Dudley Do-Right

Narrator: Once upon a time,

in the little village of putting-on-the-ritz,

there lived a wolf named phox.

That's phox with a p-h. P-h-o-x, phox. My card.

Narrator: There was no one so clever at driving a bargain.

Now, this horse is exactly what you need, grandpa.

It's got a three-speed bridle,

matching horseshoes, wide side walls...

It's a steal at 40 bazoozas.

Can I look at its teeth?

Teeth? Teeth?

Are you buying a horse or a beauty queen? Come on, now.

Well, all right. Here's your money.

And here's your horse.

Well, come on, horsey.

Hey, I wanted a live horse!

It was alive, but I didn't say when.

Narrator: Nobody liked the phox with a p-h,

but nobody could ever get the better of him.

One day, the sly phox was tripping through the woods.

Oh, Hardy-har-har.

When he chanced upon a mysterious box sitting in an open glade.

On its top was written this strange legend.

Phox: "To take my treasure, you may try,

"but he who opens me shall diel"

a treasure chest! Ooh, gadzooks, I'm in luck!

Ooh, but whoever opens it shall die,

ergo, I gotta get some dummy to open it for me.

But who would be that much of a nitwit?

Owl

owl

narrator: Desmond dullwit wasn't exactly the village idiot.

But I came in second!

Desmond, old buddy. Ow!

I need somebody to open a box for me.

No, you don't. Whoever opens that box is gonna die.

How'd you know that?

Oh, I was like, listening to the first part of the story, you know?

Oh. So, I ain't gonna open it.

But you must, Desmond.

That box holds a beautiful Princess

who was put under a spell by a wicked witch, remember?

Well, listen.

Narrator: Little did Desmond know that the wily phox

was an accomplished ventriloquist.

Help! Help me, Desmond!

There is somebody in there.

Hey, how does she know my name?

Why, she's been secretly in love with you for years.

Oh, joybells!

Hang on, honey! Lover pumpkin is here!

Sainted aunt Hannah! Oh! Look at that!

Gold. Jewelry. Queen Victoria's spittoon.

I'm rich, rich!

I don't see no Princess, Mr. Phox.

Of course not, you stupid lox.

It was a joke. Get it?

Huh?

Gee.

You go get yourself a big croker sack,

and we'll divide all the treasure.

Half and half. Even-Steven. 80-20.

Yeah, all right, but I'd rather have a Princess.

Narrator: No sooner had Desmond gone,

the wily phox pulled out a croker sack of his own

and began filling it with the priceless treasure.

Meanwhile,

Desmond wandered through the lavender Glen looking for a croker sack.

There he chanced upon a beautiful milk maid.

Owl

hi there, missy.

You wouldn't happen to have an old croker sack on you, would you?

Why, I'm wearing one.

Yeah, I just need it to put my priceless treasure into.

Priceless treasure?

Just a minute, honey.

Here you are.

Ooh, thanks a bunch.

Wait for me, lover pumpkin!

Narrator: The smarmy phox had filled his sack

when he noticed one small coin left in the chest.

An Indian head penny!

Narrator: Of course, the greedy phox had to have it.

Are you kidding? They bring three bazoozas on the open market.

Narrator: But in reaching for that last penny,

phox over-balanced, and...

Here I am, Mr. phox.

Ooh, lookie, he must have left my share for me.

But where did he go?

I'm in the box. Let me out!

Sure you are.

What a kidder.

Get me out of here!

Well, thanks for divvying it up with me, Mr. phox,

wherever you are.

Narrator: And the stupid lox ambled off,

followed by the beautiful milk maid.

Hold up, sugar puss!

Years later, whenever anyone would ask about the phox with the p-h,

the answer was always the same.

Who cares?

As for Desmond dullwit,

he and his beautiful wife lived happily to a ripe old age.

Wait a minute.

The legend said that whoever opened the box would die.

Yep, but they didn't say when.

Narrator: Once upon a time in Canada,

there unfolded a tale of heroes and villains.

And it all began with two boys, a girl and a horse.

Young Nell: I don't know, Dudley.

Choosing what you want to be when you grow up is a very serious matter.

It's not a question of what I want, Nell.

It's my destiny to become a royal Canadian mountie.

I think I'm going to have to get out there

and see the world before I choose.

What a bunch of wimps.

Why? What are you going to be, snidely?

Me? Isn't it obvious? I'm going to be the bad guy.

Why?

'Cause the bad guy has all the fun.

And if you're the bad guy you get to do stuff like this.

Young Nell: Snidely!

And this!

So long, mountie-boy!

I can ride better than that!

I can do this better, too.

Why, Dudley!

Come on, Nell.

Narrator: Though young Nell's heart

was torn between Dudley and snidely,

her two very best friends in the world,

Dudley's mind was filled with nothing but visions

of growing up to be a mountie.

Of course, this surely wouldn't hurt in his quest for the young Nell.

For a mountie is always brave,

and strong and cool.

Let's try that again, shall we?

A mountie is always brave and strong, and...

Narrator: It was 20 years later,

and Dudley do-right had fulfilled his destiny.

He had grown up to be a royal Canadian mountie.

And his faithful horse, horse, who had grown up as well,

was the best-trained horse this side of Ottawa.

Fetch!

Narrator: Okay, so he wasn't that well-trained.

Still, Dudley was a member in good standing

of the royal Canadian mounted police.

He had his own grown-up fort,

he had his own grown-up office.

He had, indeed, grown up to be brave

and strong and cool.

Narrator: Now, Dudley's lifelong rival, snidely k. Whiplash,

had fulfilled his destiny as well.

He had become the bad guy,

and he had brought a bunch of his bad guy friends with him.

Can I help you?

Could you wait till everyone's in, please?

What's the meaning of this?

This is a holdup.

Now, give us all your gold and all your money, or we'll shoot you.

All of you? All of us!

No, wait. Kevin, go and get the money.

Yes, sir. Don't forget the gold.

And don't forget the gold.

It's been a pleasure doing business with you.

We got the money and the gold!

Let's go, boys!

Narrator: Snidely knew the call would go out

to Canada's number one mountie.

Too bad he was tied up with official mountie business.

No, no, no.

The anchovies go on the half with the pepperoni,

and then it's one-quarter garlic and one-quarter olives.

Good! Twenty minutes? That's it.

Thanks, mom. I love you, too.

Narrator: Here we go.

Meanwhile, back at snidely's not-so-secret hideout...

Here's the money, but where's the gold?

Whiplash took it.

Where is whiplash?

He's gotta be here somewhere.

He took off with all the gold.

All we have is this measly $26,000.

We gotta find whip. He's tricked us.

And when we do, we're gonna kill him.

Really slowly.

Yeah, but where is he, huh?

That's a good question.

I heard he was in the Sudan.

Where's that?

In Africa, stupid.

He's supposed to be at the Hilton hotel.

The Hilton, eh?

Mmm.

Come on, boys! Let's go get him!

Was that it was snidely himself

who was sending them to the far reaches of the world.

Yes, he really was a very bad guy.

It's all so easy.

All you have to do