Black Books

- Um, how much is this? - £3.

Ahh. Mmm...

Is there something wrong with your head?

Are you wagging it to say no or is it just uncontrollable?

- Uh... - You want the price put down?

Well, I was thinking £2.

Because £3 is just naked profiteering for a book a mere...

912 pages long?

What'll I do with that extra pound?

I'll add an acre to the grounds,

I'll chuck some more koi carp in my piano-shaped pond.

No, I'll build a wing on the National Gallery in my name.

- 2.50. - That's more like it.

- Hm. - Now you're being reasonable.

2.50...

gets you... this much,

you can have the rest for the other 50p.

- But you... - Thank you.

- Bernard... - Don't start, customer lover.

I was just gonna say I'm off to get the paint.

Why? The shop is the way it is because it is the way it is.

Otherwise it wouldn't be the way it is.

- It needs doing. - It has character.

Character is an ambience, a feeling.

It's not something with fur and a beak.

They've moved the nest again.

I was gonna get two brushes, by the way.

You can paint with both hands?

- I was thinking... - No, you just thought you were.

- Well, maybe if... - No!

- But if... - No!

I don't want to be bothered, you big, hairy...

- Oh, hello. - Hello.

- What's the matter with you? - Dunno.

I'm just a big cloud of dunno.

Since my shop closed I feel empty all the time.

You hated your shop.

Yeah, but hating it took up my whole life.

Without it I'm disconnected. I buy things to cheer myself up.

I go to get a paper and I come back with all this.

Chocolate, magazines.

- And a Vauxhall Astra. - Ah.

Well, this is a very difficult time for you, you know.

You should get professional help.

- So I should talk to a... - Barman, yes. The pub, now.

- It's that serious? - Oh, yes.

Manny, can you look after the shop until Manny gets...

You're not busy. Keep an eye on the shop. For an hour.

Sorry, wrong shop.

Manny!

Hello, sir. I am the information point. Can I help you?

I hope so. I was looking for a pair of hobnail boots.

I want to jump on somebody who's ruining my life.

I can explain. I went to get paint

and I went to that big bookshop, Saga Books.

They had coffee and places to sit.

I thought, "We need to be more like them."

I walked in and I instantly bought £114 worth of books,

all because it was so nice.

Look at this. A novel by a 12-year-old Spaniard.

An account of the Nazi space programme.

- Er... - This won't work!

A large-print biography of Basil Brush.

Actually, that's quite good.

No one needs sofas that eat you. No one needs information points.

Fran did. She wanted something to occupy her,

so I suggested she check out her family tree.

And I informed her of our new genealogy section.

Hey right, if you trace it back, and I might be wrong about this,

I come from a very good line

and apparently, I am Queen Victoria's...

uncle.

- I'll start again. - It's all going back to how it was.

Coffee and books is a fad.

Nobody is gonna be fooled by this.

Excuse me, could I have these, please?

- They're £80. - It's a lot, isn't it?

But your information point showed me where they were,

I sat on your comfortable sofa and scanned them and thought,

"Oh, treat yourself."

Come again!

With coffee that good, I think I will.

Bernard, Bernard, put your thing on.

I'm back now.

I KNOW!

I've been to the shops. That deserves a star.

No, stars are for achievement.

My 40th cigarette this afternoon,

that deserves a star.

OK, this is brilliant.

I had another go at my family tree

and I've got relatives from eastern Europe

living practically round the corner!

- Is that news or what? - Ooh.

It's amazing, putting it together.

Stop me if this gets boring. You check the records...

Stop.

Well, I don't care. Because I've got roots.

I don't need you.

Sorry to be such a BORE!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I am going to be with my people.

Um...

- poliknish. - Poliknish!

No, no, don't wipe.

You've never had a traditional Tishtayan kiss before.

You poor girl!

- Here she is. - Oh, Fran! Poliknish!

This is Frederic.

Martina.

And Gregor.

Naughty!

- Our long-Iost cousin. - Sit, Fran, sit.

Drink bean tea with us.

Oh, it's in a little glass.

No, no, that's your right hand.

That's how they drink tea in Athbekistan.

Anyone who drinks tea with their right hand is an enemy.

Hooray.

So, tell us all about yourself, Fran.

- Well, I was born... - Do you have a car?

Yes. I mean, it's just an Astra.

To have such a success in our family.

Someone who owns an Astra!

P-Poliknish.

Oh, isn't this nice?

P-Poliknish.

I have to have the rest of that book. Here's that 50p.

Hmm. Hmm. Hmm.

I was thinking £15.

- What? - No, you're right. 25.

This is totally unfair.

Mmm. Mmm.

What you did contravenes our Customer Code Promise Pledge.

- What? - If we're gonna compete,

we must offer equal service.

- That's why we made the CCPP. - Oh, we did, did we?

You were helping a customer at the time.

The fellow with the red hair, kept calling you Bern cos of your badge.

That's quite funny, actually. Bern.

One - the customer is not only always right,

he or she is also fun to be around.

Remark on their wise choices and laugh at their jokes.

If you happen to be wearing a top of lower cut than usual,

- well, no harm done. - Can't say it's not working.

Two - if the sides of your head don't hurt, smile more.

Yes. More, more...

No, that looks nasty. Take it down. That's it.

The management should have regular meetings with the staff

to sound out any grievances.

- How's it going? - Fine.

Good. Meeting over.

Oh, look, you've popped out.

- What are you doing tomorrow? - Nothing planned.

Martina's moving into a new flat and she needs a bit of help