!

Even Darren got the bit between histeeth. Come on, move! Out of my way!

This is Aussie driving! Darren, slow down!

You're not a racing driver, you'rea photographer! This is great!

No! An Australian's come through!

We're in the lead!

No!

That's a big one.

'By working together, we eventually pulled out a lead.

'But soon, Jeremy got bored. '

Jodie, get his back wing.

No, we've stalled! Sorry, James, I might have done that on purpose.

Come on, go, go, go! Go!

This made James and Richard very angry, and so, on the last lap,

they exacted their revenge.

Oh, no! Oh, you stupid fool!

Good work, Hammond!

Right, we're in the lead!

We are so in the lead now!

This is ours for the winning!

Oh, they've won.

They've won, they've won. Not good, not good.

With another victory in the bag,

things were looking good for Top Gear UK.

You know what? It was turning out to be like the real Ashes - complete whitewash.

For a sporting nation, they're quitebad at sport, aren't they? It was quite embarrassing.

It's like having a competition to see which country's best at invading Poland, and Germany coming last.

Anyway, we'll pick that up later on, because first of all, let's do the news.

Yes, and first of all, last week,

we featured a motorcycle - a BMW, if I'm not mistaken - a BMW, in your Aerial Atom film,

and we've had a number of complaints that we didn't give enough information about it.