Orange Is the New Black

I've a I ways loved getting clean.

I love baths.

I love showers.

It's my happy place.

Was my happy place.

All inmates in D dorm must be checked for lice.

Repeat, all inmates in D dorm must be checked for lice.

Oh, I'll be out in a sec. I swear.

Mmm-hmm. I'll wait. There best be some hot water left.

There wasn't very much when I started.

Mmm-hmm.

Man, hurry!

All right, okay, okay.

I'm done. I'm out. I'm totally out.

Damn, you got some nice titties.

- Thank you. - You got them TV titties.

They stand up on they own all perky and everything.

Okay.

You know they sell flip-flops at the commissary.

My money's not in yet, so.

You creative. I give you that, high-tits.

Now get the fuck out the way.

Okay.

So, there's an entire pig in there?

Yes.

For four of us?

It's a small pig. I really wanted to use the box.

It was my birthday present.

She's guilty she's leaving. It's a guilt pig-roasting box.

At least you get something.

I'm not getting laid for a year, too, but what do I get?

A baby?

But you can't eat it.

- Are we really gonna eat that? - It's thematic.

You're not serving time in Cuba.

Pigs. Cops.

How the fuck are you going to jail tomorrow?

Prison, not jail.

You're missing my shower.

Polly, I'm really sorry.

I know.

You focus on how you're gonna maintain your eyebrows behind bars.

You may not come back with a unibrow.

Am I allowed to cry?

No. Seriously, no.

- (SIGHS) - Okay, we are ready. Everybody inside.

- Need a hoist? - Yeah.

- Big girl. - (CHUCKLES)

On to the last supper.

- We got to do it. - I know.

God, we really should not have eaten so much.

I know. Come on, we gotta rally.

Okay.

- Make some memories, you know? - Yeah.

You need some spank-bank material.

- Oh, well, I mean, when you say it like that. - Mmm.

Mmm-hmm.

- Wait, I got... - What?

- I gotta pee. - What? No.

- Yeah. - Really?

- I just... - Oh.

- I'll be... I'll be right back. - Oh!

Hey.

Yeah?

You look beautiful.

Thanks.

Oh!

Oh, shit.

What?

You look beautiful, too.

Come on. Get in.

Hey. You're crying.

Shh!

Just fuck me.

Piper.

Shut up.

Please. Please.

Okay.

No visiting today.

Hi, um, I'm here to surrender.

Oh, okay, then.

Did he look surprised to you?

When I said that I was here to surrender? Didn't he look surprised?

Like, "What the hell is she doing here?"

- I didn't notice. - Well, he looked surprised to me.

I look like shit. My eyes are all puffy.

You're worried about how you look?

Well, they're gonna know that I was crying.

It's a sign of weakness. You can't show any weakness.

That's what all of the books said.

Oh, sweetie...

Don't call me sweetie.

Oh, Leonard.

That's better.

I can't take it with me.

Oh.

Oh, okay. Right.

What are you doing?

What?

You can't put that in your pocket.

It's gonna end up at the bottom of the washing machine.

Okay. Um...

Where would you like me to put it then, Piper?

Up your ass.

There's no room. Apparently, my head's already up there.

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

You know what?

- I'm gonna put it in my wallet. Okay? - Mmm-hmm.

And when I get home, I will put it in your jewellery box.

Until I'm short on rent, then I may hock it. But I'll try to get it back before you're out.

We should go.

Okay.

Okay.

Se I f-surrender.

Yeah, well, no one told me either.

Available guards...

Got the paperwork right here.

Name is Chapman.

Yeah. Chap, like when your lips get all dry they're chapped.

Have a seat.

Piper. Rhymes with sniper.

Inmate Robins onto the visit or area.

You hungry?

Not really.

Guard Thomson to the tower.

Eat anyway.

- It's burrata. - Aw.

Thank you.

My mother told her friends I'm doing volunteer work in Africa.

I bet they're all appalled that you've gone somewhere so filthy and dangerous.

So I never carried drugs. Just money.

You were a lesbian?

At the time.

You still a lesbian?

No, I'm not still a lesbian.

You sure?

I once kissed Mary Straley when I was at Miss Porter's school.

But it wasn't for me.

Wow.

Did you know about all this?

No. No, no, I didn't.

I mean, she told me how she traveled after college,

but she failed to mention the lesbian lover

who ran an international drug smuggling ring.

Imagine my surprise.

What on earth did you do with the money?

Well, Grandmother, I wasn't really in it for the money.

Oh, Piper, for heaven's sake!

So this is my last post as a free woman.

- What are you gonna write? Hey! Uh-uh.

Oh, no. You cannot have a phone in here.

This is a federal facility. You have to take that out.

Oh, can I? Am I allowed to go out?

He can take it out.

So no phone?

- You knew that. - Now.

Oh, my God, Larry, by the time I get out

there'll have been, like, three new generations of iPhones.

Sir, I can get an officer to escort you out.

No, I'm going. It's okay, I'm going, okay? I'll be right back, okay?

I'll take the phone to the car, I'll be right back.

Okay? Two seconds.

- Yeah? - Okay.

Two seconds.

Chapman! - Yes.

Yes, that's me. But you have to wait.

You're telling me what I have to do?

Get your ass over here, Chapman, now. Move it.

He's, he's gonna be right back. We've been waiting here for two hours.

And the wait is over.

Here's your temporary ID,

you'll stick this on your uniform when we get to that. Now...

- Here. I'm here. Here I am. - Here he is.

- Who's this? - My fiancé.

Yeah? Good luck with that.

Excuse me?

- Any personal items? - Here.

You can't take this check.

But we called last week. And they told me to bring it.

He has to send it to Iowa. It takes a few weeks to process.

A few weeks? Doesn't she need to buy things?

How it is.

Where do we send it?

Hey, you got that Iowa address?

Any Nudie Judies in here? Skin pics? Naughty stuff?

No. No Nudie Judies.

Time to say goodbye. It might be a while till you can visit, fiancé.

- I love you so much. - I love you, too!

- I'll call you as soon as I can. - Okay.

Okay? Please send that check immediately.

Okay. I will.

I love you. Please keep my website updated.

I love you so much.

It's okay.

It's okay.